Dickin' Around In Space

Hutt 1, Hutt 2, Hike!!

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Juice Dookdroppa
Prata’ri Rackus
Skooter Heetshooter
Leila (Not pictured)

We begin this convoluted adventure with an equally complex diagram. Remember this thing?


Yeah, that. So Jeffa the Hutt wants to prevent his brother’s assassination, but he also wants to make sure the party goes off without a hitch, so he asked the gang not to mention the whole assassination plot thing to Teemo. Let me repeat that…

He also wants to make sure the party goes off without a hitch, so he asked the gang not to mention the whole assassination plot thing to Teemo. Sorry, that comes into play later.

Jeffa didn’t know exactly what the plan was, but he knew that it involved a droid. The only problem is that he wasn’t sure which droid. But I’m sure these novice gumshoes could figure it out!

Oh, and one more thing… Try to dress nice.

Now that they were ready to party in style (except for Juice.), the gang made their way to Tatooine. Along the way, Skooter tried to piece together his droid, but couldn’t finish in time. That’s funny. Usually he finishes too early…

Eventully they arrived at Teemo’s palace, where they were about to board the luxury skiff, ‘Desert Treasure.’ Uh oh. Looks like those Gammorean Guards at the boarding ramp are confiscating weapons. Thinking on her feet, Princess Leila loosened the buttons on her blouse and told the guards that Juice was simply her bodyguard. And that made perfect sense, because I mean, it’s not a high class party without a fully armored killing machine walking around, making small talk, and helping himself to the hors d’oeuvres.

Once inside, all they had to do was find one little droid…



Literally half of Teemo’s staff was replaced with droids.The only way they’d be able to narrow this down is by fanning out. Naturally, Skooter grabbed a drink and made his way over to the Sabacc table. Plus, when he laid eyes on Zae’la Kash, the sexy card player, he figured he would do a little gambling of his own.

It’s too bad Zae’la only has eyes for beefy men. She was not amused. But Skooter couldn’t wait to jump on the chance to throw his money away. And with the possibility to be publicly humiliated in the process??? SOLD!

Meanwhile… At the bar….

“Corellia!!!!!!!!” Wex Vio knocked back another shot. Leila was not prepared for the minor sexual assault that awaited her. Luckily, Wex’s sister, Orpa, came over to apologize for her douchebag brother’s behavior. Leila followed Wex as he staggered over to the card tables and watched Skooter win the next couple of hands.

Leila noticed that Zae’la was fidgeting with something under the table. A hidden card? An electronic device?? A bomb???

Skooter also noticed Zae’la fidgeting with something under the table. Booze? Pizza?? A vibrator???

They couldn’t figure it out in time. With a drunken confidence, Wex put all of his money on the next hand. And somehow, by the grace of Corellia, the drunken bastard did it! Visibly upset, Zaela Kash got up and stormed away. In the process, she tripped and dropped the device… It turns out she could use the device to alter the dealer droid’s programming and tip the odds in her favor.

Hey, I know! She could probably help the gang locate the Imperial frequency! It’s too bad no one thought of that….

Adria wasn’t interested in booze or gambling, so she got straight to the hunt. She went to chat up the little RT-45 droid she talked to before. Oh wait, that’s right.


FN-1K didn’t mind all the droids, though. In fact, he struck up a conversation with a group of astromech droids from the IDC. Turns out he’s kind of a legend ever since he won the swoop race under their banner.

Slick decided to do the only smart thing: Go straight to the source. He walked up to Teemo and proceeded to tell him that someone was trying to kill him on his birthday. Hmmm, why does that sound familiar?


Eh, whatever. Conveniently, Teemo’s private security contractor was standing right next to him. Juice traded old war stories with him for a while, because it turns out, this guy is also an ex-Imperial. He also lets the guys know they should check out the maintenance deck. A lot of activity down there. Most of it the organic variety.

Rackus decides to follow Juice and and Slick down to the maintenance deck, because let’s be honest, neither one of them is gonna be able to do the necessary mechanics checks on a droid that may or may not be rigged to explode.

In fact, who did they find roaming around downstairs other than RT-45, Adria’s missing droid buddy. As it turns out, the little bastard was the source of the Imperial transmissions all along! Spotting a restraining bolt, they knew they had to act quickly if they were to save the droid from a perilous death.

Rackus stepped up. “I got this.”

After a few seconds of fidgeting with the restraining bolt, he turned around, shrugged his shoulders and said, “I got nothing.”

Oh, and a timer started. Two minutes.


Juice, as it turns out, also had nothing.

One minute left! They only way they could possibly get this restraining bolt off now is if they somehow had a knife. Like a vibroknife. And someone with the skill to use it. And with red eyes and blue skin…. Well, no, that… that wouldn’t help them, but it’s Skooter. I was describing Skooter. If they had just called Skooter down it would have solved the whole problem. But no. Slick is too proud for that.

So instead they chucked the droid over the edge with seconds to spare. BOOM. Droid gone… along with any information that would have explained the back-story for the entire scenario. But who cares about story?

Barely escaping death, the group all met back up to report their success to Jeffa. Unfortunately, he had some bad news. He got word from his orbital space station over Nar Shaddaa that they were under attack. He promised the gang an even bigger reward if they could race over to Nar Shaddaa and help defend it.

So they hopped in the Krayt Fang and made the jump to Hutt Space. Once again, Skooter took the opportunity to tweak his droid. Ugh, no that’s not a euphemism. What I meant to say is that he wanted to turn his droid on…. I mean he wanted to screw its head in. I mean, ugh nevermind. It ended the same way it always does. When his tool wouldn’t fit he resorted to jerking it alone in his room while sobbing quietly.

When they arrived at Nar Shaddaa, however, the only thing left of Jeffa’s palace was floating rubble. They did, however, arrive just in time to catch the glimpse of an Imperial Star Destroyer making the jump to hyperspace. According to their calculations, 57.333… repeating, of course, the ship was heading in the direction of Tatooine.

Well fuck, now they have to go alllll the way back. Luckily, the Krayt Fang was a much faster ship than a star destroyer. They might even have a few minutes to prepare! But how could they beat off (haw) a star destroyer? They’d need a fleet to pull that off!

Back at Teemo’s palace, Thwheek stepped up. “Pfbpftbpftbp pftbptbfftp! Pbhtbhtpbt.” He pledged his ship, the DuneLizard to the cause. “Pfft.”

“Wooooo! Corellia!” And fresh off his gambling wins, Wex Vio was feeling confident (and drunk) enough to take on a Star Destroyer all by himself in the Lucky Guess.

And on his arm, Zae’la Kash was so attracted to the bad boys that she wanted to follow Wex on his wildly reckless journey. She added her ship, the Perfect Ten to the mix.

Next, Grai Denson, the provate security contractor spoke up. He said he’d love to fight back at the Imperials, but his ship was just a carrier with a handful of fighters. But he didn’t have any of his pilot droids with him, so unless they knew where they could find a handful of pilot droids………..


Oh snap! FN-1K actually contributed something to the group other than medical checks! And now the fleet was ready. They developed a quick battle plan and flew off through the atmosphere.

Juice and FN-1K took point in the Wookieebane, followed by the Krayt Fang and the Blade’s Edge in the assault on the Star Destroyer. The rest of the fleet was on fighter duty.

The first two waves of TIE fighters didn’t prove to be much of a problem, but soon another two squadrons made their way into the battle. Many droids died… to bring us this information…. Even Thwheek, who only wanted to get through another day on the job so he could go home to his wife and nine children, was overcome by the TIE attack. Let us all observe a moment of silence for our dear friend. He is lost, but not forgotten.

The assault on the Star Destroyer was not going well either. Despite a barrage of proton torpedos, the Star Destroyer barely had a dent. Something needed to be done. Something drastic. Something bold. Something so inconceivably stupid, it could put lives in danger. Particularly two lives. Well, one life and one robotic subhuman AI.

Juice armed all of the torpedoes left on the Wookieebane. FN-1K piloted the ship straight at the bridge of the Star Destroyer. And then, at the last possible second…..

They jumped into an escape pod and barely made it out alive. The command deck of the Star Destroyer erupted in a giant fireball. The ship careened planetside. Huzzah! There was much rejoicing. I can’t believe they actually pulled that off! Ya know, one of these days these kind of daredevil maneuvers are gonna catch up to them and they’re gonna pay the ultimate price. Oh well. A toast to Juice and FN-1K!

Let’s all take a moment of silence out of respect for our fallen heroes.

How will we ever replace that droid? Oh wait, didn’t Mo wanna build a droid? Yeah, that was easy. Now, we all know there were two very different ideas for what this droid was going to do when he first turned it on. There was Skooter’s perspective and everyone else’s. Perhaps we should have compromised with something like this:


Instead, he turned it on and it blew up. Hilarious, right? WRONG. HE threw a little bitch fit. Even though he was given THREE separate chances in one game to finish his droid after he failed the first two. And even though someone went through the entire process of developing a system so he could build the damn droid in the first place…. And even though he rolled a despair when he found one of the parts for the droid and I guess assumed that we all forgot about it. And even though he’s not a baby.

Sorry…. I got off on a little tangent there. Hmmm, where was I? Oh yeah. So another unlikely victory for our heroes! They took down a STAR DESTROYER. I mean, holy crap, that’s gotta make them pretty notorious. Like, that will really get their name out there. Everyone will know they did this, especially the Empire! Uhhhhhh…. Oh……. OH….. crap….


SpringfieldFatts Chicoriverez

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