Dickin' Around In Space

What What in the Hutt

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Juice Dookdroppa
Prata’ri Rackus

We begin our story like, I don’t know, a couple months ago on Nar Shaddaa. Good ole Prata’ri Rackus was looking for information on…. Ummm…. You know, what’s their names…. Well, Momma and Sister Rackus. So Prata’ri hit the streets to ask around, because I’m sure that’s the best way to find people on a planet of 85 billion.

The first place he stopped was a booming night club known as the Cockpit.

And man, did he come to the right place, because everyone there was just so friendly for some reason. He bought a drink and tipped the bartender for a little extra information. The bartender suggested that if he’s looking for humanoid cargo, he should check Gravo’s Pet Shop down the street.

Meanwhile, Teemo the Hutt called the rest of the gang to his palace because he believed someone on his staff was conspiring against him. As we learned in Hell Hoth No Fury, the Empire had a spy in Teemo’s palace. And Teemo said his head servant, Do’Sekez, was disappearing at odd times and talking in private to someone on his commlink.

Thwheek, on the other hand, did a little investigating of his own and found that the datapad in the kitchen was used to order Balmudian Cider, which any skilled Xenologist would know is poisonous to Hutts.

After wiping off the Kubaz mucus, the gang went to work to find the Imperial assassin. Adria did a quick scan of Teemo’s WiFi connection and found an unknown signal…. And the call was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! But unfortunately, they couldn’t narrow down an exact location just yet.

First stop: the kitchen. As they walked in, a small refreshment droid conveniently rolled by after being kicked by a giant whale wearing an apron. The whale of a man was Gredd Norma, a herglic and Teemo’s head chef. He complained that Teemo’s been cutting costs recently by hiring droids over humanoids, because they cost less to maintain. A motive? Maybe. Gredd insisted that it was he who ordered the Balmudian Cider, but he did it as a favor for Lemmy Zhalto, the newest member of the house band.

Adria stepped out of the kitchen to talk to that poor, abused refreshment droid, who she later found out was RT-45. According to him, the Herglic was a droid racist, and as much as we all hate FN-1K, we still kinda felt bad for the little guy. RT agreed to sneak into the kitchen and swipe the datapad. After some 1337zor Hax, Adria found out that someone used this datapad to contact Jeffa the Hutt on Nar Shaddaa….

Back to Gravo’s pet shop where our hero, Prai’tari Rackus, was following a lead on his family’s whereabouts. Unfortunately, he wasn’t nearly as charming as his rugged good looks might suggest. Gravo the Hutt wasn’t willing to give up the truth about his humanoid trafficking ring. So Rackus figured the sensible thing to do in this situation was to wait until nightfall and engage in some slight breaking and entering.

Unfortunately for Rackus, a nosy civilian saw him slip into the back alley. That’s when Rackus decided it was time to put on his clever disguise kit.


Now that people will just assume he had Space Downs, Rackus got to work. He managed to HAXXOR into Gravo’s system and find out that his Mom and Sister were transported by a Trandoshan slaver named Grekk. Hmmm… Grekk. Why does that name sound familiar? Eh, it’s not important now. Especially since that nosy ass civilian is looking through the glass and calling the cops outside!

Rackus wasn’t done yet, though. He gave Gravo’s computer system an STD and booked it out the back just in time to hear the sirens. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t even climb over a 5 foot fence, so he had to make a run for it on foot.

Back at Teemo’s palace, Slick and Juice were tearing apart Do’Sekez’s private quarters. When they couldn’t pick the lock on his footlocker, Juice solved the problem the same way he solves every problem. He shot it with his big-ass gun. Inside, they found a datapad, which was for some reason scorched by blaster fire. Hopefully Adria could fix and/or hack it. Which she did.

It turns out Do’Sekez had been making calls to both Jeffa the Hutt, and an Imperial officer, OH NOES! Not only did he ask for an entire battalion of Stormtroopers, but he also ordered 500 lbs of explosives, and the shipment had just arrived in the cargo area. As if the evidence wasn’t damning enough, there was also talk of a secret meeting going on outside, below the landing pad. The password was “Family Secret.” Clearly, someone was trying to kill Teemo.

The group then got a holocall from Rackus, who said he’d meet them at Teemo’s palace. In the meantime, the group went to check out these explosives in the cargo bay. There, they met Kragan, the dockmaster, and thanks to Slick’s super slick speech abilities, convinced him that they were there to pick up the shipment for Do’Sekez. They moved the fireworks to as discreet location in the sewers where Juice and Thwheek set up an ambush.

When Rackus finally arrived, he told the rest of the group everything he had learned. Something about some guy named…. Grekk?

Funny story, Rackus. We kinda maybe killed him and might be sorta flying around in his ship.

So Rackus runs a few scans on the Wookieebane’s computer systems and finds out that his mother and sister were delivered to Brando the Hutt, the fattest, shittiest Hutt of them all on Nal Hutta. But we’ll have to save that for another exciting episode.


Slick, Adria, and Rackus grouped up to check out this secret meeting under the landing pad. They found a small shack and could hear muffled voices inside. Unfortunately, the meeting ended before they could get any real info, and Slick did his best to keep the group, led by Do’Sekez and Lemmy Zhalto, from getting suspicious. In fact, he even managed to convince them to pick up their crate of explosives from the sewers.

Adria and Rackus went down to join the ambush while Slick went up to talk to Teemo about their progress. But when Slick mentioned Jeffa the Hutt’s name to Teemo, the Hutt let out one of those iconic laughs and said that all was not how it seemed. Teemo said that his 200th birthday was coming up in a week, and Jeffa was obviously just trying to throw a surprise party for his little brother. Not entirely convinced, Slick ran down to the sewers to try to stop the carnage.

The trap was set. Juice removed some of the explosives from the crate to make sure that the blast would only be deadly from a few feet away. The others hid nearby in the shadows with their blasters trained on the crate. Once Do’Sekez and his minions approached, the gang revealed themselves and shouted an ultimatum: Give up now or die.

Do’Sekez pulled out his blaster. Clearly, he wasn’t going to let these strangers kill him without putting up a fight. But before the firefight could begin, Bradrus came running down the corridor, shouting something about a surprise birthday party. Do’Sekez looked defeated as he admitted the truth. How could these strangers hate joy that much? Why did they have to ruin such a pleasant surprise for his master?

In conclusion, Teemo wasn’t really upset about having the surprise ruined, but he was still a little concerned that there was still an Imperial spy running around his palace somewhere. Oh yeah, whatever happened to that part? Oh well, this story is over. No way that could EVER come back to bite them in the ass.

Target Half-Assed

Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Skooter Heetshooter

Ugh, what? I have to tell you what happened this week? Fuckin’ fine. So that guy Bradrus was on the Kreeeeeaaaaaat Fang and was alseep or some shit for like a week, but woke up and started stumbling around the hold jabbing at various buttons and basically failing to perform everyday tasks like “turn on comlink,” “turn on lights,” and “breathe regularly.”

I guess Adria and Juice (who was still carrying the packed up and shut down FN-1K on his back) headed over to the Wookiebane to leave this shit hole Correllia. Skooter was creepin; around the Imperial landing bay after repeatedly stabbing Lieutenant Herkin to death. He easily locates a map and turns a corner just in time to stumble into Jeffren, who he himself had just left the scene of a multiple-homicide in a stolen fucking smuggler’s ship. Wow, you say, a vehicle of a known criminal and wanted murderer parked in a MILITARY FACILITY?! What could ever go wrong? Seems like a good plan to that jackass Jeffren because he walked away whistling awkwardly after telling the ground crew he was Dick Nasty. Phhht, don’t worry, it’ll work out in the end.

So after kissing each other or whatever they both come across an Imperial patrol. First they try to crawl into the ventilation shaft to avoid them, but it almost tragically ends right next to the two troopers watching the exit. Jeffren stealthily exits the shaft, obviously having plenty of background work with them, and plays dumb to the guards. Skooter sees his chance but thinks zippers are for nerds and lets his knoife slip out of his pocket. It goes clanking onto the ground but Jeffren successfully distracts the grunts into chasing down a mysterious noise down the hall. Using the distraction, they slip away from the facility.

Back on the ship, Bradrus eventually learns basic motor control and switches on the external cameras. He sees an unidentified individual chilling on a crate outside the ship. He calls Jeffren and gives him the heads up, but continues to cower on the ship.

So Jeffren and Skooter make it to the docking bay where the Fang is, and are greeted by someone identifying themselves as Vorland Kesh. He says he’s a bounty hunter out for them and they come come peacefully or in pieces. Hahaha, gallows humor. Jeffren tries to get cute and say “Wha? Me? Surely you want Juice!” but Kesh shows them a video recording of the entire gang stealing 10,000 credits from a Black Sun vigo and then making a run for it.

Oh yeah, that happened.

Anyway, as a show of force all of Kesh’s buddies deactivate their stealth fields, revealing that the group is surrounded. Bradrus thinking he’s a big man open’s the Fang’s ramp and comes out to help. Behind him, one of the hunters decloaks and slams the ramp shut, sealing their one way of escape. So a gun fight breaks out, which was pretty procedural except for the fact Skooter got slide-tackled by a dude with a jetpack and then tangled into a pretty cool knife fight with him. He was even classy and left two credits on his body “for the ferryman” because hey if you’re going to be a serial killer at least do it with some standards. Oh, and Vorland Kesh? Well as he saw his support minions get shot to shit he decided the pay off wasn’t worth it and Jet Packed The Fuck Out. While giving everyone the space finger.

Bodies littered the landing bay and somehow Skooter and Bradrus got back into the Kreeeeat Fang and took off. But the there was still and stealthed hunter in there so I hope that doesn’t come back and bite them in the ass…?

Jeffren gets a comlink message from an Imperial authority figure that they want to question the owner of the Winning Hand. Because Mr. Fro was born without the human gene to read foreshadowing he casually strolled down into the Imperial facility.

(Ext. Imperial Facility, our hero JEFFREN FRO has been called upon by the local magistrate to report for a crime he hath not committed)

Jeffren: Oh, what a fate hath befallen me that I, in the spring of my youth, shall be set upon such villiany at each turn. Lo, unkind Fates, do thy see me as a plaything? If thy do, are thy Fates at least hot?

Stormtrooper 1: (raising rifles to Jeffren) What ho! Hold and be fleeced! State thy name and intent on this ruinous day, knave!

Stormtrooper 2: Zounds! Thou art Dick Nasty!

Jeffren: Kind sirs, I doth protest! Look upon mine identification, constables, and verily see I am not this Dick Nasty you so much wish to obtain!

Narrator: And lo did a smug look creep acros’t his face as his parchments were produced from his waistcoat.

Stormtrooper 1: Tut tut! Is true, yet eegads! Art thou not thine scribe that quilted many a poisoned barb against our beloved Emperor!

Stormtrooper 2.: (interjecting) Aye, tis true, and curse upon curses shall he be taken for such offenses! Slander and lies, slander and lies! (he spits upon the ground)

Jeffren: …Fuck.

Narrator: (sarcastically) So Jeffren was taken into Imperial custody for being criminally stupid.

(End Scene)

Target Engaged

Adria Montoya
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Juice Dookdroppa
Skooter Heetshooter

When last we left the crew of the Crazed Fan, they were relaxing in the luxurious warmth of Corellian Bacta tanks. Upon waking with minds cleared, wounds healed, and fingers pruned, they received a message from Mu Nanb. He informed them that he’d tried to send a mechanic team to fix up their ship, but the hangar had been locked down, and there were bounty hunters everywhere, watching the entrance. He also said that, since the repair team was there, he ordered them to go to the hangar where the Wookiebane was located, and see what they could do to fix that up instead.

Jeffren had also received a message from his news director, Bartam Typhe, explaining that he’d received a tip about a notorious smuggler who’d been transporting weapons and supplies for the Rebel Alliance. The smuggler was planning to make his final run, and was on Corellia looking for extra crew!

What a scoop!

So Jeffren headed to hangar D14, ready to take on his newest assignment. As for the rest of the crew, they carefully considered the various details of their situation:
- There’s still a bounty on Juice.
- They recently humiliated a powerful Black Sun leader on the planet.
- Someone has initiated a lockdown of their hangar.
- Bradrus is still aboard the Creme Fraiche.
- The Wookiebane is now functional, should they need access to a starship.
- One of their companions has just been asked to go undercover with a smuggler who is actively searching for new crew members.

Eh, fuck this. Herkin’s coming! Let’s abandon Jeffren and set a trap!

So they do. They contact their Rodian pal Obik Chekka, and head to the late Moxo Oonta’s ship to prepare. Besides, Herkin won’t be suspicious that Moxo has been out of contact for 3 days, and all Rodians look the same, right?

These guys are numba one racists.

So anyway, Skooter decides to have them all gather on Moxo’s ship, and then get Obik to silently lure Herkin aboard when he arrives, because if there’s one thing Skooter knows, it’s that sitting quietly on a ship and waiting for Herkin to show up is an airtight strategy that cannot possibly backfire.

Meanwhile, Jeffren arrives in hangar D14 to find a man and a droid prepping the ship. The man introduces himself as Dek Narliss, captain of the Winning Hand, and explains that he’s preparing to make his final run to the planet Ralltiir. Jeffren introduces himself as “Chico” and displays a fake ID provided to him by his boss, and they prepare to take off. Dek also introduces Chico to his droid assistant, CK-R3, who he nicknames “Seeker”. As they take off, Chico tries to gather some information about the mission, but Dek is reluctant to provide any detail. He explains only that they are making a delivery to Imperial-controlled Ralltir, and confirms that he’s planning to quit smuggling after completing this last run.

As they approach the atmosphere of Ralltiir, Dek signals CK-R3, who approaches the console of the Winning Hand and inserts a data connection into a terminal. Suddenly, spaceport control is on the comm, identifying the ship as the Fool’s Gold, and Dek grins and winks at Chico. He then replies to the spaceport controller that he is “Capt. Zarik Tobin” and is making a delivery on the planet. The ship is granted clearance to land, and they make their way to a landing pad.

Once there, Dek turns to Chico and explains that he is to remain on the ship while Dek goes to locate his contact. Once he gets back, then they can proceed with unloading their cargo. Dek then leaves the ship, with Chico and CK-R3 still aboard.

Herkin arrives, accompanied by not 1, not 2, but 7 stormtroopers. He sees a Rodian who is clearly not Moxo wordlessly signaling him to come aboard the ship, and then Skooter whispers an excuse about needing help securing the prisoner, which Obik repeats. Herkin, not wanting to dirty his lily-white Imperial officer hands, instructs 3 of the stormtroopers to board the vessel and assist.

That’s when everything went nuts. The three stormtroopers came aboard and saw that it was a trap (gif not found), and everyone started blasting. Juice, Skooter, and FN-1K blasted at the stormtroopers, while Adria used a console on the ship to hack the door to the hangar, closing and locking it.
The stormtrooper sergeant comes aboard as well, and for a while there’s a back and forth of firing inside this tiny scout ship. Eventually, Skooter gets the idea to head to the cockpit and lift the ship off the ground so that the remaining stormtroopers can’t board. He does so, but one of the troopers dashes to the cockpit to stop him. Long story short, Skooter stabbed the guy while hovering the ship. It was pretty cool.

Back on Ralltiir, Dek returns, hands raised, followed by a few members of the CSA security police. The CSA captain calls out, ordering “Captain Zarik Tobin” to exit the ship. Chico steps down, playing along. “I’m sorry, Captain,” Dek tells Chico, “the jig is up. I had no choice.” The CSA then proceed to tell Chico that he is under arrest for smuggling illegal goods to Ralltiir, and Dek makes a move to get back on the ship. The cops tell him he’s under arrest as well, and Dek is surprised. “B-but, the deal was—” And now it’s clear.

Hey, there it is! Anyway, looks like Chico AND Dek are getting screwed over now. It’s time for them to band together if they’re going to get out of this alive. It’s a time for looking beyond the mistakes of the past. A time for forgiveness. A time for teamwork. Right, Chico?

Well, so much for that. Chico panics, runs into the ship, and closes with entry ramp. So Dek’s gonna have to get out of this one on his own! He blasts the CSA Captain with a headshot, just like an old pro. Looks like our boy Dek might get out of this one after all. Now if he can just get to the ship and convince Chico to—


Nope. Dek’s been shot in the back by the other CSA cops. I guess Chico’s flying out of here…solo.

When last we left the rest of the gang, Skooter was stabbing a guy and hovering the late Moxo’s ship. Juice, Adria, and FN-1K were dealing with stormtroopers both on the ship and outside in the hangar. Of course, Herkin is still outside, trying to get the door open, and Skooter is at the helm of a starship with forward-mounted blasters…Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Wait, what?? Seriously? Uh, ok. let’s see how that goes.

Yeah, when a large vehicle goes from idling to moving toward you, you dive out of the way. And that’s just what the Lieutenant did. So now the escape route is seriously blocked. Also, the ship is now wrecked, so it’s time to ditch it. The gang manages to knock out the remaining stormtroopers, but Skooter has a score to settle with Herkin. A score so important, it can only be solved by a vibroknife with a less-than-impressive stab record. He dashes at him, and they wrestle around for a while, with Herkin trying to reach one of the syringes he’d been carrying to sedate his prisoner. Skooter took a lot of strain in this fight, but not only did he manage to knock the syringe out of Herkin’s grasp, but he pulled that vibroknife and stabbed the FUCK out of him. Herkin was seriously injured, and seeing that Skooter had put so much into this fight that he was on the verge of passing out, he tried something desperate. He tried to taunt Skooter into exhaustion. Summoning all his willpower and hatred, Herkin looked his Chiss foe right in the eyes, and prepared to launch a furious and scathing tirade that would sap the last of Skooter’s strength and render him helpless…

Yeah, it didn’t work. Herkin was so full of knife wounds, all his words had leaked out into a pool on the floor. He started to die, and Skooter helped him along by stabbing him with the vibroblade he’d snagged from Moxo’s corpse. Man, Skooter was really on a badass roll today.

Of course, since the exit to the rest of the spaceport was now blocked by a wrecked ship, and an Imperial shuttle was en route to provide support, Skooter and the gang didn’t have much time to hang around, much less stand over Herkin’s corpse making quips and putting on sunglasses. So they found a ventilation duct and crawled to the spaceport corridor and eventual escape. And that’s the story of everyone in this scenario. Oh, wait, Chico’s still on his own? Right.

Back on Ralltiir, he fired up the engines and began his escape. Of course, CK-R3 had some questions, things like “Where’s Dek?” and “What happened to Dek?”. Chico explained that Dek had been killed by the Corporate Security Agents, conveniently leaving out, “because I ditched him”. When “Seeker” exclaimed that that wasn’t part of the plan, Chico was prompted to ask some questions of his own. Namely, “what plan?”, and “There was a plan??”. Seeker responded by showing him two holomessages. The first was to Dek from Herkin:
Hello Narliss. I’m arranging to have some passengers sent your way. It would be in your best interest to take them in and get them to Ralltiir. One of them is a reporter, a producer at Corellian News will be sending him as an “undercover” journalist. Just go along with it, and I’ll have security take care of them when you’ve arrived. And Dek? Don’t do anything to make them suspicious. It would be a real tragedy if your wife had to face the consequences because you failed to perform this task adequately.

So now Jeffren knew that Herkin had planned to trap him as well, but how did he manage to plant the idea of the news assignment? Well, seeker had another holomessage that covered that, this time from Jeffren’s own boss, Bartam Typhe:
He’s on his way to you now. Take him on like you don’t know anything, maybe show him around, and they’ll pick him up on Ralltiir. Herkin will get to him then. If you can, get his recording equipment before he’s taken, that way we’ll still have a story. And listen, don’t—I mean, try not to let them hurt him. He was a good journalist, even if he is a traitor to the Empire.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh shait. So now Jeffren finds out that not only was he set up, but he was set up by his own boss. Well it’s time to fly the Winning Hand back to Corellia, and I assume once Jeffren meets up with the rest of his companions, he’ll have quite a bone to pick. It should be a pretty interesting story, y’know, assuming it isn’t totally half-assed.

Target Acquired

Adria Montoya
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Juice Dookdroppa
Skooter Heetshooter

Having returned to the Crayon Fang with their swoop race winnings, Skooter and Slick find that Mu Nanb (remember him?) has awakened from his injuries. He tells the group that he needs to get back to the Rebel Alliance, and that they have a secret outpost here on Corellia. Slick remains on the ship to recover, and FN-1K is out distributing Droid Rights literature with his new friends in the IDC, so it’s up to Skooter and the recently sobered-up Jeffren “Chico” Froe to get him back. At least, it would be, except…

The Wookiebane finally makes it to the Corellian spaceport, having been held together by spit and anger, and lands in a nearby hangar. As Juice and Adria exit, they are stopped by the local spaceport security. The security officer notices the vehicle, and asks Juice if he’s here to try and collect on the bounty. He explains that numerous bounty hunters have appeared on Coronet City recently, so the competition is going to be crowded. Juice and Adria play along, and are ready to leave when the officer checks the last bit of the ship’s registry information. “Good luck to you, mister…Grekk?”

Juice responded, “Uh…yeah…”

You know, like a liar. Anyway, he grabbed Grekk’s (the real one) heavy battle armor, intending to get it repaired to fit himself (the fake Grekk), and they headed out.

While that was going on, Jeffren and Skooter were dealing with their own spaceport security. At least, that’s what the guy said. He claimed something about having to search the ship, saying there were illegal goods onboard. Jeffren and Skooter weren’t buying it, and refused to let the guy on. He then explained that he was just looking for Juice Dookdroppa, and insisted that he’d leave them alone if they sent him out. Jeffren tried to convince the guy that Juice wasn’t on the ship, but he wasn’t having it. The guy pulled his blaster and tried to put them down. Skooter immediately drew his knife and dove at the guy…and missed. Jeffren, on the other hand, decided to be a hero and ran away. HE RAN AWAY.

Okay, technically, he ran back into the ship to get to the turret, but still, he abandoned Skooter in the middle of a fight, and we all know how Skooter’s aim is with that knife.
Anyway, while Skooter and this guy were scuffling on the ground, Jeffren made it to the turrent, readied the guns…and missed.

At first, anyway. He eventually got the hang of it, while Skooter was being beaten, and fired a shot that tore this guy to pieces. This meant, obviously, that when Juice and Adria arrived, there wasn’t much for them to do. And when it was over, there wasn’t much to interrogate.

So they stood in the pile of goo that he once been a mysterious enemy, and Mu Nanb was all like, “Well, now i really want to get out of here.” He explained that there was a cantina in the Blue Sector called the Fel Swoop where he could meet up with a Rebel Alliance contact. And since there was a medcenter on the way, he suggested they make their way there first.

The group headed off to the medical center, where some (but not all) of their wounds were treated, and then it was time to move on to the Blue Sector. In between that area and the medcenter was a large, open area filled with crowds. As the group began making their way to the Blue Sector entrance, they noticed that they were being followed. They turned and noticed the crowds parting, revealing a figure none other than Moxo Oonta. Moxo raised his blaster rifle, but the team was too quick for him. They managed to move into range, switching their blasters over to Stun, and were able to take Moxo down swiftly.

Once he was down, Juice and Skooter picked up Moxo’s unconscious body and carried it toward the entrance to the Blue Sector. Jeffren and Adria, on the other hand, noticed a group of men in the crowd who were holstering blasters as they turned and fled the scene. They followed them, catching up to find out who the men were, and found out they were inexperienced bounty hunters who had been planning to go after Juice, and reconsidered when they saw how the group took care of Moxo.

Once Skooter and Juice got inside the Blue Sector, they dragged Moxo’s body into an alleyway and woke him up. Skooter, assuming that Moxo’s presence meant Lieutenant Herkin was nearby, asked where Herkin was. Moxo responded by spitting in his face, then saying Herkin would get him eventually. Skooter didn’t like this answer, and punched Moxo in the gut so hard that reality itself was shaken.

He then drew his knife and gave Moxo one last chance, saying they’d let him go if he helped them defeat Herkin. Moxo, probably aware that Skooter has never stabbed anything that wasn’t on his team, told Skooter he might as well just kill him, because there was no way he was going to help the guy who ruined his hunting operation. And then, get this: Skooter stabbed him. Like for real. He actually used his knife on an enemy, and it worked. I know, I didn’t believe it either, but that’s what happened. They searched his body, and recovered a blaster pistol, scanner goggles, a vibrosword, and…his comlink.

Everyone except Skooter realized that this was a unique opportunity, since it would allow them to contact Lieutenant Herkin and figure out his plans, so they decided to take it with them and look for a Rodian they could pass off as Moxo. Skooter decided to take the vibrosword as well, because why miss someone with a knife when you could miss them with a sword?

They entered the Fel Swoop, and Mu Nanb began searching for his contact. Juice and Skooter, on the other hand, looked around the place for a Rodian they could pay to impersonate Moxo. They found one, Obik Chekka, and he contacted Herkin using Moxo’s comlink, telling him that he had captured Skooter, but not the others, and that he would deliver him at his starship. Herkin revealed that he would be arriving on Corellia within the next few days, and he would meet him then. Satisfied with this information, Juice then asked where he could find a place that would repair the armor he was carrying. Obik told him there was a weapons & armor shop called “Straight Shotz” located further in the sector, in an area called Treasure Ship Row. Mu Nanb, on the other hand, located his Rebel contact, and bid farewell to the group, offering to help them next chance he got. Juice told him they could use some repairs on the Krayt Fang, and sugested that Mu send some mechanics to their hangar. Mu Nanb said he’d see what he could do, and departed.

So the group made their way to “Straight Shotz”, and Juice threw his armor on the counter. “Can you fix this, and re-shape it for me?”, he asked. “Sorry,” said the shop keeper, “i just sell weapons and armor, I can’t do custom repair work.” It was almost as if the galaxy itself had conspired to prevent Juice from getting this armor repaired so easily. The galaxy probably thought that handing this rare and powerful armor to him right away would be kind of cheap and easy, and that by making it more difficult to acquire, he was making sure that its owner would appreciate it more when he was finally able to use it. Man, what an asshole the galaxy was.

Frustrated and furious, Juice and the rest of the group left, and decided to capitalize on the bounty by heading to the nearby Black Sun outpost. Jeffren drew his blaster and pointed it at Juice, which was enough to convince the guard at the door to let them in. They entered and found themselves in the main chamber of Gunn’sara, the local head of Black Sun. He happily ordered his servant to retrieve the 10,000 credits for the team, and the servant handed it to Skooter. Obviously, they weren’t just going to leave juice there, though, so at that moment, Jeffren shifted his aim to blast at Gunn’sara. He missed, and the fight went crazy from there. The Aqualish thugs, a Barabel enforcer, and another bounty hunter joined into the fray. The jerks knew they couldn’t face them all, especially since some of them were still seriously injured, so they made a run for it. They still took a few hits at the door, and jeffren went down in the doorway. To buy some time, Juice tossed a grenade. The blast didn’t hit anyone, but was enough of a disraction so that they could steal and hotwire a landspeeder outside and make a getaway.

Once they were far enough to make sure they couldn’t be followed, Juice wanted to locate another armory. A useful one this time, because come on. “Straight Shotz” had been a letdown, but “Plate Shirtz” was a different story. The owner there had a droid that did custom repair work. There was still a catch, though, which was that the armor was so damaged, and reshaping Trandoshan armor to fit a human such a task, that the job wouldn’t be completed for a few days. This was okay with Juice, so he left the armor with the droid and the group decided to head back to the spaceport to check out Moxo’s hangar.

Skooter discovered that Moxo had arrived in a very nice-looking jumpmaster ship, the Rodian Fire, and also found some extra gear stashed aboard.

With access to a new ship and a few days to remain on the planet anyway, they headed back to the medcenter for a nice long Bacta bath (or as it’s otherwise known, a Bathta).
While there, Jeffren got a message from his boss at Corellian Planetary News. He said that he’d received a tip that there was a smuggler on Corellia involved in transporting arms to the Rebellion, and he wanted Jeffren to go undercover and join his crew…

Taming the Dragon

Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Skooter Heetshooter

By: CPN Sports contributor Jeffren Froe

Wow, what an exciting sports event tonight in beautiful Coronet City! The Black Seraphs enjoyed home field advantage here at the Dragonbane Circuit, but it was not enough to claim the gold. Instead it was the Independent Droid Collective with the big upset, finishing first and taking home the grand prize. I spoke with Team IDC head coach 12-ZB and here’s what he had to say, “0000001 00000011 000000111 00001111!”

And there was much rejoicing.

Now for an exclusive insider’s look on how it all began, folks:

While Skooter was relaxing aboard the Crete Fang, looking up racy Weequay videos, he got a call from Teemo the Hutt’s personal assistant, inviting him to represent Teemo in an upcoming swoop race on Corellia. The protocol droid explained that his entry fee would be taken care of, and all he had to do was show up and compete. He was given coordinates for a spaceport and a name. Krohn.

Skooter set the navicomputer to Corelliiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Slick could still hear that infernal book calling to him. The Necronomigree vibrated in his hands. Begging. Tempting. But no, Slick had to get rid of it once and for all!!!!! By handing it to the droid. Problem solved….?

So Skooter, Slick, and FN-1K left their friends on the Wookieebane to seek out adventure on Corellia. Once they arrived, they headed to the cantina to try to find this Khron character. Instead, they were greeted by a bubbly southern belle named Sunny. Skooter was enchanted by Sunny’s enormous…. personality. She was his ideal woman. Nice, beautiful, unattainable….

Sunny revealed that she was the owner of the track, and said their drinks were on the house. Since Skooter thinks that every woman wants to fuck him, he assumed he was just that damn charming. Or maybe she was just trying to get him drunk for nefarious reasons. Then again, when he thought about it, he wondered if he was overanalyzing it all, which pushed him to drink more. It’s a sad, sad cycle. But he did manage to find out that Krohn could probably be found in the engineering pit.

So off they went to the engineering pit, where they saw various team banners over the different work stations and mechanics working diligently on custom swoop bikes. Then, they saw Teemo’s ginormous head sprawled across a banner.


Working on 5 rusty looking swoop bikes was a gran mechanic, Krohn. He told the group that their bikes could use a little more work, especially since this particular track was owned by the Black Seraphs, and was little more than a ruse. But FN-1K was a baller, so he offered Krohn some extra cash to really soup the bikes up.

And since Slick is such a charming young fellow, Krohn gave them the inside scoop on the race. According to him, the Black Seraphs owned the track, and were notorious cheaters. Ruh roh. The guys figured the only logical thing to do was to get on that sweet cheating train before it left the station!

They decided to infiltrate the Black Seraph race pit, sabotage their bikes and drug their racers. First things first, they had to get costumes. I mean… disguises. So they took a taxi to Larry’s costume shop and he had exactly what they were looking for.


For Skooter, the sexy mechanic.


FN-1K as the sexy nurse droid.

And then Slick, who really ruined the whole spirit of it and just put on a mustache.


A sexy mustache!

Gee, with costumes THAT convincing it’s amazing they didn’t get caught! Oh, except they did. Grinder, the head mechanic for the Black Seraphs saw right through their costumes, and not just because there was so little fabric, and I mean, christ, half of it was just lace! So FN-1K decides to just whip it out again. His wallet I mean. Lucky for the guys, Grinder here DOES take robot money and willingly accepted a bribe to look the other way.

Now that Grinder was gone, the guys went to work. There were three swoop bikes, one of which was obviously bigger and faster than the others (because it had bitchin’ ass flames on the sides) with the word Sunflare airbrushed across the front. Skooter knew this had to be Sunny’s bike. Just thinking about her sitting up on that hog made him whip out his tool. Unfortunately, it wasn’t right tool for the job, because just like when he’s with a woman he wasn’t sure which parts go where. So he compromised and drained some of the gas from the Sunflare. Good enough!

FN-1K was equally successful… in that he wasn’t successful at all. He injected the racers with the only drugs he had on him, death sticks. Luckily, they really only affect force users so they had no effect whatsoever. None at all. Unfortunatelyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

A small astromech droid rolled up to Dr. N1K. “What’s up bro? We’re from the Independent Droid Collective. We couldn’t help but notice from over there how symmetrical you are. Come over to our pit and share a cold one with us.”

The guys followed the droid over to the IDC area, where the droids all stopped what they were doing and came to see this new parallel stranger. Clearly, they were impressed with N1K, because they gave him a souped-up codonkulator for his swoop bike. They were also nice enough to let Skooter sift through their garbage, where he found the last remaining parts for his droid! Friendship is all well and good, but it was time to go back to being competitors. Skooter and FN-1K went back to Krohn to suit up.


Racers, on your mark! Ready, set…. A weequay in a string bikini sauntered up to the starting line waving a flag. The race was on.

Sunny and the Black Seraphs took an early lead, followed by Skooter and FN-1K. The first leg of the race was a straight away and provided few opportunities to overtake the other racers. But once they approached the Crystalline Forest, FN-1K got careless and clipped a tree log. Hmmm… it was almost like it swung out in front of him right as he was passing by… That’s weird. Anyway, the IDC racer took this opportunity to make a move and passed the Black Seraphs. Now, jockeying for the lead was Sunny.

Sunny and the droids!

Hey, guys! Let’s go and race together
Ridin on our swoop bikes in the Corellian weather
Who knows who will win tonight so… stick around!
You’re gonna hear the engines roarin’ makin’ lots of sound!

Say Skooter, N1K have you seen them yet?
Oh, but they’re not in the lead…
S-S-S-Sunny and the droids!

Oh, but the droids are symmetrical
Oh, and Sunny, she’s really keen.

She’s got a custom swoop, and a biker suit.
They left the forest that was Crystalline! Oh, no…
S-S-S-Sunny and the droids!

The next leg of the race passed through the dangerous Razor Fields, where the blades of grass are so thick and sharp, they could rip a body into pieces with a slight change in the wind! In an attempt to get past the Black Seraphs, Skooter miscalculated his approach and the bottom of his swoop grazed the razor grass below. Not to worry, though, it only took out his ejection system. That’s right. Skooter was now driving a coffin.

From the stands, where Slick was casually reading a newspaper, he noticed some shady figures off in the distance, standing on the track. He decided to go take a look. Soon he realized they were stacking rocks on the raceway. That’s ok, Slick is a natural charmer. I’m sure he’ll just walk over there, talk to these guys and get them back on the right path in lif—- wait? What? He just pulled out his blaster and started shooting? Ummm, ok! He knows these guys are gonna shoot back, right?

Lucky for Brad, one of the shady figures was standing right on the track, and got clobbered by a swoop bike. Now there was just one minion left. Which makes it even more embarrassing that he kicked Slick’s ass and he had to make a run for it. Well, back to the race.

After leaving the Razor Fields, the racers climbed a large incline that forced them into a bottleneck. This was the perfect time make a play for the lead! With zero piloting skills, FN-1K somehow managed to pass the Black Seraphs. Skooter and N1K kept their cool and continued their pursuit. But still in the lead…. S-S-S-Sunny and the droids! While fighting it out for first place, the droid’s swoop bike collided with the Sunflare and they both did a tailspin, giving the other racers time to catch up. But at the end of the bottleneck… was the drop.

That’s right, a hundred foot drop to the finish line below. But Sunny was a skilled pilot, so she revved up her engine to launch over it. Unfortunately she found herself in a moment of despair when swoop was somehow out of fuel. Uh oh. The Sunflare plummeted uselessly to the ground.

Virtually alone in the path to the finish line, the Droid pilot had victory in his sights. But SOMEONE was too goddamn useless in a fight to prevent those thugs from putting rocks on the raceway! So the droid pilot swerved but was unable to avoid the rocks and scraped the engine across them, bringing the swoop bike to a halt.

Now, back to the bottleneck, where Skooter and FN-1K were neck and neck with the Black Seraphs. As the path narrowed, the front of N1K’s swoop caught the back of the Black Seraph bike and sent it spiraling into the rocky wall, exploding into a huge fireball. FN-1K was overcome by his heroics and raised his arms high above his head, But he forgot to let go of the handle bars, and ripped them clean off. Shit. Lucky for N1K, it was a straight shot to the finish line. And the last of the racers launched into the long drop to the end.

But just as Skooter and FN-1K saw victory lying in front of them, blaster bolts came flying at them from behind. They turned to see Sunny, who had successfully ejected from her swoop at the last minute, swinging from a parachute, firing wildly at anyone on a swoop. Sunny’s shots connected with FN-1K’s bike, disabling the engine. She also managed to hit Skooter in the back, critically wounding him and knocking him off course. That’s right, all they had to do was drive straight ahead to win the race. But they couldn’t even do that. Just how incompetent are theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Somehow, N1K’s bike came to a stop right next to the IDC racer, who had just finished repairing his engine.

“Hey Bro. Please, continue this race on our behalf. Make our world parallel once again.”

And how could N1K say no to that? So he hopped on the IDC swoop bike and gunned it. Now it was just N1K and Skooter. Friend vs friend, Chiss vs Droid, Man vs Machine. Who will win this epic struggle?

It was a photo finish!

FN-1K somehow defied all odds and scored a win for the IDC. A group of celebrating droids grabbed him and hoisted him in the air. But the celebration was short lived as Sunny shouted from behind them, “You cheaters! This was supposed to be my victory!” Skooter tried to talk her down, but she came at him like a jilted lover and began firing her blasters.

The IDC droids were not about to let their hero be gunned down by an organic, so they selflessly charged at Sunny with their arcwelders. In the end, the tiny astromech droids managed to stun the Black Seraph leader, leaving her unconscious at their feet, errrrrr, wheels.

FN-1K stole her biker jacket, but not before she stole Skooter’s heart. He picked up her limp body and placed it in the Dragonbane cantina. He said a final goodbye with a tender kiss on her hand. And as far as we know, that’s all that happened. Wink

Down and Out in the Big Heap

Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Skooter Heetshooter

Not very long ago, and pretty close to Onderon’s atmospheric space, our “heroes” have just fucked up. In the course of 24 space hours these five borderline sociopaths have managed to piss off the Onderonian Planetary Forces, the Black Sun criminal organization, and the Galactic Empire. As they managed to horrible mangle the Kree-at Fang in a pathetic attempt to fend off Grekk they seem to be up shit’s creek without a paddle. Bradrus and Jeffren stumble out of the common area, suspiciously shirtless and carrying pacifiers and glowsticks. Why weren’t they able to help out during the dogfight? Oh, that’s right. Skooter also comes crawling out the cargo hold unsuspiciously holding an empty bottle of Correllian ale chanting some kind of Chiss religious mantra or something. All three of them find FN1K, Juice and Adria dragging blaster-riddled Trandoshan corpses around the wrecked Fang, basically making a mess of the place. Accusations were thrown around, but soon everyone coo-ooled out. Jeffren check the navicomputer to see if they could head somewhere to lay low. Only one planet in the system seemed good, Fillata. Juice, N1K and Adria decided to pile into the Wookiebane, they’re new (slightly destroyed) acquisition from Grekk and maintain watch over the two badly damaged ships surface side.

Making the trip there would be a little tricky, since Fillata was for lack of a better word, a shithole. The upper atmosphere was thick with orbiting debris, and communication to it’s surface was difficult at best. Jeffren had a lot of experience tweaking little knobs though, and was able to make radio contact. Local flight navs gave them a direct route through the debris, and the Kree-at Fang (and I assume also the Wookiebane?) was deftly maneuvered to the surface. Air quality readouts labeled a class 2 toxic environment, so a little better than Beijing. After landing, a figure waves them into the reception bay. Only having two envirosuits and one rebreather, Jeffren, Bradrus and Skooter draw the short straws and have to suit up and brave the harsh conditions to see if there’s some way to patch the ship up. Everyone else stays behind to see what they can do. Sure, that’s what happens. Why not. GM fiat.

When they get into the bay, they meet the guy they talked to on the radio. His name’s Alpeccans’aan’shiro. But they can just call him Alp. He seems like a pretty cool dude, and lets the gang know that Fillata ain’t so bad once you get over a few things:
· The planets a former mining colony and current rusting scavenging heap. Everything is toxic as shit and you can’t breathe the air without your lungs dissolving.

· There’s these things called radhounds that are mutated cat-wolves and will kill you on sight.

· There’s roving gangs of marauders in the wastes who will rob then kill you on sight.

· There’s a creepy ass family near town that will rape then rob then kill you on sight.

· Zeke can fix their ship.

So I mean, some good and some bad there. So they decide to go and talk to Zeke in the workshop. A shambling form comes out from behind a bunch of miscellaneous drive parts, and looks unimpressed by the motley crew. He explains he can fix their ship, but needs his fancy plasmetacine torch first. That dick Jebroham Zehprery borrowed it for some kind of scav score he claimed to have located, but never brought it back. Everyone knows where this is going… As they head for the door Zeke throws Bradrus a set of keys and says they can use Darla to head there, but they better not scratch her up. He seems pretty serious about.

The Three Queermigos step outside and head for the parking bay, where they see two stripped truck frames and one well apportioned one. Seems pretty sweet too: custom painted fairings, dewback leather seats, and to top it all off a twin-linked blaster turret. Noice! They crank her up and get rolling. It’s rough terrain over the wastelands of Fillata, but much like Skooter around booze, Darla’s suspension just soaks it up. On their way to the Zephrery Homestead, they come across a small shack that seems unoccupied. Strange shapes are carved in the sand and rock around it, and footsteps seem to go out into the irradiated, highly toxic desert that’s crawling with beasts and raiders and Space Christ knows what else. So-fucking-of-course Skooter wants to follow the footsteps. Bradrus says maybe we should just get the tool we need and get the fuck off this planet, and grudgingly everyone agrees. They mount up and continue to the Homestead. When they get there it’s got a very David Koresh feel to it. The windows of the compound seem to bolt themselves from the inside, and an old Weequay come outside gun pointing at them. He’s super pissed and thinks the idiots in the truck are Alp. Bradrus tries to calm the old coot down, but only marginally succeeds. Once it gets out who they are, another younger Weequay comes outside. He turns out to be Jebroham, and tells the gang that sure he had Zeke’s torch, but left it in Old Donwin when some radhounds chased him off before he could scav what he needed. Ugh, of course this will be harder than it needed to be… While heading back to Darla with a lead on the torch, someone spots a gloved hand drop something from a second story window into the dust. Bradrus winks to Skooter, who in turn nods to Jeffren. Skooter continues on to Darla an preps their ride for the road. Bradrus spins on his heel and makes all “Ohh yeah, one more question for ya, guys” and tries to chat up Pa Zephrery. Jeffren does his best attempt at sneaking over to the thing in the dust. His best attempt is shit-awful, and he’s clearly seen lurkin’ around in broad daylight. Pa sees him behind Bradrus, let’s out a “Git offa my prop’ty!” and blasts a round at Jeffren. The jig is up! Jeffren dashes for what turns out to be a letter in the dirt. Both he and Bradrus make it to Darla as Skooter peels out. Luckily Pa is a terrible shot so they make a clean getaway. Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ve all learned a valuable lesson and will never be in that position again. With some distance between them and the in-breds, Jeffren opens the letter and it appears to be an amorous ode to Alp from one Blannabelle Zephrery. He pockets the letter for later delivery, concealing the swollen erection he now has.

Pulling up to the outskirts of Old Donwin, everyone gets a bad feeling from the ghost town. So they ALL decide to leave the relative safety of the armored and armed vehicle to explore the site because they’re fucking stupid. Nothing turns up in the housing quarters, it’s been picked clean by scavvers long before they showed up. Rounding one of the processing tanks, they see where Jebroham started cutting one of the plates off. The torch lays in the dirt, circled by some weird tracks. Hefting the tools, Skooter says “Did you hear something?” as a pack of radhounds burst out and attacks! They manage to mangle the malevolent mangy monsters, but not before one of them clamps on to Skooter’s face. What a precise bite!


Skooter knoifes the bitch, but they hear howls rising from the bluffs surrounding the site. They make a run for Darla and once more book it before trouble catches up with them. Kinda making a habit of that, aren’t they? Skooter peers down the road and sees a few figures coming right at them at high speed. Jeffren swivels the turret around and Bradrus preps his blaster. Yeeeehaw, ridin’ shootin’ stereotypes are racing their way on some kick-ass swoop bikes!

“Cletus I’ma get there first, jus’ you wait an’ see!” shouts the first biker. He revs the throttle, rearing the bike up and splattering a burst off with his underslung cannon. Missing terrible and slinging rocks up, they smash into the undercarriage of his ride and smash the cannon off. He barely holds on while it shakes violently.

“Chet, you fuckin’ moron. This is how it’s done!” he hits the space nitrous on his handlebars and proceeds to lose control as the engine backfires, careening him off the road. Jeffren stifles a laugh and focuses his fire on the third biker, sensing that he has the most brain cells of the three and therefore is the biggest threat. He misses, but causes the rider to jink violently to miss his barrage. Skooter does his best to lose them, but the swoops are too fast and stay on them. Bradrus uses the chaos to draw a clean bead on the first biker. He hits the fuel tank, a direct shot that lunges the chassis into Darla, twisting the frame onto the fairings. What a precise shot!


For a brief yet eternal second Bradrus and Chet lock eyes a mere inches from each other. Behind the mirrored goggles shielding his retinas from Fillata’s scorching deserts, Chet’s eyes are wide and he is afraid. This, he thinks, must be what all of those poor people must have felt as he and his friends ran them down. Never again, he promises to himself and whatever higher power there may be in the galaxy, never will he hurt another living thing while I…


Bradrus casually blows Chet’s head off before unceremoniously kicking the wreckage of the swoop off Darla’s chassis. Chet’s mangled corpse careens wildly into the dirt, being crushed and pulped with the weight and speed of the swoop’s impact. Bradrus probably smirked and said something incredibly callous like “Guess he should have kept the training wheels on!” As a man died afraid and alone, he smiled.

Cletus screams as righteous rage fills him. He just watched his lifetime friend die, and he revs at full speed toward the “heroes” blasting ineffectually. Jeffren lines up with the turret and returns fire, probably filling Cletus’ now dead body with excessive blaster round after blaster round. The swoop fragments and explodes, but the third biker who’s lack of plot importance doesn’t even warrant a name uses the moment to space e-brake around the crew. They trade fire, but inexorably like the approach of night Jeffren cats him to terra firma with a torrent of fire. To further desecrate the corpses Skooter brings the truck to a halt. They jump out, Skooter picking over the mechanical remains of the swoops to salvage some repairs for Darla. Jeffren picking over the charred remains of the pilot because he has serious emotional problems. Bradrus probably smirked and said something like “I asked for well done, but this is ridiculous!” What a dick.

They patch up Darla and trundle back to Cuttersville to give the plasmetacine torch to Zeke. The slow their roll by the shack near the road, but again it looks like no one is home. When they get back to town, Zeke tells them the torch will make basic repairs, but to fix the structural damage to the Kree-at Fang it’ll take some Anxartal-Grade Ceramite Plates. Fuck typing that out again, so from now on we’re just gonna say space plates. Of goddamn course, guess who’s already snatch up all the shipworthy space plates nearby? The scavver gang Rustgutz Boys. Not mentioning the fact they just killed three members of that gang, they say fine, we’ll bring you the space plates. Over in the landing bay, Skooter decides to fix up an autodoc and trusts a hunk of shit like this to heal him.

Though, FN1K is a rusty hunk of shit and he heals everyone, so…

Somehow he doesn’t end up with space tetanus. Alp is given the letter from his sweetheart. He takes a few moments to himself, and pens a loving response that would make any woman swoon. He recruits the lads to make a secret deposit of the letter, so her Pa doesn’t find out and get them in trouble. He says he’ll put a good word in to Zeke if they help, and being self-serving bastards that’s the only part they care about so agree to do it. With a clear goal ahead, they mount up and head out. While on the way back to the Zephrery lands, they see a walking stick propped up against the shack they’ve been driving by all day. Curiosity gets the best of them, and Skooter and Bradrus hop out of the truck while Jeffren stands watch. They knock on the shack’s door, and a frantic voice demands to know who they are. Bradrus soothes him by commenting on his geometrical carvings, and this delights the man inside. He opens the door and welcomes them into his home. It stinks terribly inside, the geometric shapes and lines cover every inch of the dwelling. The Hermit continues his ravings about Bradrus seeing the “divine signs” and shit like that. He rushes to one of the many piles of debris and brings out a small tome. Handing it to Bradrus, he swells with zealous delight as he screams about the return of the masters, and Bradrus looks at the book and feels dread. It’s not-words speak to him. Inside him. Through him. The pages move when he is still. The book is both heavy and weighs nothing at the same time. It’s made from something, but not paper. Skooter breaks the moment by tapping his shoulder “Oi mate, you’re not falling for this crap, are you?” This incenses the Hermit, who flies into a rage at Skooter. Easily Bradrus restrains him and offers pliant words of Skooter’s ignorance to the master’s word. The Hermit calms, agreeing with Bradrus, and saying he must take his leave and commune with the masters. They step outside into the harsh sun, Skooter in the driver’s seat again, he starts the truck as Bradrus slowly climbs into the passenger seat. From the turret, Jeffren asks “Who the fuck was that?” Answering slowly, Bradrus replies “I don’t know.” and stares deeply at the only words in Basic crudely scrawled on the cover of the book: Necronomigree. Of the Hermit, there’s no trace as they drive off to the Zephrery’s.

Getting close to the property, they decide to come around the side and sneak their way in. It’s a solid idea until Skooter buries the front axle in a deep rut. Signing heavily, Bradrus and Jeffren dismount to make thier way to the walls of the compound and Skooter starts winching the truck out. Jeffren starts to climb the wall and whispers “Do you see anything?” Bradrus focuses deeply. Time and space begin to unravel. From his pack, he hears a piecing noise ringing in his skull


He can feel into great ether, sensing all things around him. His mind begins to unlock and fold in on itself rapidly and he feels the essence of his very being slipping away

Blood trickles from his nose, but he can’t feel it. He’s awash in the feelings and desires of others, numb with sensation and aching with the hollow echo of a dozen minds with a billion thoughts eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he will be consumed. He will be rapturous.

“Bradrus! Do you see anything?” Jeffren snaps at him. Suddenly his pupils dilate and he spews the exact location and state of awareness of every person in the compound.
“Huh. This’ll be easy then.” is Jeffren’s only response. He easily scales the fortification and lands on the other side. The drop point is clear: the outhouse on the other side of the woman’s housing. So he sneaks his way up, hugging the wall. Without checking if the coast is clear, he walks casually out, tripping loudly over some shit what was probably obvious to anyone paying attention. A clan member takin’ a piss nearby hears it, and an awkward standoff ensues. Jesus Space Christ, is there a worse spy in the galaxy? Lucky for Jeffren he somehow has extremely quick reflexes, and runs full speed at the guard, kicking him square in the balls. The guy screams in pain (while puking all over Jeffren’s leg) and the whole Zephrery clan comes a-hootin-and-a-hollerin.

“What the shit…uh, oi.” mutters Skooter as he finally manages to get Darla unstuck. He guns it for the compound walls. Bradrus, having finally regained his composure, times his jump right and lands in the truck. Inside, Jeffren makes a dash for the dropbox, slipping the sexy contents inside before also making a dive into Darla. The three jerkasses peel out as laser blasts ring all around them.

In the home stretch, the trio come up to Scavver’s Nest, where Rustgut and his proverbial Boys make camp inside of a derelict freighter. Two lazy guards are sitting outside the ramp leading up to the ship, minding their own business. Jeffren and Skooter sneak up to them. Skooter has one question for them. Jeffren chokes a bitch. Bradrus watches the entrance as Skooter slices the brake cables on the two swoops parked nearby. They head inside. It’s quite as they turn the first bend and come across a comms station. All of them are fucking stupid and can’t help computer, but they do jot down what looks like some manner of contact frequency. Bradrus breifly glances into the main room and deems that a suitable enough review before walking headlong into a bunch of scavvers. A fire fight breaks out, with literal fire breaking out at one point. But the The Triple Threat With A Lot Of Debt wins in the end, and even finds a space plate! They skulk around, find another space plate, and eventually come across Rustgut himself in his thrown room. He calls the Boys on them, and a close gun battle sees the other scavvers dead. Jeffren runs out of ammo and is laid low with a blast from Rustgut. Skooter runs up and buries his beloved knife deep into the scavver king, but his armor absorbs the blow and he cracks Skooter in the face with the back of his carbine. Outgunned and outnumbered, Rustgut makes a brake for it. Skooter gives chase as Bradrus stims Jeffren up. Jeffren whines about Bradrus using his stim, but Sell’s response is “Maybe take cover next time, idiot” and they run to catch up with Skooter.

Rustgut hops into a waiting scav truck, blasting off a lowered ramp into the Fatillan desert but not before waiting for Skooter to turn the corner and give him the finger. Outraged, Skooter jumps into the next truck, and the other two take their familiar positions before doing what only comes natural when faced with an obstacle in a kick ass truck. Landing on the other side and giving chase to Rustgut, Skooter looks in the rearview mirror and watches two dipshit scavvers jump on the tampered swoops and immediately crash into a wall. A fierce chase ensues, the turrets from each truck spitting hot laser death at each other. Rustgut is chuckin’ grenades like the’re credits at a stripper, but the crew stays tight on him. Bradrus uses a lucky brake to draw his blaster on the exposed axle. What another precise shot!


Rustgut’s truck careens slightly, then starts flipping end over end as the driver loses control. Shrapnel covers Darla, hitting Bradrus in the leg and badly damaging his blaster. Skooter brakes to a hard stop, then jumps out. Rustgut is alive, but badly bleeding and pinned under wreckage. Skooter reaches down, pulls his knife out, and then sucker punches the dying dude in the face before walking away. Rustgut’s response before the truck explodes is thus:


The boys make a brief return back to Scavver’s Nest for some fucking dumbass reason, steal a truck, wreck Darla again, and Jeffren tries to jump into the truck from the second story. It doesn’t go so great, but they make it out alright. Bradrus sees The Hermit on the road, has a space seizure, passes out on the gun and accidentally cuts him in two with laser rounds, but it’s ok because creepily the Hermit reconstitutes himself and keeps on waiving! So they drop off Darla, and the extra truck to use as parts and apologize for all the bullet holes in it. Zeke patches up the Fang pretty well, and everyone magically makes it back on the ship in time to leave the planet.

Don’t…don’t worry about that part. They just do.

Don't give him the stick!

Adria Montoya
Juice Dookdroppa

Hi, my name is Jeffren, and I’m addicted to death sticks.
As part of my 12 step program, I’m supposed to document any time I feel the urge to use. Today was one of those times.

There we were, at the scene of the crime. Twenty feet below us, a Rancor cub feasted on the bodies of our victims. In the corner sat 10 crates of evidence. That’s when we first heard the sirens. Shorrkam was visibly upset, yelling something about the cries of the beast.

Shorrkam’s Top Ten club hit.

Shorrkam warned us that the Iziz Security Force would swarm the area any second now, and then ran out the back door. I told Bradrus to split, and then to my own embarrassment, I used the moment of confusion to stash a handful of death sticks into my backpack before following Bradrus and the wookiee out the back door like a coward.

Keeping a level head, Adria and FN-1K decided that someone had to cover our tracks, so they went to work looking for a security camera system. They successfully navigated their way to the security cubicle and scrambled the video footage of the attack. The perfect crime! Just for good measure, Adria hit F5 before she exited the system, and after the page refreshed she learned an interesting bit of information… Juice Dookdroppa had a 10,000 credit bounty on his head!

While the others were dickin’ around in cyberspace, Juice thought he had a better idea. Since he was still wearing that stormtrooper armor, he decided he would try a little cosplay for the security chief.
Unfortunately, the security chief had seen an article on SomethingLawful.com that shed a light on the world of ‘stormies’ as they were called by people in the know. But he eventually followed Juice’s lead, and told his men to form a perimeter around the warehouse while the Empire conducted their investigation inside. Eventually, though, the ISF got antsy and demanded to speak to Juice’s supervisor. Running out of options, Juice said BRB LOLZ and hid inside with the others.

Surrounded on all sides by about 10 thousand angry security officers, it looked like there was only… one way out. Ruuuunning faggots running, couldn’t stop the carnage by getting folks a talkin’, instead of just a squawkin’, squawkin’ and a gawkin’, mockin’ and a rockin’, running free.

As the ISF teams started to move into the building, the group felt like they would be safer in the rancor pit, so they jumped down into the darkness. One particularly curious security officer looked down into the rancor pit, but lost his balance and fell to his death. His terrified friends were so freaked out, they closed up the pit to prevent any further mishaps.

See, the rancor puppy was hungry, so while the rancor was busy eating that poor ISF officer, the group make a dash down the dark path behind it.

Ruuuunning faggots running free, see the faggots, they fed a puppy, running faggots running freeeee.

Unfortunately their trip was cut short when they ran into the end of the rancor cage. Luckily Adria had a frag grenade on her, so they were able to blast a hole in it and escape into the beastmaster’s quarters. A single ladder in the corner of the room led to the surface and their certain freedom. Except for the voices they could hear coming from the surface.

Juice peaked out his head to try and get a look at what they were up against. Then he heard, “Look, this trooper found a trap door!” from one of the security chiefs. “Nice find, bro!”

Juice was quick on his feet and came up with the perfect plan…. He told them he found two innocent victims locked up inside the room below. And suddenly he regretted not putting more points into his social skills, because the security chief assigned three of his men to escort the supposed victims to their headquarters downtown for questioning and psych evaluations.

So the officers loaded up FN-1K and Adria into the back of a squad car and had Juice join them on the ride downtown. For some unknown reason, the officers didn’t think to search these strangers. Really bad foresight. I blame the GM.

Known for her inability to keep her weapon in her pants, Adria pulled out her blaster rifle and started shooting shit up*. Unfortunately, the back of a police car isn’t the roomiest place in the world, so her shots flew all over the place. Following her lead, FN-1K pulled out his weapon and started firing wildly in seemingly random directions while screaming at the top of his lungs. Apparently this was just as disturbing to the ISF as it was to his companions, because no could land a shot… Except for Juice**, who did the most logical thing he could think of and shot the driver in the head. Did I mention they were 100 feet in the air at this point? Yeah, well not anymore. They took a nosedive that threw everyone around and kept anyone from being able to keep their weapons aimed.

Somehow, Juice managed to grab the controls and pull them out of a nosedive with only a few feet to spare. After killing*** the last two security officers, they took a moment to exhale and decide on the most responsible coarse of action from here: Head back to the ship as quick as possible to get off this rock so that they didn’t have to face the consequences of their actions. But in a stolen police car with three incapacitated officers, they were riding dirty.

They made it back to the landing pad with the Krayt Fang, and for a second, they considered loading up that giant pile of evidence into the ship, but they eventually decided that it was a better idea to leave the giant pile of evidence sitting in the last known location of the ship.

Luckily Bradrus and Jeffren were waiting for them on the ship, but were more or less useless as they were coming down from their death stick highs, and Scooter was still passed out drunk. So now that the gang was back together again, they were off to see the lizard (Get it??? Lizard! Oh wait, you haven’t read that far yet….). Juice flew the Krayt Fang into the blue sky until it turned to black as they exited the atmosphere. It was about that moment that two blaster bolts flew past the cockpit. Vigilance checks!

An enemy gunboat was in hot pursuit of the Krayt Fang. Completely outgunned, the crew of the Krayt Fang decided their best chance at survival was to stay and fight. Eh… what? Yeah, I know. Both ships were nearly completely destroyed in a drawn-out slugfest. Finally, whoever or whatever was chasing the Krayt Fang managed to take out its engines. Instead of finishing them off, however, the enemy ship was feeling randy and came in for a little space docking.

Adria, Juice and FN-1K took up positions outside the docking hatch and waited for the intruders to arrive. As soon as the hatch flew open, blaster shots rattled down the narrow doorway. Grekk, the trandoshan bounty hunter, stepped through the door followed by four trandoshan henchmen. Clearly they were interested in taking their prize alive. Once the smoke cleared, there were five dead lizards on the floor. Oh, and an incapacitated FN-1K, but who cares about droids?

Even though they fucked up everything else they tried to accomplish, the gang was rewarded with a prize ship. But where would fate take them next? Hey, and what ever happened to those dead**** cops in the squad car parked outside the landing pad?

- * After setting her blaster to stun. Because it’s ok to shoot a cop as long as you only stun them.

- * * The #1 Stunna

- * * * Don’t taze me, bro!

- * * * * Sleeping. They were taking a nice long nap.

Give Him the Stick!
DON'T give him the stick!

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Juice Dookdroppa

Heyyyy there. Skootre heere. Juss…juss writin’…writin’…bouta.

Wait, wait, lemme ssstartr oer. Over.

We were jyuustt ffllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll—

Having attempted to test the limits of his Chiss physiology (Chysiology) with a bottle of Mandalorian tihaar, Skooter passed out at the computer console, leaving his open holojournal blinking on the screen. Before he’d passed out, however, he had mistakenly believed the group was headed toward the planet Fondor, and had set the navigational coordinates as such. Realizing that the trip from Nar Shadaa to her homeworld should have been much shorter, Adria marched into the storage hold only to find her crewmate drooling on the floor amidst a pile of droid parts. She kicked his unconscious body in the ribs, then added a crude drawing of a space dick to his journal.

“What?!” Chico yelled into his comlink, “…Bothawui? We’ve been heading in the complete opposite direction. We’ll run out of fuel days before we make it there.”

“Don’t blame me,” Adria’s voice barked back over the comlink. “Talk to your au-Chiss-tic drinking buddy back there.”

“When he wakes up, I’m gonna—Aw, shit!" The Krayt Fang was suddenly about to become part of an asteroid sandwhich. After some fancy flying, Chico quickly straightened the freighter out and began to discuss options with the crew. FN-1K re-upped his subscription to Galactic Geographic (mostly for the uncensored pictures of native Toydarians) and the gang decided to get their Onderon on. After landing in the Iziz spaceport they were greeted by a friendly Sullustan handing out drink coupons for the local cantina, the Beast Rider’s Hideout. While most of the crew accepted the discounts, Juice declined. Clearly, he would never indulge in the intake, purchase, or any other sort of association when it came to a controlled substance.

It wasn’t long before our heroes learned a few things about modern-day Onderon: that Inner Rim citizens don’t take kindly to furreigners, and that the gas prices are outrageous (Thanks, Palpatine). Chico and N1K headed to the cantina where for some reason they opted not to go see a Dewback Show with Onderon Ron. While Juice went to go scope out the city, Adria decided to check out the cantina as well in search of fast credits. There, using the local Space Racism as a good excuse to ignore the duo of Jeffren-1K, she met Jet Kennison, a smooth-talking spacer with an appetite for Bolt 45. Unfortunately for him, it does not work every time, as Adria managed to avoid his charms, though not his captive attention.

Shortly afterward, Slick arrived at the Hideout where any attempt to remain discreet was immediately thwarted by his drunken comrades. In spite of this setback, the group was able to ascertain a shocking rumor going around the spaceport: a big-time dealer in death sticks was on his way to Iziz, by the name of Juice Dookdroppa, and the Black Sun was looking to employ his services. Although the crew managed to keep their cool, they wondered…how could Juice have gotten such an illicit reputation?

An Academy Award-winning Imperial propaganda tape

Slick and Chico arranged to “locate” this Dookdroppa for Jaxor Vi’rai, who agreed to pay them a nominal finder’s fee. The two were about to gather FN-1K and leave when they noticed Adria unable to find an exit from Jet’s advances. N1K the Schizoid Droid tried could instigate the spacer with racist remarks, but Jet, used to the intolerance of Onderon (pretty much the Alabama of space) paid him no mind. Slick, however, was there to save the day and knocked Jet’s drink over with some nice wristwork. Free to flee, the group met with Juice back on the ship to inform him of the word on the streets.

Nursing a hangover, Skooter decided not to explore the intolerant planet and instead focused on trying to dig up some intel on Lieutenant Herkin. Nursing a missing hand, Mu Nanb was pretty much useless. The rest of the crew proceeded to the obvious set-up while Adria took up a strategic position amidst the rooftops of Iziz. Inside the cantina the crew met Jaxor and his thugs, including the intimidating Shorrkam. They took their business to a private room within the cantina, where Jaxor made them prove their willingness to get their hands dirty. Acting as an informed death stick dealer, Juice himself declined, but made his “subordinates” sample the goods. Both Slick and Chico ingested the drug, but only Chico felt the effects, as he had already downed a glass of Alderaanian champagne. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so lucky. Juice then agreed to turn over FN-1K as collateral until the deal went down. Seriously, what’s with these guys and their willingness to leave their friends in the hands of the enemy?

Adria again took up a strategic position on a rooftop while Juice (in stormtrooper armor), Chico, and Slick assaulted an innocent blue-collar trio of Aqualish and stole their space pallet jack to transport the shipment of illegal drugs. Crossing town, the trio managed to avoid a confrontation with a group of real stormtroopers by whistling inconspicuously as they passed. Once they reached the drop, Adria climbed down and joined them as they walked in through the mysterious front door. After a courteous greeting from the receptionist, they entered the main antechamber, where they were (probably not) surprised to find six rusty security droids, the menacing Shorrkam, Jaxor, and the man clearly in charge, Sedari Synnot. The good guys dropped the drugs off in the corner, and Shorrkam fetched their droid companion. He was functional, but dazed from a recent Wookie headbutt. Jaxor paid them their 7K creds, but before they could leave Synnot began to laugh nefariously. “Excellent,” said a smug-ass voice from the shadows. “You’ve managed to gather them all together in the same spot.” From the shadows stepped Agent “Red”, who tossed a fat stack of creds on Synnot’s fancy desk. Before they could register what happened, the floor began to move. Spider-senses tingling, the group managed to roll to safety…all except Chico, still dazed from the dose of death sticks. Falling on his ass at the bottom of the dark pit, he gathered his wits about him just in time to recognize the fierce snarl of…a goddamn rancor!

Lucky, FN-1K was somehow prepared for this situation with what previously seemed like useless accessory, a grappling hook. He shot his rope for Chico to pull just as everybody else started whipping out the big guns. Expecting his prey to be rancor food by now, Agent “Red” made a run for it once he saw they were prepared to defend themselves, but not before popping off a few shots with his blaster pistol. Shorrkam, by contrast, stood there and did nothing but glare. The old battle droids proved that they weren’t quite obsolete by blasting the shit out of basically everyone. Things were looking pretty grim. Finally, furious at his furry friend for failing to fight, Synnot took a potshot at Shorrkam. The Wookie roared in anger, then continued to stare angrily at his employer. Seizing upon this bizarre behavior, the group began to turn the tide their way. Dr. N1K was healing homies left and right. Adria went down, but didn’t go out. Juice and Slick began sending those rust buckets to droid hell, and Chico…almost fell back into the rancor pit. Laughing in spite at his companion, Juice lost concentration and did a faceplant, nearly falling into the pit himself. Ducking one of the Dookdroppa’s stray blaster bolts, however, Synnot cracked his head on his own fancy desk, disorienting him long enough for the two shipmates to get back to their feet. Shorrkam began to laugh as the group cornered the Black Sun Vigo, and in a hail of close-range blaster bolts the mob boss was no more. After everybody had cooled out, the Wookie explained that he had been morally opposed to the crime organization, but owed a sacred life debt to the dead Devaronian, preventing him from intentionally harming his master. Though he had protected Synnot in the past, the damage inflicted on Juice’s reputation was an insult to his strong Wookie sense of honor. In this battle, he could not not stand idly by.

The group thanked the Wookie for his laziness, gathered the credits from the table then walked out the front door. The gas was paid for, the crew made a decent stack of credits on top, the local crime syndicate was down a few members, and the 10 crates of death sticks…

Wait a minute, what happened to the drugs?

Seeing Red

Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Skooter Heetshooter

Space Log

Jeffren Froe

NAR SHADDAA – Apparently when we landed on the Smuggler’s Moon and Slick said, “I’ll stay here and protect the ship…” what he really meant was, “I’m gonna leave the ship unsupervised so that I can go get us all into trouble.” It all began when he received this message:

Hello friend. I’m contacting you because you’ve been a real asset to our organization in the past. Unfortunately I have another favor to ask of you. Don’t worry, you’ll be compensated. I can’t discuss the details of this operation in case this message has been tapped. Instead, you need to meet with one of our operatives at the Rimmer’s Rest cantina on Nar Shaddaa. Ask for Red.
For the Alliance!
Mu Nanb

Now, let’s pretend for a second that this message doesn’t look like obvious spam and pretend that Slick actually thought he was being invited to a top secret meeting with the Rebel Alliance (He totally did. He actually believed that.) So while the rest of us were taking care of business, he ran off to track down his new favorite color.

Meanwhile, in the refugee sector, Dr. N1K was patching up a few more refugees and Scooter was recovering from the ass-kicking he got from Herkin and Moxo. That’s when a group of six men stumbled into the emergency tent and claimed they were terribly sick, like many of the people in their village, because they live close to the contaminated sewer system deep in the core of Nar Shaddaa. After FN-1K prevented their imminent deaths, they pledged to follow him into the depths of the sewers to track down the source of this sickness. So off they went, N1K, Scooter, and six filthy villagers traveling through the sewers on a tiny raft. Hmmm… Some bats would do nicely here.

A small group of mynocks flew out of the darkness and one of them managed to attach itself to N1K’s head. Scooter pulled out his knife, saying, “Oi, I’ll handle this!” and ended up stabbing the droid in the head. Oops. Eventually they killed the last of the bats, but we’ll return to this episode of Dr. N1K and Scooter’s Wacky Adventures in just a moment.

Meanwhile, in the Red Light Sector, Slick found his way to the Rimmer’s Rest cantina. Outside, though, he found a Wookiee and Trandoshan in a heated argument. Naturally, he figured he could solve centuries of conflict by asking, “Hey, can’t we all just get along?” But it actually worked… kinda. The Trandoshan agreed to back down, so Slick hit up the Wookiee for more information as they all walked back inside the bar.

Apparently he wasn’t the only loser here looking for this mysterious Red character. The female Nautolan bartender said people had been coming in all day asking for Red, including the Ithorian sitting next to Slick at the bar. But she seemed to be holding something back.

The Ithorian introduced himself as Ondo Baat and later revealed that he was also rebel informant. Apparently he got the same message as Slick, and while he was staked out at the bar, he witnessed someone come down through the elevator, collect patrons at the bar, and bring them upstairs somewhere. Ondo questioned whether this was connected to the Red situation.

Slick went back to chatting up the bartender (maybe he’s into that whole octopus-head thing), and was seemingly making progress when a blaster bolt whizzed past his head and killed her right before she revealed what she really knew. It was the Trandoshan. The Wookiee pulled out his blaster and returned fire. Slick figured he better jump in and help murder this stranger he knew next to nothing nothing about, but it didn’t matter.

Shortly after the Trandoshan gunned down the Wookiee, a human came out of the back area with a scattergun and fired it up at the ceiling. “Grekk, hold your fire!! He’s one of us.” And gestured to Slick. “Now get out of here before I kill you myself.” The Trandoshan growled and scrambled out the door. “Thanks for coming on such short notice,” the human said, “ I’m Agent Red.”

Agent Red took Slick past the bar, to enter his back door. They went all the way up the long shaft of the elevator, only stopping when they reached the tip top. When they emerged from that tight box, Slick was panting with anticipation. All around them were recording devices, maps, and technicians glued to computer screens. This was is what Slick’s wildest dreams were made of. This was some kind of listening post.

But Agent Red was packing a real surprise for Slick, something he could only show him when they were alone. So Red took him to a door in the back of the room. Slick’s heart was beating, he was ready to burst, so he came… through the door. There were five men waiting for him inside. The biggest, burliest man grabbed his abnormally large weapon and waved it around at Slick.

“On your knees you rebel scum!”

Whoa! What just happened? Eh, nevermind. Sorry, where was I? I got a little distracted. Oh, yeah… So N1K and Scooter had 2 tickets to the Ooze Cruize, and they were looking for the source of this crazy sewer sickness.

They decided to play it safe and take the beaten path, where they spotted a man being attacked by mynocks. Luckily, they were able to pick a few of them off before they were lured by the power from N1K’s battery unit. Flailing around like a man with bats attached to his body, N1K somehow avoided taking any friendly fire as the villagers took out a few more mynocks. Even Scooter managed to cut one off. Way to use that knife, buddy!

Dr. N1K took a look at the man they just tried to save. He was mortally wounded, but they did manage to get some information out of him first. He said he was the beast handler for a local crime lord, Gravo the Hutt. The animals have been getting sick in their cages. To keep it from spreading, the Hutt ordered any sick animals to be released into the sewers.

FN1K knew that if he could get a blood sample from an infected beast, he could turn it into an antidote. So now their mission was obvious. Break into a Hutt compound, find a rabid beast and ask it for some blood. What could go wrong?

So they followed the path through the sewers that would lead them right into the beast pens. Only one problem… N1K scanned the cages and found that the only beast that tested positive for the virus was a hulking ass gundark. After a foolish attempt to stab it with a syringe through the bars on its cage, N1K gave in and decided the only solution was to kill it.

Now logically, they could have easily just shot at it from a safe distance outside the cage… But apparently all that Intelligence FN-1K units have is better spent on medical knowledge than logic. So they opened the cage. I guess because this virus works like vampires or something where if you kill the one that started it all, the rest go away.

The beast came roaring out, hurling itself at N1K. With one mighty swipe he knocked the droid on his ass. Using this opportunity, Scooter pulled out his knife and stabbed at the behemoth’s back. Scooter still swears he heard it chuckle at him when his knife bounced harmlessly off its thick flesh. Instead, the gundark turned his attention to the Chiss. When the gundark swung high, Scooter ducked under its claws and leaped onto its back. The distraction opened the beast up to multiple blaster shots from N1K and his villager minions. Scooter yelled “Laugh at this!” as he plunged his vibroknife deep into the back of the gundark’s neck.

So, finally, FN1K was able to draw the blood he needed, and they returned to the village with the antidote. Although the villagers were thankful, they were, ya know, living in the sewers. But they did let Scooter look through their trash for droid parts. Though unsurprisingly, he was too drunk to find anything. And they scrounged together a minimal amount of credits to offer their heroes. Their children had nothing to eat that night.


Oh wait, there’s more! So Slick finally realized that he was led into a trap. They wasted no time putting him in a cell. That’s when he saw his good pal Mu Nanb locked up in a force cage. He was bruised and bloody, but still conscious. He told Brad that he was careless and got caught by Imperial Intelligence. They took his datapad and sent out a generic message to all of his contacts, hoping they could draw them out of hiding. He said they had been torturing him for information, but so far he was able to resist them.

Their conversation was interrupted by Gary the guard. He came over to taunt them, and Slick thought he could talk his way out of this one. He pleaded with the guard to let him go. Instead, the guard reached through the bars of his cell and shoved him to the ground. Laughing, he turned around to taunt Mu Nanb. The keys attached to his belt glistened in the dim light of the cell block. And Slick knew this was the last chance he had at freedom.

Now this is the part of the story that gets a little shady. Slick claims he just closed his eyes and stretched out with his sadness or something and the keys magically flew across the room into his hands. Yeah. That’s it. Well, whatever the case, he got out of his cell and Mu Nanb told him that it was possible the force cage could be turned off from the control tower on the roof.

With his newly found freedom, Slick found his gear and a blaster rifle in the next room. He immediately dialed me up on his commlink and told use where we could find him—on top of the tower at the Rimmer’s Rest Cantina. Then he decided to go back and leave the rifle next to Mu Nanb’s cage. While he was setting the blaster down, however, the door opened at the end of the hall and a guard slowly walked toward them. Slick made up some lie for Mu Nanb to tell the guard when he found the empty jail cell, and hid behind the force cage. Luckily Mu Nanb must have taken acting classes or something because he remembered his lines perfectly and the guard ran off to alert his friends. Slick used the opportunity to sneak his way up the stairs to the roof.

On the roof, Slick snuck his way up to the control tower and managed to take out the two technicians inside. He even found a computer spike on one of their corpses. He was left with a choice, though. Once he gained access to the system, he realized he was in way over his head with this computer stuff. He had the difficult decision of either using the computer spike to free Mu Nanb from his force cage… or access a file labeled CLASSIFIED.

At least he would have had a difficult decision if he was anyone other than Slick, because Space-Christ, the guy pisses lightside points. So he decided to free his friend rather than take the mystery box. Also he triggered the alarm systems. So he had to fight off a few guards and hope his friend could blast his way up to the roof. Which he did; a few seconds later. And chasing behind him was Agent Red with two squads of stormtroopers!

Stuck on the roof with nowhere to run, things were looking desperate for our rebel friends. They had both suffered critical injuries and they wouldn’t be able to last much longer against firepower of that magnitude…..


The blaster cannons of the Krayt Fang shredded the first group of stormtroopers as the incredibly skilled (and dashingly handsome) pilot brought the medium freighter to a hover over the landing pad and dropped the boarding ramp. With their escape route in sight, Slick and Mu Nanb made a desperate dash toward the ship while Juice laid down a hail of covering fire.

When Slick reached the boarding ramp, he turned around to see his Sullustan friend was no longer right behind him. He had been knocked down by the blaster fire. Slick ran back, through his arm over his shoulder and dragged him back to the ship. As he threw him down onto the boarding ramp and climbed into the ship behind him, he made a horrifying discovering. That last shot had nearly blown Mu Nanb’s hand completely off. He was maimed, but they were both finally safe. The ship rocked back as the master pilot increased thrust and flew off into the sunset… He really saved the day, huh?

Mistaken Identity

Adria Montoya
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Juice Dookdroppa
Prata’ri Rackus
Skooter Heetshooter

Having arrived at the moon of Nar Shaddaa, Adria receives a message from the caretaker of Utri Me’Lya, a Bothan who fled to the Smuggler’s Moon from her homeworld of Bothawui. The voice begs Adria to hurry to Utri in the Refugee Sector, as she is very ill and hasn’t much time left.

Meanwhile, Jeffren also gets a message from his boss at CPN letting him know that all the folks back home on Corellia are enjoying the story he sent back about the person-hunting on Rodia, and they’re thrilled to know that a fellow Corellian helped to shut it down. The boss tells Jeffren he wants him to follow up on the story—and interview the Corellian responsible. “But boss,” Jeffren begins, “it was actually m—”. The boss interrupts and tells Jeffren that he’s heard the Corellian responsible is in the Corellian sector of Nar Shaddaa, hanging out at a bar called The Burning Deck, and he wants Jeffren to track him down and get more of the story from him.

Ultimately, The Krayt Fang is cleared for landing on the moon, and they are joined by Prata’ri Rackus in his newly acquired fighter, the Blade’s Edge. Rackus has no problem landing and heading into the spaceport; the crew of the Krayt Fang isn’t so lucky. As soon as they land, they are met by an arms dealer and his gang of Aqualish thugs. The arms dealer, Mat’tel Kenner, fires a warning shot at the ship’s entrance ramp and demands to meet with…Twerx? Wait, didn’t we kill that g—oh right. Anyway, Juice steps off and talks with Mat’tel. He explains that Twerx is no longer the owner of this ship, or a functioning pair of lungs. Kenner is angry because Twerx never fully paid for this ship, and it doesn’t appear that the new crew is going to be able to cover the diference.

He does, however, need a problem that needs dealing with, and offers to overlook the crew’s suddenly-acquired debt if they’ll assist him. He explains that Toyb, a brilliant Sullustan mechanic in the old Duros Sector, has a droid of his that he was supposed to fix before it was sold. The problem is that Toyb is now refusing to return it, and the buyer is on his way. Kenner explains that if the crew of the Krayt Fang will go and talk Toyb into returning the droid, he will consider their debt paid and allow them to continue on their way. Juice, having no other option, agrees to the deal, and the group decides to split up, with Juice and Rackus heading to the old Duros Sector, Adria and FN-1K traveling to the Refugee Sector, and Jeffren and Skooter going to the Corellian sector to track down the Corellian imposter (and also drink, let’s not kid ourselves).

Juice and Rackus arrive in the old Duros Sector by speeder taxi, and find that the area seems mostly run-down and abandoned, with the exception of Toyb’s shop, which appears to be quite well maintained. They approach the front door, and when Toyb asks who they are and what they want, Juice explains that they’re there on behalf of Mat’tel Kenner. Toyb reacts defensively, telling the strangers to leave since he already told Kenner the deal was off. Juice, not satisfied, decides to have Rackus try to hack the intercom panel next to the door to open it. He’s not successful, but it’s clear Toyb is aware of their attempts, since across the street a door opens and 3 antiquated battle droids step out and make their way toward the two. Juice dispatches them quickly while Rackus keeps working on the door.
Once the droids are down, though, Toyb addresses them again, and offers to let them in so he doesn’t lose any more droids trying to drive them off. The pair agree to relinquish their weapons as they enter, and soon find themselves inside Toyb’s droid repair shop, with Toyb standing behind the counter in front of them and two security droids covering the door behind them. Toyb explains again that he will not return Mat’tel Kenner’s droid, and Juice asks why a protocol droid is worth so much trouble. Toyb reveals that what Kenner brought him is no protocol droid, but an assassin droid, and he could not, in good conscience, repair such a dangerous droid and then put it in the hands of someone who might use it to harm someone. Also, he removed the assassination protocols and wiped the droid’s memory and processor immediately after Kenner left,. so if he were to give it back, Kenner would obviously know what Toyb had done and would come after him anyway. After trying to work out some kind of solution to this, Juice offers to lure Mat’tel back to the shop and personally defend Toyb and his shop if there’s trouble.

Meanwhile, Adria and FN-1K head to the Refugee Sector to get in touch with Utri Me’Lya, a former resident of her home village. The caretaker who sent for Adria explains that Utri is very weak and doesn’t have much time left. FN-1K does what he can to ease Utri’s pain so that she is able to speak with Adria. She struggles to tell Adria what she remembers about her family’s disappearance, explaining that “Zuul” was what the Imperial Sergeant called the alleged Rebel sympathizer that Adria’s family has sheltered when he arrived. Furthermore, she said that this “Zuul” appeared to have been working with the Empire to have the village raided. Utri then went to to explain that she had tried to track down those responsible for the raid, but had foolishly tried to search for the names of Imperial personnel who had arrived at the spaceport, not realizing that information like that would have been altered or removed. She instructs Adria to return to her homeworld of Bothawui and search the spaceport records for the name of the ship that arrived on the day of the raid in order to try and track them down. Then, with her dying breath, she reveals the next step as a cryptic single word: “Fondor”.

Adria plans to return to the ship to ponder the meaning of this last word, and FN-1K decides to remain in the sector to treat the many ill residents. On her way back to the ship, Adria is attacked by a pair of desperate thugs, but manages to put them down with relative ease. Hey, weren’t there two other people involved in this story? Oh yeah…

Jeffren and Skooter arrive in the Corellian Sector and head towards The Burning Deck to track down the mysterious contact claiming responsibility for freeing prisoners on Rodia. Once inside, they notice someone on the far side of the building surrounded by what seem to be admirers. As they approach, he seems to notice them as well, and quickly takes off running through the cantina’s rear exit. Jeffren and Skooter follow him, but Jeffren trips over some trash cans and falls in the back alley. Skooter is unwilling to ditch his friend, so he gives up the chase and helps Jeffren to his feet, and they head back inside to ask questions about the mysterious stranger. The drunks who make up most of the crowd aren’t particularly helpful, so the two decide to leave and see if they can gather more information on the street. Halfway to another bar, they are attacked from above by someone with a blaster rifle. Skooter is hit and injured, but Jeffren manages to dodge the incoming shots and make his way up a ladder to the rooftop where the shooter is positioned. Once there, he discovers the culprit: Moxo Oonta, the Rodian behind the humanoid hunts on Rodia. He fires a few shots at Jeffren, but after Jeffren wounds him, Moxo takes off running. He leaps off the rooftop to another building, then another, all with Jeffren in pursuit. Jeffren can’t keep up, though, and Moxo manages to get away.

As Jeffren climbs down rom the top of the building, he runs into another familiar face. This time it’s Renn, the Corellian they met on Rodia. Renn expresses relief at having found Jeffren, and explains that he needs his help in escaping from Nar Shaddaa. According to Renn, Moxo turned on the other hunters when he discovered his prisoners had been released, believing that one or all of them had assisted in freeing them. Renn claimed that Moxo’s sister Plateena Oonta had helped him get to his ship and flee the planet, but Moxo tracked him down and had followed him here. Jeffren wasn’t sure what to think of the story, but when Skooter caught up with them, he immediately drew his knife and attacked Renn, pinning him to the wall. Renn remained perfectly calm, however, and casually told Skooter to lower his weapon, gesturing to his right, where Moxo stood with his blaster rifle fixed on Jeffren. Renn then introduced himself to Jeffren as Lieutenant Herkin and told him that they’d be merciful if Jeffren would lower his weapon and reveal the name and location of their ship. Jeffren complied, and Herkin told Moxo to go ahead and fire.

Jeffren quickly drew his holdout blaster and shot Moxo, allowing enough of a distraction for Skooter to make his move on Herkin. Unfortunately, Skooter’s injuries had slowed him, and he ended up punching the wall behind his target. Jeffren’s shot at Moxo had done plenty of damage, so when Herkin saw that Moxo was fleeing to a speeder bike, he decided to take off running as well. Skooter grabbed his knife and followed, but realized that his wounds would make fighting Herkin too risky, so he grudgingly gave up the chase and returned to Jeffren. They then got in touch with the rest of the crew, and planned their next move. Jeffren and Adria headed to the old Duros Sector to meet up with Juice and Rackus, while Skooter traveled to the Refugee Sector to get medical attention from FN-1K, who was still treating the impoverished residents there.

Jeffren and Adria both arrived at Toyb’s shop, and together with Juice and Rackus they made a plan. Jeffren and Adria each staked out firing positions in buildings across from the shop, Juice used the door of the shop as a barricade, and Rackus remained inside the shop with Toyb so that they could operate Toyb’s droids for defense. Once they were set up, Mat’tel arrived with some of his men: 2 pairs of Aqualish and Gamorrean thugs, as well as the person who was supposed to be buying the droid from Mat’tel when he got it back from Toyb.

Mat’tel wanted to know where the droid was, and Juice informed him that the deal was off and that he should just quit and leave Toyb alone. Mat’tel wasn’t having it, and neither was the buyer, so they immediately drew their weapons and went to work. Juice put down the Aqualish thugs with ease, along with Mat’tel, but the Gamorreans closed in and LAID DOWN A BEATING. Unfortunately, neither Adria nor Jeffren were able to stop them as they wailed on Juice with their vibro-axes. However, Toyb’s security droids showed up and stun-blasted the Gamorreans into submission. The only person left was the droid buyer, who gave up when he saw that he was outnumbered. He revealed that his name was Gil Kilaeon, and claimed he was trying to purchase an assassin droid for security purposes. Jeffren thought this sounded plausible, so they agreed to let Kilaeon go as long as he promised to leave Toyb alone. Toyb thanked the group profusely for their assistance, and the crew returned to the spaceport to meet up with Skooter and FN-1K.

Once everyone was gathered at the spaceport, they remembered that Mat’tel had ordered docking clamps to be attached to their ship, so they needed to find a way to get spaceport security to remove them. The spaceport security officer was unwilling to hear them out without talking to Mat’tel Kenner first, so FN-1K went droid crazy and fired a shot into the air. This obviously freaked out the others in the security area, and they drew their weapons and proceeded to defend themselves. Eventually, only the Comm Operator was left standing, and rather than risk ending up a corpse (or a cripple like the security officer), he removed the docking clamps to let the Krayt Fang take off. All in all, it was a fairly productive Sunday.


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