Dickin' Around In Space

Target Half-Assed

Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Skooter Heetshooter

Ugh, what? I have to tell you what happened this week? Fuckin’ fine. So that guy Bradrus was on the Kreeeeeaaaaaat Fang and was alseep or some shit for like a week, but woke up and started stumbling around the hold jabbing at various buttons and basically failing to perform everyday tasks like “turn on comlink,” “turn on lights,” and “breathe regularly.”

I guess Adria and Juice (who was still carrying the packed up and shut down FN-1K on his back) headed over to the Wookiebane to leave this shit hole Correllia. Skooter was creepin; around the Imperial landing bay after repeatedly stabbing Lieutenant Herkin to death. He easily locates a map and turns a corner just in time to stumble into Jeffren, who he himself had just left the scene of a multiple-homicide in a stolen fucking smuggler’s ship. Wow, you say, a vehicle of a known criminal and wanted murderer parked in a MILITARY FACILITY?! What could ever go wrong? Seems like a good plan to that jackass Jeffren because he walked away whistling awkwardly after telling the ground crew he was Dick Nasty. Phhht, don’t worry, it’ll work out in the end.

So after kissing each other or whatever they both come across an Imperial patrol. First they try to crawl into the ventilation shaft to avoid them, but it almost tragically ends right next to the two troopers watching the exit. Jeffren stealthily exits the shaft, obviously having plenty of background work with them, and plays dumb to the guards. Skooter sees his chance but thinks zippers are for nerds and lets his knoife slip out of his pocket. It goes clanking onto the ground but Jeffren successfully distracts the grunts into chasing down a mysterious noise down the hall. Using the distraction, they slip away from the facility.

Back on the ship, Bradrus eventually learns basic motor control and switches on the external cameras. He sees an unidentified individual chilling on a crate outside the ship. He calls Jeffren and gives him the heads up, but continues to cower on the ship.

So Jeffren and Skooter make it to the docking bay where the Fang is, and are greeted by someone identifying themselves as Vorland Kesh. He says he’s a bounty hunter out for them and they come come peacefully or in pieces. Hahaha, gallows humor. Jeffren tries to get cute and say “Wha? Me? Surely you want Juice!” but Kesh shows them a video recording of the entire gang stealing 10,000 credits from a Black Sun vigo and then making a run for it.

Oh yeah, that happened.

Anyway, as a show of force all of Kesh’s buddies deactivate their stealth fields, revealing that the group is surrounded. Bradrus thinking he’s a big man open’s the Fang’s ramp and comes out to help. Behind him, one of the hunters decloaks and slams the ramp shut, sealing their one way of escape. So a gun fight breaks out, which was pretty procedural except for the fact Skooter got slide-tackled by a dude with a jetpack and then tangled into a pretty cool knife fight with him. He was even classy and left two credits on his body “for the ferryman” because hey if you’re going to be a serial killer at least do it with some standards. Oh, and Vorland Kesh? Well as he saw his support minions get shot to shit he decided the pay off wasn’t worth it and Jet Packed The Fuck Out. While giving everyone the space finger.

Bodies littered the landing bay and somehow Skooter and Bradrus got back into the Kreeeeat Fang and took off. But the there was still and stealthed hunter in there so I hope that doesn’t come back and bite them in the ass…?

Jeffren gets a comlink message from an Imperial authority figure that they want to question the owner of the Winning Hand. Because Mr. Fro was born without the human gene to read foreshadowing he casually strolled down into the Imperial facility.

(Ext. Imperial Facility, our hero JEFFREN FRO has been called upon by the local magistrate to report for a crime he hath not committed)

Jeffren: Oh, what a fate hath befallen me that I, in the spring of my youth, shall be set upon such villiany at each turn. Lo, unkind Fates, do thy see me as a plaything? If thy do, are thy Fates at least hot?

Stormtrooper 1: (raising rifles to Jeffren) What ho! Hold and be fleeced! State thy name and intent on this ruinous day, knave!

Stormtrooper 2: Zounds! Thou art Dick Nasty!

Jeffren: Kind sirs, I doth protest! Look upon mine identification, constables, and verily see I am not this Dick Nasty you so much wish to obtain!

Narrator: And lo did a smug look creep acros’t his face as his parchments were produced from his waistcoat.

Stormtrooper 1: Tut tut! Is true, yet eegads! Art thou not thine scribe that quilted many a poisoned barb against our beloved Emperor!

Stormtrooper 2.: (interjecting) Aye, tis true, and curse upon curses shall he be taken for such offenses! Slander and lies, slander and lies! (he spits upon the ground)

Jeffren: …Fuck.

Narrator: (sarcastically) So Jeffren was taken into Imperial custody for being criminally stupid.

(End Scene)


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