Dickin' Around In Space

Homeworld Bound
Or How I Stopped In Chicago And Loved This Game

Homeworld Bound
Bradrus S’ell

Act 1

The Incredible Journey

So the guys paid a stranger to give their space dick some much-needed TLC, and while the rest of the crew was using some of their vacation hours to relax on Corellia, Bradrus received an important call from daddy. We knew it wasn’t his mom, because he didn’t raise his voice a few octaves to squeeze out a “Hey!” that made our balls retract.

“Bradrus! It’s your father! I hope this message makes it to you in time. I’ve got bad news. It’s about your Aunt Gaila. Her health is failing and it’s urgent that you be here.
We all look forward to seeing you, again, son. Much has changed since your last visit. I’m afraid our way of life could be changing forever.
I’ll explain everything when you get here.”


After signing over his movie rights, Bradrus tried to catch the first space taxi to Ghorman. Unfortunately, after being put on hold for what felt like forever, and getting trapped in a touchtone loop, he finally found out that all transports to Ghorman have been put on hold. No, Bradrus, yelling “Representative” into the commlink has no effect.

Having given up on technology, Bradrus stomped off in a huff and managed to catch the tail end of a news report:

Hi, I’m Jip Skyray. We end our broadcast this evening with unrest in the Sern Sector. Gara?
Thanks, Jip. Tension is on the rise as violent protestors on Ghorman lash out at the Guardians of Peace. Planetary Governor Yenech says he’s interested in finding a peaceful solution to this disagreement, but he will refuse to negotiate with terrorists. For citizen safety, the Governor has tightened spaceport security planet-wide. That’s all for now, I’m Gara Vellex, CPN News. Back to you, Jip!

Shit just got real. Oh, and did you get the reference? No? Well don’t worry, because there are plenty more forgettable characters where that came from!

Speaking of which, with a quick stop at the spaceport, Bradrus recognized a familiar name in the ship logs: Ondo Baat of the Distant Moon Stealth Freighter. Yeah, trust me, you don’t know who that guy is.

When Bradrus enters the spaceport, Ondo immediately recognizes him as the mysterious human that saved his life on Nar Shaddaa. There might be a few more links I could fit in here.

Since Ondo was outed as a member of the Rebel Alliance, he was forced to change his tactics, and these days he tries to keep a low profile. In fact…. He’s currently on the job, tasked with delivering medical supplies to the citizens of Ghorman. Hahaha. What are the odds?

Well that sounds like an easy gig. It’s too bad he forgot to mention that he’s carrying a restricted amount that breaks Corellian trade laws. Wow, actually that makes sense. No wonder the feds were on their ass.

“Don’t worry,” Ondo confidently wheezes out of his four wind pipes, “Watch this.”

Brad was Princess Leia in that clip ^ (hehehe!)

The stealth field generator failed. Looks like Bradrus is gonna have to talk his way out of this one!

Oh, he did? Just like that? Well that was easy. Off to Ghorman they go! …Right into an Imperial blockade. It’s ok, Ondo totally fixed the stealth field generator during the hyperjump. “Punch it!”

It was his fault. It was totally Ondo’s fault. So he told Bradrus to take the controls while he went down to the maintenance deck to fix it. With a little bit a fancy flying (and lucky rolls!), Bradrus was able to keep the TIE fighters off of them long enough for the stealth field to kick in and take them safely planetside. Phew! This kind of action makes a brother need an act break!

Act 2 – The Book of Ghorman


In a discreet location outside the capitol, Ondo introduced Bradrus to the leader of the resistance movement, Riki. They brought the medical supplies to a local sandwich shop, which was a cover for their smuggling operation. Also, it was a long trip. Ondo had been thinking about that sammich all damn day.

From here, Bradrus made his way to the capitol building where protestors were facing off against the capitol guards. Luckily, Brad’s a fortunate son, so he flashed his badge or some shit and went inside to see why the fam was all up on his balls.

Basically, here’s the lowdown:

-Aunt Gaila is in a coma.

-She’s also a senator in the Ghorman Senate, just like Daddy S’ell is.

-There’s a crucial vote tomorrow on whether to join the Empire.

-Bradrus is probably gay.

-Gaila is likely the deciding vote.

-Ghorman law states a blood relative can make an absentee vote during medical emergencies.

So basically, Bradrus is about to live his dream. A political snoozefest-thriller to prevent the Empire from taking control over his home planet. Damn, what an awesome GM he had.
According to the family droid, 2-COM, all he had to do was head down to the governor’s office and declare his intent to vote in Gaila’s absence. Well that sounds easy!

The governor looks old and weak as he sits behind a big desk in a floating chair like an older, fatter professor X. The nameplate reads Governor Yenech. Brad swears he can hear the faintest hint of a beating heart.

Yenech knows why Bradrus is here and immediately and gets right to the bad news. He says those pesky protestors outside have stolen the Book of Ghorman! And Ghorman law is very strict: New Senators can only be sworn in with one hand on the great book!

2-COM suggests he check out the Library of Congress beneath the capitol. Because if there’s one thing this highly advanced, holographic based civilization has a lot of, it’s copies of hardcover books. So, after striking out with the sexy (and decrepit) librarian, Brad manages to do the creep down into the restricted area.


DO THE CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Suddenly a familiar light flashes before Brad’s eyes! Buried beneath a pile of books is a beacon of light. Calling him, tempting him. But what could it beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

With one hand on the Necronomigree, he has two visions. One which leads him to an old copy of the Book of Ghorman, and another vision which reveals a hidden door in the back of the basement. Brad’s feeling frisky, so he goes over to the hidden door and finds a small listening post belonging to Agent Red, along with a datapad containing incriminating evidence that pins Governor Yenech as a liar. Also, this is presumably the room where Agent Red jerks it.


The datapad has holovids of conversations between Yenech and Red. They plan to track down and kill the son of Senator S’ell in order to put Ghorman in the hands of the Empire.

As fate would have it, Bradrus hears someone approaching. It sounds like one footstep, followed by the clanking of metal. He stealths around to get a better look and…. Oh shit. Agent Red has new leg.


It was a showdown. High noon. Good vs Evil. Mano-a-Mano. Dogs against cats. Bradrus could feel something brewing deep inside of him. This was a long time coming. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he recognized that feeling. Fear. He ran out of there like the little chicken-shit we all knew he was.

He took the book back home to rest. The big vote was tomorrow, so he needed his rest. At dinner, his family gathered around the table to congratulate him with a toast. 2-COM walks in with a pitcher. “Who needs a refill?”

His mom tells him to check the fridge, because there’s something special inside just for him. So Bradrus goes to the kitchen, opens the door and BAM! An explosion from the dining room! Bradrus runs in to find his entire family dead!

Just kidding. It was all a dream. He must have passed out as soon as he got home.
So Mr. S’ell went to Washington, book in hand. Governor Yenech was visibly upset when he saw that Brad had successfully found a copy of the book. Yenech begrudgingly swore in the budding young Senator, and Bradrus was able to cast the deciding vote to save his home planet from Imperial rule.

Something like this deserves to be celebrated! So Bradrus met his family for dinner. After a toast in his honor, Momma S’ell told Bradrus that something special was waiting for him in the fridge. 2-COM walked in with a pitcher and asked, “Who needs a refill?”

Oh Fuck.

Either Bradrus had a bad case of déjà vu, or the GM gave him a Jedi premonition. Man, this GM is really spot on. Totally tuned in to Brad’s needs and wants as a player. Kudos to you, sir.

Where was I? Oh shit, that’s right! So Bradrus narrowly helped his family escape a clear attempt on their lives. The….. End?

Stay tuned! Our straight-laced, lightside, all-around good guy with a lack of any real character development returns in…..


Act 3

A Cause Without the Rebels

Meanwhile, on Ghorman, Governor Yenech declared the attack on the S’ell family an act of terror by the protestors. He has declared open war on the resistance movement.

The Ghorman military began firing upon the peaceful protestors outside the capitol. At his father’s insistence, Bradrus S’ell travels to nearby Sern Prime, where the government is known to be friendly to the Rebellion.

Luckily, he is able to break the Imperial blockade with aid from his old pal Ondo Baat and his trusty stealth freighter.

Ondo comes through in the end and smuggles Bradrus to the capitol of Sern Prime, where he was able to score a meeting with the Homeworld Defense Committee. He made the case that Ghorman’s freedom meant the sector as whole would be stronger.

Talking talking talking, rolling rolling rolling, they agree to ask the Rebels for help.

But unfortunately the Rebel Alliance had relocated a lot of their forces to the front lines, so they only had a limited amount of resources to send. And because he’s such a swell, charming guy, they threw in a few of their planetary forces to help out.

They suggested he check with the local Trade Unions, because the Rimma Trade Route has been disrupted by the Imperial blockade (And also because I wasn’t gonna make things THAT easy for him) and the local traders were fed up with the Empire and would likely lend a hand. So Brad went to the cantina.

Talkity talk-talk. Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’

The traders agree to send in some of their private security forces!

So Brad takes his team of Sern Prime soldiers and private security forces back to Ghorman where he can take his country back!


As they get close, the Ghorman capitol looks to be a swirling combat zone, so they land on the edge of town and trek through the streets. Along the way, he runs into Riki! Remember her? Yeah, didn’t think so. Well, she adds a few of her resistance fighters to the group. We’re building up quite an entourage here!

As they get closer, Bradrus realizes that the Empire has joined the ground assault by adding a legion of stormtroopers to the mix. In fact, the stormtroopers prove to be formidable opponents and kind of kick the ass out of Brad’s rag-tag group of glorified teabaggers.


But luckily Lt. Wynn from the Alliance lands a transport with a team of Rebel Commandos just in time! Wynn says they’ll clean the Imps off the lawn, but if Bradrus had business to take care of inside the capitol, he better hurry it up, because intelligence reports indicate:

-Governor Yenech is making a hasty getaway at the spaceport.

-The Senate Wing (Where Brad’s family lives) is about to be overrun.

-Agent Red is retreating back to the barracks with the Imperial forces.

Now since time is running out, they’ll probably only be able to accomplish two of these things. We know Brad is gonna save his family first, because, Jesus Christ, he’s Brad. So really, it’s between Agent Red and Governor Yenech.

Brad decides to let the mastermind behind the whole thing get away, and he went after the lackey. Way to go, Slick!

So they fight their way over to the barracks. Inside, Brad manages to catch a glimpse of Agent Red before he managed to dart through a doorway and out of sight. Riki tells Bradrus they’ll stay and cover him if he wants to chase after Agent Red. He agrees.

So this is it. Through the blast doors of the barracks is a small landing pad. This is where Bradrus comes face to face with his nemesis, Agent Red…… again.

It was a showdown. High noon. Good vs Evil. Mano-a-Mano. Dogs against cats. AND HOLY CRAP BRAD GOT HIS SHIT KICKED IN!

But then Agent Red did that classic bad guy thing where he stuck around, toyed with his prey, and talked everything out instead just offing him and leaving. Agent Red laughed at the sight of Brad lying there, half-dead on the landing pad. He said TIE bombers were incoming at this very minute to reduce the building to rubble.

Out of options, Bradrus went for the hail mary. A perfectly placed shot to the face? No, but that would have been awesome! Instead he reached out with mind bullets and convinced this guy to stand there and get bombed to death while Brad crawled out to safety.

And they all lived happily ever after.

A Quick Stopover

Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Skooter Heetshooter
And that was it. There are no other character profiles to link.

First… a little backstory….

When word hit the streets that Reom had acquired new cybernetic schematics for ISOtech, a secret war erupted between the Empire and the Rebellion to get their hands on those plans. Both sides were ready to use whatever methods were required to gain the upper hand.

A small Rebellion strike team had successfully broken into Reom’s offices on The Wheel, stole the schematics from his computer systems, and deleted his records. The team consisted of Bim Gizzo, a Bothan Slicer Tech; Brom, a Human Bruiser; and Thwunk, a Kubaz Sniper/Assassin.

On their way out, however, the rebels ran into an Imperial team and were forced to split up. In an attempt to blend in, Bim and Brom ducked into a local cantina, the Sleeping Rancor. Thwunk, however, made his way to their ship, only to find it being guarded by a full squad of Stormtroopers. Outmanned and outgunned, Thwunk will have to find his teammates if he has any hope of delivering the goods back to the Alliance and getting paid.

Bim and Brom sat down at the bar. When they tried to comm Thwunk, they found the channel was being jammed. Uh oh. In fact, the front door of the cantina opened up, and two Imperial Agents walked in with a Hound-W2 SPD security droid. They were trapped, and it was only a matter of time before that Hound droid sniffed out the source of their comm systems. And to make matters worse, some pussy-ass Chiss just walked up and ordered the girliest drink Brom had ever heard of.

Fresh off of their big hunt for Treasure Island, the Krayt Fang makes a stop on the Wheel for some serious rest and relaxation. Rackus and Jeffren hit up the supply store, while the rest of the gang tried to pawn off the Nexu pelts.

They sauntered on over to Farlander’s Outfitters… “Hey there, travelers!” Yeah, thanks Master Com…. To see what kind of price they could negotiate with Nolls. Unfortunately, their overconfident dick-swinging backfired and they ended up getting an even lower price than what he originally offered. Possible dick-swinging pictured below.


All this failure sure made Skooter thirsty. Plus he had a new handful of credits to blow! So he and Leila made a stop in the local cantina, the Sleeping Rancor, while Slick went shopping for a matching purse for his little holdout blaster.

Skooter sat down and ordered the most expensive drink in the bar: a bottle of Pink Crystalline Champaign from Corellia. That brings us back to the bit up at the top of the page. See, Brom was a man. A man’s man. A man’s man’s man. And he was not happy that some sorry excuse for a Chiss didn’t meet his own standards of what a man’s drink should be. Brom…. Had issues. That’s when Brom pulls a knife… and then Skooter pulls a knife… so anyway he lost his pilot’s license and he’s never allowed on Corellia again.

[Movie Clip Not Found]

See, you were expecting me to go with the Crocodile Dundee joke right there, weren’t you? But no! I went with the over-a-decade-old-AWG-movie joke. Zing! Anyway, back to the story.

Before Skooter could get embarrassed by a guy who actually did know how to use a knife, Bim Gizzo stepped in and apologized to the group, offering to buy them all drinks. It’s too bad everyone was also too drunk to realize that Bim slipped something into Leila’s pocket.

Behind them, two Imperial agents entered the room with a Hound-W2 SPD droid, hot on the trail of a rebel comm signal. That’s right about the time it stopped right in front of Leila.

Whaa? How did a rebel commlink end up in Leila’s ba—oh wait. I see.

Now they were screwed, and I don’t see how they could talk their way out of this one… which is good, because Brom punched and agent in the face and tried to run out the door. All hell broke loose. There were knives stabbing, brass knuckles swinging, blasters blasting…. Skooter followed Brom out the door, because I mean, where did he think he was going?

Poor Leila. First her partner leaves her alone and outnumbered inside of a strange cantina, then a vicious robot dog latches onto her arm and starts biting her all over.


The only logical thing for her to do at this point is start shooting at the guy who bought everyone drinks, right? Right. Hey, and while you’re at it, just start shooting wildly at anything else, too.

Outside, Brom found the perfect diversion: The beast pen outside Farlander’s Outfitters. He aimed directly at a Ronto’s ass, causing it to scream in pain and go rampaging out of the pen, slamming right through the wall of the cantina.

Around this time, Slick got a call from his old pal, Mu Nanb. Unfortunately for him, the Imperials seemed to be jamming rebel frequencies, so he was only able to make out a few bits and pieces of the transmission:

  • I have an assignment for you. We understand that a ******* The Wheel acquired valuable schematics from a fabled crash site. ******* Retrieve those plans for the Alliance at all costs. ****** 100,000 credits. DO NOT LET THEM FALL INTO IMPERIAL HANDS. ***STATIC***”

Actually, I think he pretty much covered the basics…. So Slick walked over to the local cantina because he KNEW Skooter would be drinking…. OH MY GOD, IS THAT A RONTO? Yeah. So the events that followed are sketchy, but here’s what we know:

That rampaging Ronto stepped on that poor robot dog. :’(

The Ronto was spooked and stampeded away when Leila got off a lucky shot IN ITS FACE!

One of agents ran out and punched Skooter with his shock gloves IN THE FACE!

Skooter grabbed the agent and used him as a human shield during a Mexican standoff with Brom.

Some cloaked stranger showed up and shot Skooter’s agent-shield IN THE FACE!

Skooter threw that human corpse over ten feet, striking Brom IN THE FACE!

Bradrus just stood there concentrating, with one hand outstretched, and the other one IN HIS FACE!

Bim ran out and tried to drag his injured friend, Brom, to safety. But don’t worry, Skooter, Slick and Leila weren’t about to let these strangers they knew basically nothing about get away with…. SOMETHING. So they killed them. Both of them. Then Slick, still feeling the light side of the force flowing through his veins, looted their corpses and stole their backpack at the insistence of his friends. But what happened to that cloaked stranger?


They ran for cover in what was left of the cantina, but with their only escape guarded by a madman with a rifle, they were trapped. That’s Slick noticed his stolen bag was ringing. He pulled the commlink out and discovered that the cloaked stranger was on the line.

So it turns out this cloaked stranger was a Kubaz named Thwunk and luckily he’s after the same thing as the other guys: Kritala’s cybernetic schematics. Which, if you took the time to read the little intro at the top, you already knew that, so all the suspense and everything was lost on you. Well anyway, there was only one thing left to do now. Time for these assholes to get paid!

But when they got back to the ship, Reom was waiting to ask them a favor and unknowingly guilt trip them into doing the right thing. If the gang can find and return the cybernetic schematics, he’ll reward them with 10,000 credits. Thwunk’s first contribution to the group was this wise piece of advice:

“Hey, let’s make copies of this thing and sell one to this Rome asshole and sell the other copy to one of his potential customers behind his back!”

So that’s what they did. Well, kinda. They connected the dots between the Rebel Alliance and Reom and made sure the Rebels would have exclusive access to his cybernetics and Reom would have a steady customer for years to come.

All that’s left to do now is get Jeffren and meet up with Mu Nanb to get PAID! Where is Jeffren anyway?

A sea of stormtroopers chased the group onto the Krayt Fang and they took off just in time. Unfortunately Mu Nanb had to split as well, but he said they would meet up later to complete the transaction. For now, they just had to Reom back to Raxus Prime.

During the trip, Skooter decided to put the finishing touches on his droid, which he had modeled to be a dog, but let’s be honest, this thing was one piece of garbage welded onto another.


And when he turned it on, he wasn’t exactly pleased. Apparently the behavior core he had salvaged from a junk heap belonged to a feminine shopping droid that was annoying as fuck. Shut him up or shut him down! So Skooter shut him down.

Once they dropped Reom back off at ISOtech headquarters, they took off to rendezvous with Mu Nanb, but Skooter noticed something odd on the scanners…. They were being followed by an unidentified vessel!

That’s easy, they could just make the jump to hyperspace.
They failed to make the jump.
That’s ok, they can fend off one measly ship.
They failed to hit, and the enemy ion cannons disabled the Krayt Fang.
No problem, a simple maintenance check should do the trick.
They failed to fix the system.

See a pattern here? Yeah, so they were sitting ducks. But instead of turning them into space dust, the enemy ship attempted a true act of gentlemen everywhere:

Given one last chance to repair the ship before the enemy breached their back door…. Skooter failed again.

BUT WITH A TRIUMPH! Even though the ship was still disabled, Skooter was able to activate the hyperdrive, which unfortunately sent them barreling through hyperspace to a random destination. Which, by the way turned out to be right next to a black hole! No, I’m not still talking about space docking, I mean the remnants of a collapsing star.

Time was of the essence now, because the ship’s emergency systems alerted the crew that the event horizon was approaching in less than 5 minutes! After a brief firefight with the invaders (One of them it turns out was Agent Red, but the only person who really cared was Slick. And Red was the first and only pussy to go down during the fight. Some Agent he turned out to be. Oh, and Skooter kinda threw his knife and stabbed him in the leg. Wow, this turned out to be a long parenthesis), the crew decided their own lives were more important. They hopped in an escape pod, but oh no!!! Skooter left his droid! Feeling chivalrous, Thwunk ran out and shoved the droid in the direction of the escape pod as the doors were closing.


The droids landed in Skooter’s arms…. Well, most of the droid. Its back legs were severed by the closing airlock. At least all of his hard work was not wasted. Somehow, everyone made it safely to the escape pod. They were gonna be alright. Skooter was there, his droid was there…. Thwunk and Slick were there…. Jeffren was curled up in the corner, cold and shaking frantically. Yep. Everyone. Things were gonna be aaaallllllllright.

Hard Bargain

Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Prata’ri Rackus

So after that whole deal with Reom (link not found) and the planet Cholganna (link not found), the crew of the The Krayt Fang, finally return to The Wheel (link not found) to sell their nexu pelts and, in some cases, get some desperately needed medical attention. While most of the gang is treating their wounds, selling some extra gear, or chatting it up with Master-Com (link not—damn it, really?), Chico and Rackus decide to stroll around the outer section of the station, perusing the various shops and emporiums.

One in particular grabs their eyes: a dingy shop labeled “Gorn’s Superb Emporium”. It’s a shabby-looking joint with dusty shelves and a bunch of junk littered around. So you know it’s gonna have cool stuff, right?

Well, Chico and Rackus step inside and are immediately threatened by an old OOM security droid. The old OOM security droid right next to it states that these are customers, not enemies, and that the first droid needs to chill. Finally, the shopkeeper tells the droids to lower their weapons and greets his customers.

This is Gorn Vorrox. He offers to sell the two droids, but our heroes aren’t interested (after all, it’s not like anyone in the group has any use for droids or droid parts). Instead, they inquire about some weapons. Chico finds a nice holdout blaster, and while Rackus is negotiating for a stun rifle, they are quickly shoved out of the way by an angry Duros with some hired goons at his back.

Rasz Gal throws a piece of equipment on the counter and yells at Gorn for selling him a defective hyperdrive motivator, then demands his 3,000 credits back, plus an additional 500 for his trouble. Gorn insists that he sold a functioning motivator and tells Rasz that all sales are final. It’s a tough situation, tensions are high, and that’s before the blasters are drawn. Rasz pulls a blaster pistol and aims it at Gorn. Gorn reaches under the counter and brings up a scattergun. This is where Jeffren decides to intervene and tell everyone to cool out.

Now, sure, that’s some good horse-sense, but Jeffren’s not really a top-notch negotiator, and Rasz isn’t even listening. He’s out for blood. Hey, I know! Prata’ri Rackus is a pretty good mechanic, why doesn’t he offer to look at the motivator? Maybe he can fix it!

But that’s not what happens. instead, Chico and Rackus look at the two armed foes, standing across from one another, and decide to GO FOR THEIR GUNS!!!!!

Jeffren nobly makes a show of stepping in front of Rasz to prevent him from hitting Gorn, and grabs Rasz’s blaster pistol. Rasz isn’t giving up easily, though. He’ll…keeeeeeeep holding on.

Rackus makes a crazy dive over the counter, knocking Gorn into the wall and landing on the scattergun, smashing it. Oops.

The Barabel and two Aqualish goons draw their weapons, and now it’s on. Rasz struggles with Jeffren, and manages to hit Gorn. Meanwhile, the Barabel blasts Jeffren to get him off. And those two security droids? They fire at the Aqualish, and do…nothing. It’s not looking good. Jeffren fires back at Rasz, and in the confusion, Gorn runs from behind the counter to a wall of shelves. He reaches behind a shelf, and suddenly the wall opens up, allowing Gorn to rush inside. Fortunately, Jeffren and Rackus manage to dash through as well, and Rackus spots the switch that closes the door. Jeffren takes a few hits before the door seals shut, but once it does, they’re safe. For now.

They can still hear blaster shots hitting the wall, and Gorn explains that the door won’t hold for very long if they keep hitting it like that. He grabs a heavy blaster from a crate, and that’s when Jeffren and Rackus notice that this back room seems to be filled with more valuable and illicit merchandise. Gorn tells them that he appreciates their defending him, and if they’ll see it through, he’ll make sure to reward them. The two agree, and soon they’re standing back in front of the door, ready to open it and surprise the attackers.

Gorn hits the switch, the door begins to open, and the 3 defenders prepare to strike. Fortunately, the droids have wiped out the two Aqualish before being destroyed, so it looks like now they outnumber the criminals three to tw—

Okay, Gorn is down. The Barabel is quick to notice the door opening and takes out Gorn immediately. So much for a numbers advantage. Now it’s 2 versus 2. Jeffren and Rackus concentrate their fire on the Barabel, but he will not go down, plus Jeffren takes a serious hit, so Rackus quickly reaches for the switch again and shuts the door to the backroom. Suddenly, the blaster fire on the other side goes quiet. Jeffren uses a stimpack to revive Gorn, and they explain that they were unable to stop Rasz and his thugs, so they just shut themselves inside the back room again. Gorn laments that Rasz is probably stealing all the cash at the counter and wrecking the store, but at least he’s still alive, and he has these two jerks to thank for that, so he offers them a reward for their assistance: they can choose any one item here in the storage room, and he’ll give it to them, free of charge. What a deal!

They dig around a little, and decide to settle on the stun rifle Rackus was seeking earlier. Also, Jeffren spots some rare modular armor, which Gorn offers at a discount. At least now he’s got some cash to try and get back on his feet.

So they go back and re-open the door, satisfied with their business dealings and glad to leave with their lives, ready to regroup with the rest of th—FREEZE!

The pair find themselves confronted by 5 uniformed security officers, who all have their blasters drawn. This is going to be an even tougher fight, it’s going to take all their courage…
so they just put their hands up. This has gone bad enough already. The Lieutenant approaches Rackus and Jeffren, demanding an explanation. Gorn quickly steps out and greets them, and explains the whole thing, adding that these two jerks just saved his life. The Lieutenant is satisfied, and lets them go on their way while he talks with Gorn for the report. Before they leave, Gorn thanks them again, and tells them they’re welcome to return once he gets the business back up and running.

Wounded, tired, and hungry, our boys head out, probably looking for pizza.

Beyond the Rim - Act 3
Jesus, I'm late!

Hey, it’s me The Narrator. Sorry, I’ve been real busy here with the wife and one of my kids has been sick. This is going to have to be a fast one, I have to go get my other kid from space soccer practice. Where were we? Oh yeah…

• Captain Harsol confronts both the Yiyar Clan and the crew as to why they’re on the planet.
• The crew gives their side of the events that have happened.
• The Yiyars tell an interesting side whih describes the crew as Imperial spies and plundering scavengers. The Yiyars claim to be sent by Ropok.
• Unfortunately since IT-3PO was shut down during the fight with the Yiyar on the Wheel, and wasn’t taken by the crew to any of the sights or during any of the conversations with Reom, he can’t confirm or deny anything anyone claims.
• Harsol isn’t swayed by either version of events, and orders both parties to the Retreat, which is the primary camp the survivors have lived in since the Sa Nalaor crashed.
• Once they arrive at the Retreat Captain Harsol gathers the crew and the Yiyar Clan in the main hall.
• He gives the two sides of the story, and decides to give it a night’s consideration before taking any action. The crowd is visibly wary of Harsol, and one bystander with a beard and a scar over his right eye even heckles him.
• Sensing that he’s losing the crowd, Harsol breaks up the meeting and sends the two groups to opposite parts of the camp to bunk down.
• Over the night, the crew talks amongst themselves and decide to try and barter some kind of deal with Harsol to safely get them off the planet. They figure Reom would be able to transport them in exchange for the location of whatever tech they salvaged off the Sa Nalaor.
• The next morning a female Arkanian who herself is almost a third cybernetics identifies herself as Cratala. She says she’s been assigned to show them around the camp to get an idea of what’s available. Cratala also claims to be the head researcher that was assigned to the ship before it went down.
• The first stop is to see Ninax, an Aqualish who complains about the generator being busted. Luckily Skooter is able to get it working again.
• Next they stop by Cratala’s research facility, which is in surprisingly good shape given their harsh settings. She explains the research she’s conducted is cutting edge, but that she could be even more effective in a better facility. Adria spots a busted medical droid, which Cratala says serves as her assistant in her procedural research.
• She offers to repair it, which she successfully does. She’s also able to discreetly download the research data off the droid’s memory banks without tripping any alarms.
• Cratala is delighted to have the droid back, and Bradrus succeeds in talking her into being open to the notion of leaving the planet is service of Reom if it means safety from the Empire. She says Harsol will be a harder sell, however.
• The Arkanian is consumed with her work, pointing the crew in the direction of the last place to visit while she gets to scheduling her next experiment.
• The last person in the Retreat they speak to is Rewah, who turns out to be the guy who was shouting at Harsol during the meeting. He says Harsol is losing his grip and becoming paranoid, and also says they aren’t the first off-worlders to discover them. The others disappeared without explanation so they should watch their backs. He also says the Yiyar have been talking shit on them to Harsol, claiming to have some evidence that proves what they say is right.
• Coincidentally, with all this on their minds they find Harsol walking into the center of the Retreat with the Yiyars. The lead Rodian is cocky as hell, saying the crew of the Fang are Imperial spies sent to hijack the technical data of the Sa Nalaor and sell out the survivors.
• The crew obviously argue against this, but the leader of the Yiyar produces proof in the form of a tracking device he says was pried off of the Krayt Fang. It’s obvious Imperial technology, and right as the argument is coming to a crescendo the tracker starts to beep.
• As if a plot point in a narrative story, a large ship flies low over the Retreat and settles down in the jungle. Adria got a brief look, and though she couldn’t make out the exact model or designation she could definitely make out the large Imperial Navy icon stenciled on the side.
• Everyone freaks out and starts running to and fro in psychotic desperation. The Yiyars take off, and Harsol starts losing it and screaming at the crew saying they brought the Empire here, it’s their fault, and shit like that.
• Bradrus miraculously is able to talk him down. Gunfire breaks out in the camp. The crew splits up. Bradrus and Jeffren go off to investigate the blaster fire, everyone else goes with Harsol to defend the primary wall the Imperials are most likely going to come from.
• At Cratala’s research hut, Bradrus & Jeffren see the Yiyars ransacking the place. They intervene and take them out before they can make off with the data.
• Back at the wall, and armored speeder parks a half mile outside the camp. A squad of elite-looking soldiers disembarks along with an officer. The troops move into the jungle and the officer pulls out a commlink. The loudspeakers on the speeder blare out that he is Lieutenant Ansol of the Imperial Security Bureau. He declares he is tracking a group of pirates that landed on the planet. If the inhabitants of the Retreat give them up peacefully, he promises to assist them safely to a civilized world.
• Harsol resist this, and is not swayed by Ansol’s words. Shots open up. Imperial troops split into two squads and advance the Retreat. Leila mounts a turret and primes it with her blaster pack. Dajo takes control of some derelict battle droids and sends them into the jungle to counter the troopers.
• Unfortunately the Imperials are extremely well trained, and easily take out the antiquated droids and are basically ripping shit up. Ansol, seeing it’s come to violence, deploys a tactical assault droid from the back of his speeder. Adria is a hell of a shot though and eliminates the assault droid in one shot before it can scale the wall. It explodes and lights part of the jungle on fire.
• By this point Jeffren and Bradrus have made it to the wall to lend their support. Skooter draws his knoife and slides creepily into the jungle. It’s a rough fight, and Jeffren goes down in a hail of blaster rounds. Bradrus patches him up, and they take out one of the troopers. Skooter fails to sneak up on two others, and is immediately knock on his ass by a pistolwhip. Idiot. He gets up and eventually takes out the two he’s fighting.
• The remaining two troopers make it to the wall and set an explosive charge. A few seconds later it detonates, blowing a huge hole in the wall, throwing everyone to the ground. Bradrus is buried in the rubble as a chaotic close quarter firefight breaks out. Eventually they repel the troops, and Ansol seeing the tide has turned mounts up and heads off in his ship. They dig Bradrus out, and consult what to do next with Harsol & Cratala.
• There are too many people to escape in the Fang. They decide to fall back to a smaller secondary campsite with the remaining survivors. They only have a few days worth of supplies saved there. They won’t be able to forage in case more Imperials come looking for them, so they stress the point that they are relying on the crew to find passage for them quickly. Harsol & Cratala leave to organize the survivors.
• Time is short and the situation desperate so of course the unscrupulous cunts of the Krayt Fang use this opportunity to go ransack Captain Harsol’s quarters. His door is a salvaged bulkhead which is secured shut. No one can crack it, but Skooter remembers the dead bodies in the jungle and pilfers a shape charge off one of the Imperial troopers. He sets the explosive, and everyone hunkers down. It detonates and unfortunately doesn’t kill them. Inside they find a safe, which Adria cracks. It holds 5 more of the same ore bars that they found in the debris field.
• With the ore pocketed, they make a break for the Fang and lift off Cholganna, the fate of a couple dozen people in their filthy, thieving hands.
• IT-3PO contacts Reom for the location of the rendezvous since the goods are in hand. He replies with coordinates to Raxus Prime, a waste world with lots of cover and scavenging opportunities. Bad news is the system is under heavy Imperial patrol due to recent Rebel activity in the area.
• They make the jump to the system easily, but upon nearing the planet they see an Imperial cordon where traffic into the atmosphere is passing through an inspection checkpoint.
• Luckily the traffic mostly seems to be freighters of various tonnage, and someone spots a line of YT-1300’s which the same company livery. Jeffren pilots the Fang to the end of the line, and when they get to their turn for inspection Bradrus successfully bluffs his way past the authorities. But they see an APB for the crew posted by Lieutenant Ansol on the local holonet, implying they may not be out of the woods just yet.
• Seeing an opening once they get close to the planet, Jeffren decides to try and ditch his TIE escort in the canyons of debris on the surface of Raxus Prime. After a few close calls and almost crashing into a caravan of Jawas he escapes the fighters and heads for Reom’s coordinates.
• Reom has converted a few scrapped cruisers into a base of operations. His second in command greets them and says Reom should be by soon.
• The Krayt Fang is a little worse for wear, so the crew offers to do some grunt work in exchange for repairs to the ship. They clear out a turbolift and repair a few blast doors around the facility to get in the good graces of the workers of Isotek.
• Skooter is looking for some obscure droid part but no one has one. The employee says maybe check with the Jawa scav parties since they sometimes come across tech even he can’t find. Coincidentally a trade caravan just pulled up outside one of the bays so they should look into it.
• The gang does this, and amazingly Skooter does find his motivator. He also notices something sketchy about these taller-than-normal Jawas, and pulls the hood back on one to reveal a Rodain!
• All hell breaks loose, it turns out this was a front for the bulk of the Yiyar Clan to hit Isotek at home. Shots are traded, and the leader of the attack group tries to take off on one of the skiffs. Jeffren hits the engine in a well-placed shot, detonating the vessel and the surrounding lake of toxic runoff in flames.
• Jeffren is caught in the firestorm, and falls into the lake. Skooter, stupid for wanting to help him, also falls into the lake as he flails wildly, probably screaming like a little girl. Eventually they are both pulled out and hosed off. The comms crackle and it sounds like another attack is happening at the front of the compound. The head off in that direction and see a Yiyar leading a few Trandoshan mercs.
• Skooter literally dives into the midst of them and stabs like crazy, butchering all of the mercenaries in a blur of motion and gore. Upon the sight of the blue skinned, red eyed nightmare covered in blood the last remaining Rodian tries to kill himself rather than face him.
• Fuck me he can’t do it, sheeeeeeeeit!
• But like a boss his blaster round zings past hit skull and detonates a nearby gastank, causing a rockslide which crushes him alive. Thanks, irony!
• Seeing this gruesome display sets the rest of the crew on edge. How well do they really know this Chiss? And why does he keep flicking his tongue at the knife while hissing “LOOK AT IT” over and over?
• Ahh whatever, soon the day is won and they meet Reom in the infirmary. He took a round in the fight, but is still up to pay his debts. He hands over 60k in credits for the tech research, getting him Cratala in the flesh, and the pure ore bars. He withholds five grand to organize a flotilla to pick up the remaining survivors on Cholganna and safely hide them.
• After the credits are transferred he gets a message that all the fighting must have alerted the Imperials, who are en route. Cripes, now we gotta deal with this too?
• Reom says he has an ace up his sleeve. The Blockade Bandit, the hull they are standing in right now, isn’t as much of a wreck as it seems. If they can patch up a few things, they can blast out of the atmosphere and escape the Imperials. So jobs are assigned, and everyone sets off just as the cops show up.
• They hold off the resistance and patch up the Bandit, but Reom says the bridge is being sieged by an officer and squad of stormtroopers. Everyone regroups, and it seems Lieutenant Ansol is at the front leading the invasion force. After a rough fight, they clear out the last of the Imperial forces.
• Reom heads to the bridge and fires up the engines. For a second it seems the Blockade Bandit actually is the pile of shit it looks like, but it bursts out of the planet’s gravity like a late term birth.
• Imperials lost, they make the jump to a safe quadrant and our crew parts way in the Fang, and nice hefty sum of credits fresh in their bank accounts.

Now look I really have to go, my youngest just puked all over the dejarick table.

Beyond the Rim - Act 2
Welcome to the Jungle (It's Not Fun & Games)

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Prata’ri Rackus
Skooter Heetshooter
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Dajo Unchained
Leila Something

After causing a giant scene like they were directly told not to, our band of murderers, liars and thieves are hauling ass off the Wheel after getting the details on the Sa Nalaor. Unfortunately they’ve also attracted the attention of the Yiyar Clan, who failed miserably to kidnap IT-3PO. Turns out starting a gunfight in the middle of a shopping district in a heavily monitored space station isn’t the best way to get into the good graces of security forces. So they beelined for the Fang and happened to be making a break for it when Pratari Rackus was just showing up in his Z-95. Having scrambled an interceptor squad, there wasn’t really time to explain things to him, they just needed to get the fuck out! Luckily, the group had purchased the direct hyperspace coordinates lifted from the pod, so it was a straight jump to the Chol system. Fuck you space cops, we have no concept of consequences for our actions!

Well, space karma must have been listening, because when they finished the jump they wound up dead in the middle of an asteroid field and their sensors are scrambled from the radiation of the nearby bleeding star. Shiiiiit! Some careful flying from Jeffren avoids most of the damage, allowing Adria and Skooter some time to get the system working. But Pratari is on a crash course and flying blind. Dajo knows what to do! He mans the turret and decides to blast a path for him, but almost shoot the shit out of the Z-95 instead. Seeing rounds fly by his ship, Rackus realizes shit has gotten real and splices some wires together or something just in time to get scanners up and dodge the asteroids. After almost dying, Rackus navigates a clear path through the ion interference to Cholganna’s surface.

It’s a lush planet, and finding even as large a ship as the Sa Nalaor is going to be hard if the jungle had thirty years to grow over it. Good thing Skooter, Adria and Pratari are so perceptive, because they identify not one but four possible locations where the ship may have crashed. The canopy of the jungle makes it impossible to identify from the air, looks like the lazy fucks will have to actually get out of the ship and see. When coming in for a landing at the closest site, Jeffren detects a realspace translation in the system. He’s unable to make out much more, but it’s apparent they aren’t alone out here. Better get a move on.

After a short hump through the vegetation, the crew comes upon what looks like a turbolaser battery that had shorn off the ship. It’s mostly a rusted shitheap, but Skooter sees what looks like a mashed up pile of battle droids. Never passing an opportunity to find that last droid part he needs, he starts rummaging around. Though he doesn’t find it, he does come across a large depression in the dirt. It’s ringed with bones and fur, and as he slowly stands up and murmurs “That’s fuckin’ weird” there’s the sounds of something large moving through the bushes. Suddenly two adult Nexu burst out, it seems our Chiss friends has stumbled upon their nest because a smaller kitten is with them. Dajo has the quick wits to realize this, and attempts to distract the beasts with a ration bar. Unfortunately he judges the distance wrong, and it lands right next to the kitten, pissing off the parents. They pounce, biting at Skooter and Dajo. Bradrus, seeing this shit go down feels an ethereal power swell within him. If he could only separate the juvenile from the pack they would chase after it. He summons all of his mental faculties and… fails miserably to move a small kitten. Talk about a pussy! Seeing the two morons unable to put their plans together the rest of the group does what they do best: shoot the hell out of everything. Soon there’s two dead Nexu cats and a couple of scratched up crew members. Dajo reaches down to take the kitten. Everyone else wants to know what the shit he thinks he’s doing, are we going to drag this fucking thing with us through the deadly jungle? But Dajo isn’t hearing any of it, and actually pulls a gun on Skooter when he gets close to the kitten. This causes everyone else to draw, and for what isn’t the first and I’m sure won’t be the last time the crew is pointing weapons at each other.

Dajo: Don’t point that thing at my CAAAAAAT!
Bradrus: Dajo you shoot that man you die next. I repeat, you shoot that man, you die next.
Adria: You’re all actin’ like a bunch of fuckin’ amateurs!
Pratari: Cause I’m stuck in the middle with you…
Jeffren: Skooter, I’m fuckin’ dying here!

Oh wait, that hasn’t happened yet. And unfortunately doesn’t, because hilariously Dajo slips a ration chunk to the kitten to soothe it during the standoff and the kitten chokes to death hideously in front of everyone. This is why the space zoo tells everyone not to feed the space animals. Welp, that solved itself! Everyone holsters their weapons except Skooter, who proceeds to skin the Nexu, even the kitten, all while locking eyes with Dajo. NOICE!

I think that went well. The gang trudges back to the Fang, and move on to the next crash site. When they get there, it ends up being a large escape pod half sunk in a small pond. Too small for everyone, Pratari, Skooter and Jeffren decide to climb down and see what’s inside while everyone else watches out. Inside the pod, Skooter sees a dim blinking light. He reasons this must be the black box of the pod, but it’s covered in a weird resin. After busting out his handy knoife, he pries it loose by slicing a chunk of the resin off. After retrieving it a deep, angry buzz can be heard. OH SHIT SPACE BEES COME POURING OUT OF A THOUSAND TINY HOLES! Skooter starts wildly swinging his knoife, killing a few bees but gets stung. Jeffren absolutely loses his shit, he gets stung (probably in the dick) and shoots his blaster wildly into the swarm. It ricochets around in the pod and hits Skooter in the chest. Pratari and Skooter manage to swat away the rest of the swarm, and stumble out of the pod. Jeffren, drunk on bee poison or vodka, thinks it a good idea to lick some of the glistening sap that running down the side of the pod’s wall. Amazingly, he feels great afterward. Then stands up and passes out. I mean so does Mo, but they are soon revived. Dajo sees the goo and bottles some “for later.”


While he’s scraping bee jizz into a bottle, Adria and Pratari crack the black box open and activate the last moments of the holo recorder. It’s a recording between the passengers of the escape pod which are two Japanese Stereotype Nemoidians arguing over the comm to a middle aged human male. The Nemoidians are talking shit, saying they were stupid to ever follow this dude out here. Now the ship is crashing and they say “fuck it, we’re ditching this place and heading out on our own.” The human, who they address as Captain Harsol, says “Eat shit, if you fucks don’t get back here I’ll shoot your asses down.” To this, the Nemoidians basically say “You won’t.” and then the transmission ends.

After that interesting revelation, the next scan location is a large debris field where it looks like the primary drive engines broke off and scattered into a nearby treeline. As the Fang swoops down, a flock of space birds is spooked and takes to the sky… only to be sucked into the Krayt Fang’s engines. Jeffren does his best to soft land the ship in a clearing. It isn’t going anywhere without a fix, so Pratari and Dajo decide to scrape the gore out of the engines while the rest of the crew checks out the debris. As the other jerks disappear into the foliage, the other two do a quick rock, paper, scissors. Dajo loses, and grabs a space stick and steps out the hatch to clean it out. After a couple of tries, their able to clear the turbines and turn the engines over. On his way back up the ramp Dajo sees bloody tracks leading into the ship’s interior. That idn’t good! So Dajo comms over to Pratari that something is most likely on the ship with them. Luckily Rackus has an idea, and sneaks his way up to the cockpit. He sets off the internal alarms, thinking it’ll scare whatever is in the ship off. His gamble pays off, and that’s exactly what happens as Dajo and Pratari huddle in the cockpit as they hear something big and most likely rapey skitter off the ship.

Speaking of horrible physical violations, while the two mechanics were dealing with the intruder, the rest of the gang was trundling towards the debris field. When they get there, Adria sees something glinting in the dirt. When they make way towards it she also sees something stirring in the trees. A paranoid psycho, she immediately decides to shoot it. It actually works out this time because she hits and kills an ARBOREAL OCTOPUS. Picture an octopus, then cover it in thick tarantula hair. Now put it in trees in the jungle. One of these waking nightmares made flesh falls from the canopy and shrivels itself around her. Everyone is fucking freaked out. Skooter cuts her loose, but a few more of the sinister cephalopods descend in ambush. One wraps around Jeffren, causing him to begin spastically pissing and shitting all over himself. Bradrus says “I’ll save you!” and shoots his blaster at the turantu-pus. Unfortunately he’s so distraught at the idea of losing his hetero butt-buddy he misses and actually shoots Jeffren right in the damn chest. Sobbing deeply because he thought Bradrus loved him and still horrendously frightened by the vaginal metaphor wrapped around his wrists, Jeffren start shooting wildly clipping Skooter in the process. Which is pretty ironic considering Skooter is the guy who eventually cuts him loose. After this traumatizing experience, Adria finds what looks like a solid bar of some kind of ore in the dirt. Interesting…

Finally they mount up and move on to the final location, which coincidentally is the main hull of the Sa Nalaor. It’s almost as if the narrative has been building up to this! The hull is a rusted, twisted mess and looks like you could contract tetanus from just standing near it. Dajo whips out a rope and scales into what looks like a wrecked bulkhead. Inside he finds a ladder (convenient), and lowers it, allowing everyone else to climb up. Inside they see this section of the ship has been exposed to the elements. Everything is corrode and not worth salvaging. They press on to the security office, where they find a tarp and what looks like recently used technician equipment. Moving on to the bridge, the cross a dangerous crevasse where part of the catwalk has collapsed using a rope bridge slung by Dajo. Wow, this guy is pretty useful! Too bad about his kitten fetish. On the bridge, there’s little left to scavenge as it looks like it’s been picked over by someone twice over. Anything not bolted down is gone. As they turn to leave they see a half dozen pinpoints of light in the darkness. Burst out ready kill are some motherfucking goddamn Cyber Nexu! I’m going to gloss over some terrible decisions made here, but through their own actions the crew gets seriously fucked up by these laser cats and barely escape with their lives. The limp their way out of the wreckage of the ship only to be greeted by a bunch of Rodians. They all draw on each other and are pretty clearly from the Yiyar Clan. Imagine this being said in Rodian “Lol luk at these fukkin nubs leading us right 2 the crash” and “4 real these guyz are teh suck, lets pwn them”

But before anyone gets “pwned” a couple of dude riding, and I shit you not, giant water lizards strolls out from the lake. The lead is a human male who identifies himself as Captain Harsol, and he demands to know who the hell these people are!


Oh, what a twist!

Beyond the Rim - Act 1
The Tale of the Sa Nalaor


Our gang of intrepid interstellar terrorist and thieves gathered once more one Tattooine, again at the behest of Jeffa the Hutt. Though his palace (and most of his world possessions within) was destroyed by the Firehawk during the battle over Nal Hutta, the hutt still wanted to try and reward the jerks who had at least kept him alive in some manner. He decided to slip along a juicy lead on a sweet salvage haul his agents had heard of. The group got what little Jeffa had to go on and trekked out to the Wheel, a semi-independent space station in the Mid Rim. There they were to meet up with Reom, a Twi’lik with inside information on the whereabouts of the long lost cruiser Sa Nalaor said to contain riches in credits and Old Republic tech.

The Wheel itself is a large staple in this region of space. Offering an unofficial neutral zone from the various political powers, most recently the Empire, has its merits to some of the scum of the galaxy like our crew and their target Reom. Turns out he’s president of a cybernetics company called Isotek, who pulls most of their new merchandise from ancient salvage operations or alien vessels. Reom himself seems unlike the president of a high tech hardware company and more a swaggering pirate, complete with hilarious bird-lizard on his shoulder!

So Reom gives them the skinny of the mission. During the closing days of the Clone Wars a few members of the Trade Federation saw they were on the losing side and decided to hedge their bets. They loaded the Sa Nalaor with as much untraceable credits and riches as possible and sent it out to the Wilderness Space to wait for shit to cooool out in case the soon-to-be Imperial Army started seizing assets after their victory. This is exactly what happened as the Emperor consolidated his wins into a tightly controlled empire, so it sounded like a good idea at the time. That is of course until something went wrong on the journey, and the Sa Nalaor was never heard from again. Until almost 30 years later, when an inert emergency beacon claiming to be from the ship turns up. As if that wasn’t odd enough, it was addressed to Ropok, Reom’s father who’s now deceased. Reom theorizes another idea, which is that the Federations best cybernetic developments were hidden on the ship as well to keep it out of the Empire’s hands. He isn’t sure what his dad had to do with any of it, but this is what he wants more than any pile of credits, and sets it as the primary objective of the journey.

The terms are head to Cholganna, the planet that the beacon seems to have come from and find the last resting site of the Sa Nalaor. Get up in that bitch and take anything not bolted down, but especially anything related to cybernetic research. To keep them honest, Reom is sending his personal droid IT-3PO to tag along. Once TPO verifies the goods are located, he’ll send an encrypted message to Reom, and then Reom will send the crew coordinates to his main depot for payout. He tells the crew to get supplied and ready to roll, TPO will meet them at their hangar in a few hours. Till then, they need to watch who they talk to on the station or every scumbag in the sector will be racing to Cholganna before they know it.

Walking out of the Isotech offices, everyone is high as balls at the idea of all that money, except Adria who feels like she’s being watched. This turns out to be true, as she spots a Rodian eyeing them across the promenade. But the crowd interferes in her crossing the path, and the stranger slips away down an alley before she makes it to him.

Bradrus consults an informational kiosk in the center of the thoroughfare. He’s cheerfully greeted by MasterCom, the AI that controls the inner workings of The Wheel’s day to day operations. Oh, hey MasterCom. Helpfully, the various shops on the hangar level are displayed. Bradrus decides to hit up Sonou’s Apparel first. The shop is well appointed, but doesn’t carry military grade light combat armor like Bradrus is trying to come across. The group picks up a couple of space suits in a disturbingly effective act of planning ahead, and arrange to have the suits dropped off at the Fang. Then they ask the owner Sonou a few questions. She’s polite, but doesn’t know much other than that Cholganna is an uncolonized fringe planet in the ass end of the galaxy. Oddly enough a few members of the Yiyar Clan were asking about the same planet earlier this week. And who are the Yiyar Clan? A pack of Rodian dickbags who are more likely to shove competition around at blaster point than work together on a salvage score. Zwuh oh!

With a name given to the competition, they go next to Farlander’s Outfitters. It’s run by a dude named Nolls who fancies himself a sort of space Hemmingway. Except rather than writing long form prose about the ponderous thoughts of man’s heart, he just goes around shooting deadly alien fauna in the face with a blaster rifle. He buys a pistol from Bardrus, but explains MasterCom, oh hey MasterCom, keeps tight regulations on what weapons are and aren’t allowed on the station for safety reasons so he can’t stock anything of a heavy space caliber. Jeffren notices the various stuffed animals in the store and asks about Nolls’ travels. Nolls knows of Cholganna but he’s never been there himself, and says it’s the homeworld of the deadly Nexu cat. If the crew is headed there, he’ll pay a nice reward for Nexu pelts in good condition.

The crew next heads to the Dented Droid. The place is kind of a wreck, and the proprietor Jillal San isn’t in the mood to chat. Jeffren asks about a motivator, and at first Jillal seems leery about having a rare model in stock but checks the inventory in the back. After a few moments she returns with a part in hand, saying they got lucky and she had one in stock. Adria looks it over, and she isn’t a mechanical genius but can tell the part Jillal is trying pass off isn’t of the highest quality and calls bullshit. Offended at the accusation, Jillal says she has more important matters to tend to and sees he group out.

Adria decides to look at the kiosk again. Hey MasterCom. She finds out that Cholganna is a planet, which helps immensely. She also learns there’s an inner sector of The Wheel containing upper crust shops and a few casinos, which immediately piques Jeffren’s interest but it seems you have to request entry at a security checkpoint before you’re allowed to go in. Adria considers slicing the terminal. But its in the middle of a crowded shopping complex and doesn’t want to draw attention to the group, so she decides against it and after sitting through yet another ad for Farlander’s Outiftters she moves on.

All this walking has made Jeffren thirsty and smell horrible, so next stop is the Blasted Asteroid cantina. It’s moderately busy for the middle of the day as the group saunters up to the bar. After ordering drinks, Leila tries some feminine wiles on the bartender. Let’s just say she’s barking up thewrong space tree. While being shot down, Adria notices a booth with a single human male sitting in it. Occasionally a patron will be seated into the booth, a conversation will take place, and a few moments later the patron will leave the human alone in the booth. After watching this a few times, she tries to eavesdrop on the discussion but can’t make it out in the din of the bar. Jeffren orders a second Correllian Ale and walks over to the booth. After an awkward introduction, the good ole’ Correllian Handshake once more opens the way for discussion! Turns out the guy is named Warrun, he’s an info merchant on the station. Jeffren hunkers up some cash to learn a little more. Warrun tells him that Cholganna is a notoriously dangerous jungle world in Wilderness Space and that there’s a good reason it’s uncolonized: not only is it in a nebula that’s difficult to navigate, but everything on its surface wants to kill you. He also says the rumors about the Sa Nalaor have been stirring up recently. If they are looking for more info on a route to Cholganna, they should talk to a guy named Charrel who works at Hal’s Parts (And More!). With another crotch-centric handshake they leave to follow up the lead.

Hal’s Parts (And More!) is a sort of pawn shop mixed with an outlet mall. So a shithouse of cheap low quality merchandise. Nobody wants to buy anything, especially after meeting Hal who seems to be a few cards short of a Sabbac deck. Eventually they find Charrel, and after getting some privacy they start discussing the info. The Sullustan claims he got his hands on the emergency beacon before it was turned over to Reom and was able to pull the hyperspace coordinates from its last jump. He’ll give them those coordinates for a price. Bradrus tries to negotiate a lower cost, but Charrel isn’t budging. Then Adria asks if Hal knows about Charrels little side business, and this bristles Charrel who makes a few threats of his own. But it’s starting to distract some customers and draw attention to him, so he says fine and agrees to a lower price. Offhandedly he remarks about losing out to another asshole too, and when the group inquires Charrel only says some pushy Rodian had come in earlier asking for the same info only with a blaster jabbed into his ribs. The group pays him and moves on.

Adria decides to head back to the Fang and prep for take off as the rest of the group stops by the last shop in the bay, Tasia’s Café. At the hangar, Adria spots a little droid leaving the ship. She inspects and doesn’t find anything out of the ordinary, but does find a package from Sonou’s Apparel left by the ramp containing the space suits so she stores them onboard. After a few moments she gets a comm buzz from TPO saying he’s outside the hangar waiting for entry into the bay.

Back at Tasia’s Café the group sees all kind of disparate people eating or simply conversing solemnly. The owner is named Brun Brux, who’s a Alderaanian expat. He explains that his café has become something of a rallying point for other Aleraanians who had become displaced since the Empire destroyed the planet. The relative autonomy of The Wheel allows them to meet up and express their disaffection in safety since an open retaliation would be strongly opposed by all parties on the station. Brux does say there was a recent show of force by the Empire when they claimed to be searching for wanted war criminals in relation to a recent attack on a fortified Imperial space facility. He warns that while the Stormtroopers may be gone, he’s certain ISB agents are still around and keeping tabs on everyone. Jeffren inquires about the Wheel’s Inner Sector, and this sends Brux on a big socialist rant about how even on a supposed ‘independent’ station like the Wheel the real ruler is credits. He disparages all of the people who hide inside their gilded cage behind MasterCom, you heard me MasterCom! Jeffren sort of stutters and says “Huh, yeah, pffft, who would want to go there?” in response.

Back in the hangar, Adria makes it to the blast doors to let TPO in. When she gets the open however, she sees a gang of Rodians loading a decommissioned TPO onto a gravsled. They brandish pistols at her and start to take off down the promenade with their prize, shouting for the crowd to get out of the way. Adria acts quick, calling Bradrus to let them know about the danger and then letting MasterCom, ugh HELLO MASTERCOM, know about the crime happening. Then she hops on another gravsled and gives very slow chase.

Back at Tasia’s Café, the crew can see the Rodians parting the panicked crowd as two Wheel Security officers pull out and give chase before quickly wrecking like idiots into the storefronts. Adria is behind them giving a tight pursuit. Jeffren looks around for something to impede the Rodains. To his left is a baby in a stroller. To his right, a large advertisement board for Tasia’s Café. He struggles internally for a brief moment, and faintly hears a ghostly voice that sounds eerily similar to Juice Dookdroppa moaning “Piiiick the baaaaaabyyyyy” but then he shakes his head and decides on the board. With all his might he picks it up and chucks it into the middle of the lane… then it lands on its side completely flat.


Luckily, Bradrus is there and bolts out into the street and sets up the board. But the gravsled is bearing down and crashes into it before Bradrus can completely clear it, injuring his knee. In a flash there are spilled Rodians and a droid all over the place. A firefight breaks out, and the gang succeeds in stunning a few of the thugs, and three of them help drag one down a side alley while the last one provides cover fire. Adria snipes him from behind his cover, but they hear sirens in the distance and there are dozens of witnesses in the shops seeing this unfold. Soon Reom is on the comms and demanding to know why the hell he’s seeing reports of a shoot out in the shopping sector all over the net?! He said to keep a lowprofile!

They decide to grab TPO and make it to the Fang before the security forces show up and start asking questions, leaving the Rodians behind. So with everyone back on the ship they stow the deactivated TPO and fire up the Kryat Fang, next stop Cholganna!

Hutt 1, Hutt 2, Hike!!

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Juice Dookdroppa
Prata’ri Rackus
Skooter Heetshooter
Leila (Not pictured)

We begin this convoluted adventure with an equally complex diagram. Remember this thing?


Yeah, that. So Jeffa the Hutt wants to prevent his brother’s assassination, but he also wants to make sure the party goes off without a hitch, so he asked the gang not to mention the whole assassination plot thing to Teemo. Let me repeat that…

He also wants to make sure the party goes off without a hitch, so he asked the gang not to mention the whole assassination plot thing to Teemo. Sorry, that comes into play later.

Jeffa didn’t know exactly what the plan was, but he knew that it involved a droid. The only problem is that he wasn’t sure which droid. But I’m sure these novice gumshoes could figure it out!

Oh, and one more thing… Try to dress nice.

Now that they were ready to party in style (except for Juice.), the gang made their way to Tatooine. Along the way, Skooter tried to piece together his droid, but couldn’t finish in time. That’s funny. Usually he finishes too early…

Eventully they arrived at Teemo’s palace, where they were about to board the luxury skiff, ‘Desert Treasure.’ Uh oh. Looks like those Gammorean Guards at the boarding ramp are confiscating weapons. Thinking on her feet, Princess Leila loosened the buttons on her blouse and told the guards that Juice was simply her bodyguard. And that made perfect sense, because I mean, it’s not a high class party without a fully armored killing machine walking around, making small talk, and helping himself to the hors d’oeuvres.

Once inside, all they had to do was find one little droid…



Literally half of Teemo’s staff was replaced with droids.The only way they’d be able to narrow this down is by fanning out. Naturally, Skooter grabbed a drink and made his way over to the Sabacc table. Plus, when he laid eyes on Zae’la Kash, the sexy card player, he figured he would do a little gambling of his own.

It’s too bad Zae’la only has eyes for beefy men. She was not amused. But Skooter couldn’t wait to jump on the chance to throw his money away. And with the possibility to be publicly humiliated in the process??? SOLD!

Meanwhile… At the bar….

“Corellia!!!!!!!!” Wex Vio knocked back another shot. Leila was not prepared for the minor sexual assault that awaited her. Luckily, Wex’s sister, Orpa, came over to apologize for her douchebag brother’s behavior. Leila followed Wex as he staggered over to the card tables and watched Skooter win the next couple of hands.

Leila noticed that Zae’la was fidgeting with something under the table. A hidden card? An electronic device?? A bomb???

Skooter also noticed Zae’la fidgeting with something under the table. Booze? Pizza?? A vibrator???

They couldn’t figure it out in time. With a drunken confidence, Wex put all of his money on the next hand. And somehow, by the grace of Corellia, the drunken bastard did it! Visibly upset, Zaela Kash got up and stormed away. In the process, she tripped and dropped the device… It turns out she could use the device to alter the dealer droid’s programming and tip the odds in her favor.

Hey, I know! She could probably help the gang locate the Imperial frequency! It’s too bad no one thought of that….

Adria wasn’t interested in booze or gambling, so she got straight to the hunt. She went to chat up the little RT-45 droid she talked to before. Oh wait, that’s right.


FN-1K didn’t mind all the droids, though. In fact, he struck up a conversation with a group of astromech droids from the IDC. Turns out he’s kind of a legend ever since he won the swoop race under their banner.

Slick decided to do the only smart thing: Go straight to the source. He walked up to Teemo and proceeded to tell him that someone was trying to kill him on his birthday. Hmmm, why does that sound familiar?


Eh, whatever. Conveniently, Teemo’s private security contractor was standing right next to him. Juice traded old war stories with him for a while, because it turns out, this guy is also an ex-Imperial. He also lets the guys know they should check out the maintenance deck. A lot of activity down there. Most of it the organic variety.

Rackus decides to follow Juice and and Slick down to the maintenance deck, because let’s be honest, neither one of them is gonna be able to do the necessary mechanics checks on a droid that may or may not be rigged to explode.

In fact, who did they find roaming around downstairs other than RT-45, Adria’s missing droid buddy. As it turns out, the little bastard was the source of the Imperial transmissions all along! Spotting a restraining bolt, they knew they had to act quickly if they were to save the droid from a perilous death.

Rackus stepped up. “I got this.”

After a few seconds of fidgeting with the restraining bolt, he turned around, shrugged his shoulders and said, “I got nothing.”

Oh, and a timer started. Two minutes.


Juice, as it turns out, also had nothing.

One minute left! They only way they could possibly get this restraining bolt off now is if they somehow had a knife. Like a vibroknife. And someone with the skill to use it. And with red eyes and blue skin…. Well, no, that… that wouldn’t help them, but it’s Skooter. I was describing Skooter. If they had just called Skooter down it would have solved the whole problem. But no. Slick is too proud for that.

So instead they chucked the droid over the edge with seconds to spare. BOOM. Droid gone… along with any information that would have explained the back-story for the entire scenario. But who cares about story?

Barely escaping death, the group all met back up to report their success to Jeffa. Unfortunately, he had some bad news. He got word from his orbital space station over Nar Shaddaa that they were under attack. He promised the gang an even bigger reward if they could race over to Nar Shaddaa and help defend it.

So they hopped in the Krayt Fang and made the jump to Hutt Space. Once again, Skooter took the opportunity to tweak his droid. Ugh, no that’s not a euphemism. What I meant to say is that he wanted to turn his droid on…. I mean he wanted to screw its head in. I mean, ugh nevermind. It ended the same way it always does. When his tool wouldn’t fit he resorted to jerking it alone in his room while sobbing quietly.

When they arrived at Nar Shaddaa, however, the only thing left of Jeffa’s palace was floating rubble. They did, however, arrive just in time to catch the glimpse of an Imperial Star Destroyer making the jump to hyperspace. According to their calculations, 57.333… repeating, of course, the ship was heading in the direction of Tatooine.

Well fuck, now they have to go alllll the way back. Luckily, the Krayt Fang was a much faster ship than a star destroyer. They might even have a few minutes to prepare! But how could they beat off (haw) a star destroyer? They’d need a fleet to pull that off!

Back at Teemo’s palace, Thwheek stepped up. “Pfbpftbpftbp pftbptbfftp! Pbhtbhtpbt.” He pledged his ship, the DuneLizard to the cause. “Pfft.”

“Wooooo! Corellia!” And fresh off his gambling wins, Wex Vio was feeling confident (and drunk) enough to take on a Star Destroyer all by himself in the Lucky Guess.

And on his arm, Zae’la Kash was so attracted to the bad boys that she wanted to follow Wex on his wildly reckless journey. She added her ship, the Perfect Ten to the mix.

Next, Grai Denson, the provate security contractor spoke up. He said he’d love to fight back at the Imperials, but his ship was just a carrier with a handful of fighters. But he didn’t have any of his pilot droids with him, so unless they knew where they could find a handful of pilot droids………..


Oh snap! FN-1K actually contributed something to the group other than medical checks! And now the fleet was ready. They developed a quick battle plan and flew off through the atmosphere.

Juice and FN-1K took point in the Wookieebane, followed by the Krayt Fang and the Blade’s Edge in the assault on the Star Destroyer. The rest of the fleet was on fighter duty.

The first two waves of TIE fighters didn’t prove to be much of a problem, but soon another two squadrons made their way into the battle. Many droids died… to bring us this information…. Even Thwheek, who only wanted to get through another day on the job so he could go home to his wife and nine children, was overcome by the TIE attack. Let us all observe a moment of silence for our dear friend. He is lost, but not forgotten.

The assault on the Star Destroyer was not going well either. Despite a barrage of proton torpedos, the Star Destroyer barely had a dent. Something needed to be done. Something drastic. Something bold. Something so inconceivably stupid, it could put lives in danger. Particularly two lives. Well, one life and one robotic subhuman AI.

Juice armed all of the torpedoes left on the Wookieebane. FN-1K piloted the ship straight at the bridge of the Star Destroyer. And then, at the last possible second…..

They jumped into an escape pod and barely made it out alive. The command deck of the Star Destroyer erupted in a giant fireball. The ship careened planetside. Huzzah! There was much rejoicing. I can’t believe they actually pulled that off! Ya know, one of these days these kind of daredevil maneuvers are gonna catch up to them and they’re gonna pay the ultimate price. Oh well. A toast to Juice and FN-1K!

Let’s all take a moment of silence out of respect for our fallen heroes.

How will we ever replace that droid? Oh wait, didn’t Mo wanna build a droid? Yeah, that was easy. Now, we all know there were two very different ideas for what this droid was going to do when he first turned it on. There was Skooter’s perspective and everyone else’s. Perhaps we should have compromised with something like this:


Instead, he turned it on and it blew up. Hilarious, right? WRONG. HE threw a little bitch fit. Even though he was given THREE separate chances in one game to finish his droid after he failed the first two. And even though someone went through the entire process of developing a system so he could build the damn droid in the first place…. And even though he rolled a despair when he found one of the parts for the droid and I guess assumed that we all forgot about it. And even though he’s not a baby.

Sorry…. I got off on a little tangent there. Hmmm, where was I? Oh yeah. So another unlikely victory for our heroes! They took down a STAR DESTROYER. I mean, holy crap, that’s gotta make them pretty notorious. Like, that will really get their name out there. Everyone will know they did this, especially the Empire! Uhhhhhh…. Oh……. OH….. crap….

Over a Black Moon

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Juice Dookdroppa
Skooter Heetshooter

After ruining Teemo’s surprise birthday party, the gang was summoned to Jeffa the Hutt’s floating palace above the Smuggler’s Moon of Nar Shaddaa to learn the truth about the situation. It turns out Jeffa the Hutt actually IS planning to kill his little brother Teemo after all. Well, kind of.

See, Jeffa is still loyal to the Empire, and as such he was able to catch wind of a plot to kill Teemo for turning his back on the Imperials and selling weapons to the Rebel Alliance, but Jeffa didn’t want his brother to die because of family loyalty so he designed a plan to assassinate his brother with the intention of foiling it, but not himself, which is why he wants to hire a strike team to prevent the assassination from succeeding, the plot which he himself designed, thereby preventing his little brother’s death and still maintaining the appearance of loyalty to the Empire so that they wouldn’t try to kill him as well.

You know what, fuck it, here’s a diagram.


Oh, and that’s the plan for next week. For now he just wanted the guys to go pick up Teemo’s birthday present from a pet shop down on Nar Shaddaa. And since they were so helpful to Teemo, the Hutts arranged a once in a lifetime opportunity to erase the bounty on Juice Dookdroppa’s head. All they had to do was talk to Vigo Salin Vikes.

So now that the boring set up for the scenario has been worked out, let’s get down to the meat and two potatoes.

First up was Gravo’s Pet Shop. Whoa… I just had déjà vu. Anyway, they walked inside and were greeted by Gravo, who seemed overjoyed to have customers in his store. But when they asked to pick up the baby rancor for Jeffa, Gravo apologized and said his computer systems have really been acting up for some reason because it said that Jeffa had ordered a Dewback. In fact, there seems to have been a mix-up, and Jeffa’s baby rancor was mistakenly delivered to someone else earlier that morning. His computer probably had a virus or something.

Gravo called up his lone employee, Leila, and asked her to assist in correcting the mix-up. According to the delivery report, the baby rancor was delivered to someone named Onderon Ron for a show at The Cockpit. Wow, I just had déjà vu all over again. Anyway, the gang reluctantly made their way to The Cockpit to try and tame the beast… also to pick up the baby rancor.

Upon walking into the Cockpit, the first thing one will notice is the stench. And yet today, there was a particularly offensive scent coming from the main stage. See, the half-naked man flailing around in front of his adoring fans was Onderon Ron, and his famed “Dewback Shows” were the feature performance of the night. The players watched in horror as a giant gift-wrapped box was rolled on stage. They, unlike Ron, were keenly aware of what surprise awaited him underneath.

At first they tried shouting to him, but in a noisy club like The Cockpit, no one can hear you scream. Slick tried a new approach, and told the DJ to stop the music. As it turns out, “There’s a dangerous animal on stage!” was not exactly new to the audience of a Dewback show.

Time was running out. Ron grabbed the ribbon of the package, wrapped it around his neck and slowly started unraveling the bright red bow. Thinking on his feet, but not with his brain (we hope), Skooter jumped on stage and tried to distract Ron by joining him in a suggestive dance. Juice grabbed one of the tranq darts and threw it at him, but he was feeling too aroused to concentrate and missed. Leila pulled out a knife, thinking someone had to face this challenge head on, grabbed a knife and cut the ribbon.


Juice decided to take a more direct approach.

He pulled out ‘Thunderfucker’ and blasted the speakers out. Please, if you’ve been listening to the mood music I provided you, turn it off now. Better yet, if you have a gun, pull it out and shoot the speakers.

Now I don’t know how most people would react to someone whipping out a giant-ass weapon and firing it in the air, but this crowd was full of pussies (well, dicks), so they started screaming and running for their life, trampling over each other as they scrambled for the exits. Well the good news was they finally got Ron’s attention and managed to transport the rancor to the safety of Jeffa’s palace.

Now, to see what we can do about this 15,000 credit bounty on Juice Dookdroppa’s head. The gang headed off to meet with the local Black Sun Vigo, Salin Vikes. The Vigo pulled out a datapad and showed it as proof that the bounty had already been removed from the Holonet. Wow, what a nice guy! That was easy.

Wait, hang on…. Ok, so it turns out it’s not quite that simple. In exchange for the removal of the bounty, Juice had to collect on a bounty of his own. His target was Jilla Waldas, D.O.A. She was the daughter of a Senator from the Corellian Sector, and was vacationing at the nearby Baala Resort. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it was also an open bounty, so if anyone else managed to collect on it first, the deal was off. So the time came to holla at the Baala.

Luckily, their new friend Leila was totally open to exploiting her recently deceased family’s status for her own personal gain. See, it turns out she comes from Alderaanian Royalty and Leila could actually be a princess, or a kind of ‘Princess Leila’ if you will. Wow, someone should totally write a story based on that very concept!

Anyway, Leila made up some story for the receptionist about how her room was in a state of disrepair and demanded to speak to a manager. While the receptionist went off to find one, Adria hacked into the computer system and found out which room the Waldas family was staying in.

Armed with the room number, and, ya know, lots of weapons and armor… everyone casually took the elevator up to the 12th floor of the glamorous five star resort.

Unfortunately, the room was guarded by two secret service agents.


No. Slick stepped forward to prevent a bloodbath. It turns out Leila wasn’t the only one with important parents. Slick has powers.



So the fortunate son strolled up to the secret service agents and explained he was on a diplomatic mission and needed to meet with the Senator. The ruse worked, and Senator Waldas agreed to hear him out. Slick explained that the Black Sun had a bounty out on his daughter, and the Senator begged them to keep her safe. Unfortunately for our heroes, the Senator’s daughter was in another castle. At the pool on the first level to be exact. But Slick had a glint in his eye…. In that he caught the glare of a rival bounty hunter’s weapon protruding from a window across the street.

Always quick on the draw (and usually way, way too quick), FN-1K instinctively pulled out his climbing gear and fired it across the alley to the window with the bounty hunter. Then, with no regard to his personal safety, the droid jumped out of the window and latched onto the cable. Aaaaaaaan then the cable snapped, sending N1K tumbling down 12 stories and onto his ass.

Then one by one, like lemmings, they tumbled out the window. First Juice, then Skooter, followed by Adria. They each tried to rappel down the side of the building and ultimately failed, but look on the bright side: They made it to the pool! Certainly faster than Leila and Slick.

They made it poolside just in time to see a man in laminate armor forcefully loading a teenage girl into the back of his airspeeder. Juice wasn’t gonna let him get away, so he pulled out his big-ass gun, aimed it at the…. Wait, he threw a tranq dart?

Wow, that was unexpected. Especially because he managed to hit him! But in a moment of despair, the bounty hunter passed out on the controls, and the hover car became a falling car as it went over the edge, plummeting to certain death.

Luckily Adria spotted another vehicle nearby and hotwired the engine. Skooter strained himself to slide across the hood and jump into the driver’s seat. The others piled in the back seat. Skooter hit the gas and flew straight down toward the plummeting car. Thanks to his superior piloting skills (HA!), Skooter managed to keep up a steady pace with the other vehicle, allowing Juice to attempt a jump from one vehicle to the next.

The keyword there was attempt. He missed, almost lost his grip, and when he left his car door open, Slick came flying out as well. In fact, it was only FN-1K’s quick thinking that saved Slick’s life when the droid reached out and grabbed him by the arm. Leila helped him pull Slick’s drunk ass back into the safety of the car. Juice, on the other hand, somehow managed to climb into the other vehicle, shove the unconscious bounty hunter out of the driver’s seat, and steady the airspeeder before it slammed into the underworld of Nar Shaddaa. Mission Accomplished!

Now all they had to do was return the Senator’s daughter for a handsome reward that would easily pay off Juice’s bounty and have enough left over for—wait, what? They… They’re gonna hold her for ransom? They’re going to actively kidnap a senator’s daughter unless he agrees to pass legislation? Ok, well, that’s both illegal and idiotic, but hey, when in Rome…

Well naturally Slick didn’t have the stomach for this sort of thing, so he made a passionate plea to Juice about how kidnapping is wrong, and how a leading politician is the last person you want to upset, and how the life of crime is…. Ah, who am I kidding? The force did it.


But it wasn’t enough. Even with Juice’s sudden, unexpected, totally irrational change of heart, it was still 4 vs 2. So they took the terrified, half-naked teenage girl to the Krayt Fang where Skooter kept a creepy eye on her. FN-1K, Adria and Leila went to pay the Black Sun a visit to try and straighten things out.

At first, the Vigo was uncooperative. He wanted proof that the target had been captured. And even then, how did he know he could trust these strangers? Don’t worry, FN-1K had a plan. He told the Vigo to call the Senator. I know… I don’t see where he’s going with this either, but let’s hear him out.

“Just call him!” N1K shouted.

“CALL HIM NOW!!!!” he yelled.

“DO IT! JUST DO IT!!” and yet, no matter how loud and belligerent FN-1K was, the powerful Black Sun Vigo of Nar Shaddaa didn’t do what the medical droid demanded. Just when we thought there was no hope, the princess stepped up and offered some kind of deal or something and everything worked itself out. Glitterstim will finally be legal in the Corellian Sector!

Oh, and the bounty on Juice Dookdroppa’s head has permanently been removed! He can FINALLY live out the rest of his long, rewarding life in peace. THE END.

What What in the Hutt

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Juice Dookdroppa
Prata’ri Rackus

We begin our story like, I don’t know, a couple months ago on Nar Shaddaa. Good ole Prata’ri Rackus was looking for information on…. Ummm…. You know, what’s their names…. Well, Momma and Sister Rackus. So Prata’ri hit the streets to ask around, because I’m sure that’s the best way to find people on a planet of 85 billion.

The first place he stopped was a booming night club known as the Cockpit.

And man, did he come to the right place, because everyone there was just so friendly for some reason. He bought a drink and tipped the bartender for a little extra information. The bartender suggested that if he’s looking for humanoid cargo, he should check Gravo’s Pet Shop down the street.

Meanwhile, Teemo the Hutt called the rest of the gang to his palace because he believed someone on his staff was conspiring against him. As we learned in Hell Hoth No Fury, the Empire had a spy in Teemo’s palace. And Teemo said his head servant, Do’Sekez, was disappearing at odd times and talking in private to someone on his commlink.

Thwheek, on the other hand, did a little investigating of his own and found that the datapad in the kitchen was used to order Balmudian Cider, which any skilled Xenologist would know is poisonous to Hutts.

After wiping off the Kubaz mucus, the gang went to work to find the Imperial assassin. Adria did a quick scan of Teemo’s WiFi connection and found an unknown signal…. And the call was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! But unfortunately, they couldn’t narrow down an exact location just yet.

First stop: the kitchen. As they walked in, a small refreshment droid conveniently rolled by after being kicked by a giant whale wearing an apron. The whale of a man was Gredd Norma, a herglic and Teemo’s head chef. He complained that Teemo’s been cutting costs recently by hiring droids over humanoids, because they cost less to maintain. A motive? Maybe. Gredd insisted that it was he who ordered the Balmudian Cider, but he did it as a favor for Lemmy Zhalto, the newest member of the house band.

Adria stepped out of the kitchen to talk to that poor, abused refreshment droid, who she later found out was RT-45. According to him, the Herglic was a droid racist, and as much as we all hate FN-1K, we still kinda felt bad for the little guy. RT agreed to sneak into the kitchen and swipe the datapad. After some 1337zor Hax, Adria found out that someone used this datapad to contact Jeffa the Hutt on Nar Shaddaa….

Back to Gravo’s pet shop where our hero, Prai’tari Rackus, was following a lead on his family’s whereabouts. Unfortunately, he wasn’t nearly as charming as his rugged good looks might suggest. Gravo the Hutt wasn’t willing to give up the truth about his humanoid trafficking ring. So Rackus figured the sensible thing to do in this situation was to wait until nightfall and engage in some slight breaking and entering.

Unfortunately for Rackus, a nosy civilian saw him slip into the back alley. That’s when Rackus decided it was time to put on his clever disguise kit.


Now that people will just assume he had Space Downs, Rackus got to work. He managed to HAXXOR into Gravo’s system and find out that his Mom and Sister were transported by a Trandoshan slaver named Grekk. Hmmm… Grekk. Why does that name sound familiar? Eh, it’s not important now. Especially since that nosy ass civilian is looking through the glass and calling the cops outside!

Rackus wasn’t done yet, though. He gave Gravo’s computer system an STD and booked it out the back just in time to hear the sirens. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t even climb over a 5 foot fence, so he had to make a run for it on foot.

Back at Teemo’s palace, Slick and Juice were tearing apart Do’Sekez’s private quarters. When they couldn’t pick the lock on his footlocker, Juice solved the problem the same way he solves every problem. He shot it with his big-ass gun. Inside, they found a datapad, which was for some reason scorched by blaster fire. Hopefully Adria could fix and/or hack it. Which she did.

It turns out Do’Sekez had been making calls to both Jeffa the Hutt, and an Imperial officer, OH NOES! Not only did he ask for an entire battalion of Stormtroopers, but he also ordered 500 lbs of explosives, and the shipment had just arrived in the cargo area. As if the evidence wasn’t damning enough, there was also talk of a secret meeting going on outside, below the landing pad. The password was “Family Secret.” Clearly, someone was trying to kill Teemo.

The group then got a holocall from Rackus, who said he’d meet them at Teemo’s palace. In the meantime, the group went to check out these explosives in the cargo bay. There, they met Kragan, the dockmaster, and thanks to Slick’s super slick speech abilities, convinced him that they were there to pick up the shipment for Do’Sekez. They moved the fireworks to as discreet location in the sewers where Juice and Thwheek set up an ambush.

When Rackus finally arrived, he told the rest of the group everything he had learned. Something about some guy named…. Grekk?

Funny story, Rackus. We kinda maybe killed him and might be sorta flying around in his ship.

So Rackus runs a few scans on the Wookieebane’s computer systems and finds out that his mother and sister were delivered to Brando the Hutt, the fattest, shittiest Hutt of them all on Nal Hutta. But we’ll have to save that for another exciting episode.


Slick, Adria, and Rackus grouped up to check out this secret meeting under the landing pad. They found a small shack and could hear muffled voices inside. Unfortunately, the meeting ended before they could get any real info, and Slick did his best to keep the group, led by Do’Sekez and Lemmy Zhalto, from getting suspicious. In fact, he even managed to convince them to pick up their crate of explosives from the sewers.

Adria and Rackus went down to join the ambush while Slick went up to talk to Teemo about their progress. But when Slick mentioned Jeffa the Hutt’s name to Teemo, the Hutt let out one of those iconic laughs and said that all was not how it seemed. Teemo said that his 200th birthday was coming up in a week, and Jeffa was obviously just trying to throw a surprise party for his little brother. Not entirely convinced, Slick ran down to the sewers to try to stop the carnage.

The trap was set. Juice removed some of the explosives from the crate to make sure that the blast would only be deadly from a few feet away. The others hid nearby in the shadows with their blasters trained on the crate. Once Do’Sekez and his minions approached, the gang revealed themselves and shouted an ultimatum: Give up now or die.

Do’Sekez pulled out his blaster. Clearly, he wasn’t going to let these strangers kill him without putting up a fight. But before the firefight could begin, Bradrus came running down the corridor, shouting something about a surprise birthday party. Do’Sekez looked defeated as he admitted the truth. How could these strangers hate joy that much? Why did they have to ruin such a pleasant surprise for his master?

In conclusion, Teemo wasn’t really upset about having the surprise ruined, but he was still a little concerned that there was still an Imperial spy running around his palace somewhere. Oh yeah, whatever happened to that part? Oh well, this story is over. No way that could EVER come back to bite them in the ass.

Target Half-Assed

Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Skooter Heetshooter

Ugh, what? I have to tell you what happened this week? Fuckin’ fine. So that guy Bradrus was on the Kreeeeeaaaaaat Fang and was alseep or some shit for like a week, but woke up and started stumbling around the hold jabbing at various buttons and basically failing to perform everyday tasks like “turn on comlink,” “turn on lights,” and “breathe regularly.”

I guess Adria and Juice (who was still carrying the packed up and shut down FN-1K on his back) headed over to the Wookiebane to leave this shit hole Correllia. Skooter was creepin; around the Imperial landing bay after repeatedly stabbing Lieutenant Herkin to death. He easily locates a map and turns a corner just in time to stumble into Jeffren, who he himself had just left the scene of a multiple-homicide in a stolen fucking smuggler’s ship. Wow, you say, a vehicle of a known criminal and wanted murderer parked in a MILITARY FACILITY?! What could ever go wrong? Seems like a good plan to that jackass Jeffren because he walked away whistling awkwardly after telling the ground crew he was Dick Nasty. Phhht, don’t worry, it’ll work out in the end.

So after kissing each other or whatever they both come across an Imperial patrol. First they try to crawl into the ventilation shaft to avoid them, but it almost tragically ends right next to the two troopers watching the exit. Jeffren stealthily exits the shaft, obviously having plenty of background work with them, and plays dumb to the guards. Skooter sees his chance but thinks zippers are for nerds and lets his knoife slip out of his pocket. It goes clanking onto the ground but Jeffren successfully distracts the grunts into chasing down a mysterious noise down the hall. Using the distraction, they slip away from the facility.

Back on the ship, Bradrus eventually learns basic motor control and switches on the external cameras. He sees an unidentified individual chilling on a crate outside the ship. He calls Jeffren and gives him the heads up, but continues to cower on the ship.

So Jeffren and Skooter make it to the docking bay where the Fang is, and are greeted by someone identifying themselves as Vorland Kesh. He says he’s a bounty hunter out for them and they come come peacefully or in pieces. Hahaha, gallows humor. Jeffren tries to get cute and say “Wha? Me? Surely you want Juice!” but Kesh shows them a video recording of the entire gang stealing 10,000 credits from a Black Sun vigo and then making a run for it.

Oh yeah, that happened.

Anyway, as a show of force all of Kesh’s buddies deactivate their stealth fields, revealing that the group is surrounded. Bradrus thinking he’s a big man open’s the Fang’s ramp and comes out to help. Behind him, one of the hunters decloaks and slams the ramp shut, sealing their one way of escape. So a gun fight breaks out, which was pretty procedural except for the fact Skooter got slide-tackled by a dude with a jetpack and then tangled into a pretty cool knife fight with him. He was even classy and left two credits on his body “for the ferryman” because hey if you’re going to be a serial killer at least do it with some standards. Oh, and Vorland Kesh? Well as he saw his support minions get shot to shit he decided the pay off wasn’t worth it and Jet Packed The Fuck Out. While giving everyone the space finger.

Bodies littered the landing bay and somehow Skooter and Bradrus got back into the Kreeeeat Fang and took off. But the there was still and stealthed hunter in there so I hope that doesn’t come back and bite them in the ass…?

Jeffren gets a comlink message from an Imperial authority figure that they want to question the owner of the Winning Hand. Because Mr. Fro was born without the human gene to read foreshadowing he casually strolled down into the Imperial facility.

(Ext. Imperial Facility, our hero JEFFREN FRO has been called upon by the local magistrate to report for a crime he hath not committed)

Jeffren: Oh, what a fate hath befallen me that I, in the spring of my youth, shall be set upon such villiany at each turn. Lo, unkind Fates, do thy see me as a plaything? If thy do, are thy Fates at least hot?

Stormtrooper 1: (raising rifles to Jeffren) What ho! Hold and be fleeced! State thy name and intent on this ruinous day, knave!

Stormtrooper 2: Zounds! Thou art Dick Nasty!

Jeffren: Kind sirs, I doth protest! Look upon mine identification, constables, and verily see I am not this Dick Nasty you so much wish to obtain!

Narrator: And lo did a smug look creep acros’t his face as his parchments were produced from his waistcoat.

Stormtrooper 1: Tut tut! Is true, yet eegads! Art thou not thine scribe that quilted many a poisoned barb against our beloved Emperor!

Stormtrooper 2.: (interjecting) Aye, tis true, and curse upon curses shall he be taken for such offenses! Slander and lies, slander and lies! (he spits upon the ground)

Jeffren: …Fuck.

Narrator: (sarcastically) So Jeffren was taken into Imperial custody for being criminally stupid.

(End Scene)


I'm sorry, but we no longer support this web browser. Please upgrade your browser or install Chrome or Firefox to enjoy the full functionality of this site.