Dickin' Around In Space

Over a Black Moon

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
FN-1K
Juice Dookdroppa
Skooter Heetshooter

After ruining Teemo’s surprise birthday party, the gang was summoned to Jeffa the Hutt’s floating palace above the Smuggler’s Moon of Nar Shaddaa to learn the truth about the situation. It turns out Jeffa the Hutt actually IS planning to kill his little brother Teemo after all. Well, kind of.

See, Jeffa is still loyal to the Empire, and as such he was able to catch wind of a plot to kill Teemo for turning his back on the Imperials and selling weapons to the Rebel Alliance, but Jeffa didn’t want his brother to die because of family loyalty so he designed a plan to assassinate his brother with the intention of foiling it, but not himself, which is why he wants to hire a strike team to prevent the assassination from succeeding, the plot which he himself designed, thereby preventing his little brother’s death and still maintaining the appearance of loyalty to the Empire so that they wouldn’t try to kill him as well.

You know what, fuck it, here’s a diagram.

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Oh, and that’s the plan for next week. For now he just wanted the guys to go pick up Teemo’s birthday present from a pet shop down on Nar Shaddaa. And since they were so helpful to Teemo, the Hutts arranged a once in a lifetime opportunity to erase the bounty on Juice Dookdroppa’s head. All they had to do was talk to Vigo Salin Vikes.

So now that the boring set up for the scenario has been worked out, let’s get down to the meat and two potatoes.

First up was Gravo’s Pet Shop. Whoa… I just had déjà vu. Anyway, they walked inside and were greeted by Gravo, who seemed overjoyed to have customers in his store. But when they asked to pick up the baby rancor for Jeffa, Gravo apologized and said his computer systems have really been acting up for some reason because it said that Jeffa had ordered a Dewback. In fact, there seems to have been a mix-up, and Jeffa’s baby rancor was mistakenly delivered to someone else earlier that morning. His computer probably had a virus or something.

Gravo called up his lone employee, Leila, and asked her to assist in correcting the mix-up. According to the delivery report, the baby rancor was delivered to someone named Onderon Ron for a show at The Cockpit. Wow, I just had déjà vu all over again. Anyway, the gang reluctantly made their way to The Cockpit to try and tame the beast… also to pick up the baby rancor.

Upon walking into the Cockpit, the first thing one will notice is the stench. And yet today, there was a particularly offensive scent coming from the main stage. See, the half-naked man flailing around in front of his adoring fans was Onderon Ron, and his famed “Dewback Shows” were the feature performance of the night. The players watched in horror as a giant gift-wrapped box was rolled on stage. They, unlike Ron, were keenly aware of what surprise awaited him underneath.

At first they tried shouting to him, but in a noisy club like The Cockpit, no one can hear you scream. Slick tried a new approach, and told the DJ to stop the music. As it turns out, “There’s a dangerous animal on stage!” was not exactly new to the audience of a Dewback show.

Time was running out. Ron grabbed the ribbon of the package, wrapped it around his neck and slowly started unraveling the bright red bow. Thinking on his feet, but not with his brain (we hope), Skooter jumped on stage and tried to distract Ron by joining him in a suggestive dance. Juice grabbed one of the tranq darts and threw it at him, but he was feeling too aroused to concentrate and missed. Leila pulled out a knife, thinking someone had to face this challenge head on, grabbed a knife and cut the ribbon.

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Juice decided to take a more direct approach.

He pulled out ‘Thunderfucker’ and blasted the speakers out. Please, if you’ve been listening to the mood music I provided you, turn it off now. Better yet, if you have a gun, pull it out and shoot the speakers.

Now I don’t know how most people would react to someone whipping out a giant-ass weapon and firing it in the air, but this crowd was full of pussies (well, dicks), so they started screaming and running for their life, trampling over each other as they scrambled for the exits. Well the good news was they finally got Ron’s attention and managed to transport the rancor to the safety of Jeffa’s palace.

Now, to see what we can do about this 15,000 credit bounty on Juice Dookdroppa’s head. The gang headed off to meet with the local Black Sun Vigo, Salin Vikes. The Vigo pulled out a datapad and showed it as proof that the bounty had already been removed from the Holonet. Wow, what a nice guy! That was easy.

Wait, hang on…. Ok, so it turns out it’s not quite that simple. In exchange for the removal of the bounty, Juice had to collect on a bounty of his own. His target was Jilla Waldas, D.O.A. She was the daughter of a Senator from the Corellian Sector, and was vacationing at the nearby Baala Resort. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it was also an open bounty, so if anyone else managed to collect on it first, the deal was off. So the time came to holla at the Baala.

Luckily, their new friend Leila was totally open to exploiting her recently deceased family’s status for her own personal gain. See, it turns out she comes from Alderaanian Royalty and Leila could actually be a princess, or a kind of ‘Princess Leila’ if you will. Wow, someone should totally write a story based on that very concept!

Anyway, Leila made up some story for the receptionist about how her room was in a state of disrepair and demanded to speak to a manager. While the receptionist went off to find one, Adria hacked into the computer system and found out which room the Waldas family was staying in.

Armed with the room number, and, ya know, lots of weapons and armor… everyone casually took the elevator up to the 12th floor of the glamorous five star resort.

Unfortunately, the room was guarded by two secret service agents.

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No. Slick stepped forward to prevent a bloodbath. It turns out Leila wasn’t the only one with important parents. Slick has powers.

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POLITICAL POWERS!

So the fortunate son strolled up to the secret service agents and explained he was on a diplomatic mission and needed to meet with the Senator. The ruse worked, and Senator Waldas agreed to hear him out. Slick explained that the Black Sun had a bounty out on his daughter, and the Senator begged them to keep her safe. Unfortunately for our heroes, the Senator’s daughter was in another castle. At the pool on the first level to be exact. But Slick had a glint in his eye…. In that he caught the glare of a rival bounty hunter’s weapon protruding from a window across the street.

Always quick on the draw (and usually way, way too quick), FN-1K instinctively pulled out his climbing gear and fired it across the alley to the window with the bounty hunter. Then, with no regard to his personal safety, the droid jumped out of the window and latched onto the cable. Aaaaaaaan then the cable snapped, sending N1K tumbling down 12 stories and onto his ass.

Then one by one, like lemmings, they tumbled out the window. First Juice, then Skooter, followed by Adria. They each tried to rappel down the side of the building and ultimately failed, but look on the bright side: They made it to the pool! Certainly faster than Leila and Slick.

They made it poolside just in time to see a man in laminate armor forcefully loading a teenage girl into the back of his airspeeder. Juice wasn’t gonna let him get away, so he pulled out his big-ass gun, aimed it at the…. Wait, he threw a tranq dart?

Wow, that was unexpected. Especially because he managed to hit him! But in a moment of despair, the bounty hunter passed out on the controls, and the hover car became a falling car as it went over the edge, plummeting to certain death.

Luckily Adria spotted another vehicle nearby and hotwired the engine. Skooter strained himself to slide across the hood and jump into the driver’s seat. The others piled in the back seat. Skooter hit the gas and flew straight down toward the plummeting car. Thanks to his superior piloting skills (HA!), Skooter managed to keep up a steady pace with the other vehicle, allowing Juice to attempt a jump from one vehicle to the next.

The keyword there was attempt. He missed, almost lost his grip, and when he left his car door open, Slick came flying out as well. In fact, it was only FN-1K’s quick thinking that saved Slick’s life when the droid reached out and grabbed him by the arm. Leila helped him pull Slick’s drunk ass back into the safety of the car. Juice, on the other hand, somehow managed to climb into the other vehicle, shove the unconscious bounty hunter out of the driver’s seat, and steady the airspeeder before it slammed into the underworld of Nar Shaddaa. Mission Accomplished!

Now all they had to do was return the Senator’s daughter for a handsome reward that would easily pay off Juice’s bounty and have enough left over for—wait, what? They… They’re gonna hold her for ransom? They’re going to actively kidnap a senator’s daughter unless he agrees to pass legislation? Ok, well, that’s both illegal and idiotic, but hey, when in Rome…

Well naturally Slick didn’t have the stomach for this sort of thing, so he made a passionate plea to Juice about how kidnapping is wrong, and how a leading politician is the last person you want to upset, and how the life of crime is…. Ah, who am I kidding? The force did it.

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But it wasn’t enough. Even with Juice’s sudden, unexpected, totally irrational change of heart, it was still 4 vs 2. So they took the terrified, half-naked teenage girl to the Krayt Fang where Skooter kept a creepy eye on her. FN-1K, Adria and Leila went to pay the Black Sun a visit to try and straighten things out.

At first, the Vigo was uncooperative. He wanted proof that the target had been captured. And even then, how did he know he could trust these strangers? Don’t worry, FN-1K had a plan. He told the Vigo to call the Senator. I know… I don’t see where he’s going with this either, but let’s hear him out.

“Just call him!” N1K shouted.

“CALL HIM NOW!!!!” he yelled.

“DO IT! JUST DO IT!!” and yet, no matter how loud and belligerent FN-1K was, the powerful Black Sun Vigo of Nar Shaddaa didn’t do what the medical droid demanded. Just when we thought there was no hope, the princess stepped up and offered some kind of deal or something and everything worked itself out. Glitterstim will finally be legal in the Corellian Sector!

Oh, and the bounty on Juice Dookdroppa’s head has permanently been removed! He can FINALLY live out the rest of his long, rewarding life in peace. THE END.

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SpringfieldFatts Chicoriverez

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