Dickin' Around In Space

Beyond the Rim - Act 2

Welcome to the Jungle (It's Not Fun & Games)

Adria Montoya
Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Prata’ri Rackus
Skooter Heetshooter
Jeffren “Chico” Froe
Dajo Unchained
Leila Something

After causing a giant scene like they were directly told not to, our band of murderers, liars and thieves are hauling ass off the Wheel after getting the details on the Sa Nalaor. Unfortunately they’ve also attracted the attention of the Yiyar Clan, who failed miserably to kidnap IT-3PO. Turns out starting a gunfight in the middle of a shopping district in a heavily monitored space station isn’t the best way to get into the good graces of security forces. So they beelined for the Fang and happened to be making a break for it when Pratari Rackus was just showing up in his Z-95. Having scrambled an interceptor squad, there wasn’t really time to explain things to him, they just needed to get the fuck out! Luckily, the group had purchased the direct hyperspace coordinates lifted from the pod, so it was a straight jump to the Chol system. Fuck you space cops, we have no concept of consequences for our actions!

Well, space karma must have been listening, because when they finished the jump they wound up dead in the middle of an asteroid field and their sensors are scrambled from the radiation of the nearby bleeding star. Shiiiiit! Some careful flying from Jeffren avoids most of the damage, allowing Adria and Skooter some time to get the system working. But Pratari is on a crash course and flying blind. Dajo knows what to do! He mans the turret and decides to blast a path for him, but almost shoot the shit out of the Z-95 instead. Seeing rounds fly by his ship, Rackus realizes shit has gotten real and splices some wires together or something just in time to get scanners up and dodge the asteroids. After almost dying, Rackus navigates a clear path through the ion interference to Cholganna’s surface.

It’s a lush planet, and finding even as large a ship as the Sa Nalaor is going to be hard if the jungle had thirty years to grow over it. Good thing Skooter, Adria and Pratari are so perceptive, because they identify not one but four possible locations where the ship may have crashed. The canopy of the jungle makes it impossible to identify from the air, looks like the lazy fucks will have to actually get out of the ship and see. When coming in for a landing at the closest site, Jeffren detects a realspace translation in the system. He’s unable to make out much more, but it’s apparent they aren’t alone out here. Better get a move on.

After a short hump through the vegetation, the crew comes upon what looks like a turbolaser battery that had shorn off the ship. It’s mostly a rusted shitheap, but Skooter sees what looks like a mashed up pile of battle droids. Never passing an opportunity to find that last droid part he needs, he starts rummaging around. Though he doesn’t find it, he does come across a large depression in the dirt. It’s ringed with bones and fur, and as he slowly stands up and murmurs “That’s fuckin’ weird” there’s the sounds of something large moving through the bushes. Suddenly two adult Nexu burst out, it seems our Chiss friends has stumbled upon their nest because a smaller kitten is with them. Dajo has the quick wits to realize this, and attempts to distract the beasts with a ration bar. Unfortunately he judges the distance wrong, and it lands right next to the kitten, pissing off the parents. They pounce, biting at Skooter and Dajo. Bradrus, seeing this shit go down feels an ethereal power swell within him. If he could only separate the juvenile from the pack they would chase after it. He summons all of his mental faculties and… fails miserably to move a small kitten. Talk about a pussy! Seeing the two morons unable to put their plans together the rest of the group does what they do best: shoot the hell out of everything. Soon there’s two dead Nexu cats and a couple of scratched up crew members. Dajo reaches down to take the kitten. Everyone else wants to know what the shit he thinks he’s doing, are we going to drag this fucking thing with us through the deadly jungle? But Dajo isn’t hearing any of it, and actually pulls a gun on Skooter when he gets close to the kitten. This causes everyone else to draw, and for what isn’t the first and I’m sure won’t be the last time the crew is pointing weapons at each other.

Dajo: Don’t point that thing at my CAAAAAAT!
Bradrus: Dajo you shoot that man you die next. I repeat, you shoot that man, you die next.
Adria: You’re all actin’ like a bunch of fuckin’ amateurs!
Pratari: Cause I’m stuck in the middle with you…
Jeffren: Skooter, I’m fuckin’ dying here!

Oh wait, that hasn’t happened yet. And unfortunately doesn’t, because hilariously Dajo slips a ration chunk to the kitten to soothe it during the standoff and the kitten chokes to death hideously in front of everyone. This is why the space zoo tells everyone not to feed the space animals. Welp, that solved itself! Everyone holsters their weapons except Skooter, who proceeds to skin the Nexu, even the kitten, all while locking eyes with Dajo. NOICE!

I think that went well. The gang trudges back to the Fang, and move on to the next crash site. When they get there, it ends up being a large escape pod half sunk in a small pond. Too small for everyone, Pratari, Skooter and Jeffren decide to climb down and see what’s inside while everyone else watches out. Inside the pod, Skooter sees a dim blinking light. He reasons this must be the black box of the pod, but it’s covered in a weird resin. After busting out his handy knoife, he pries it loose by slicing a chunk of the resin off. After retrieving it a deep, angry buzz can be heard. OH SHIT SPACE BEES COME POURING OUT OF A THOUSAND TINY HOLES! Skooter starts wildly swinging his knoife, killing a few bees but gets stung. Jeffren absolutely loses his shit, he gets stung (probably in the dick) and shoots his blaster wildly into the swarm. It ricochets around in the pod and hits Skooter in the chest. Pratari and Skooter manage to swat away the rest of the swarm, and stumble out of the pod. Jeffren, drunk on bee poison or vodka, thinks it a good idea to lick some of the glistening sap that running down the side of the pod’s wall. Amazingly, he feels great afterward. Then stands up and passes out. I mean so does Mo, but they are soon revived. Dajo sees the goo and bottles some “for later.”


While he’s scraping bee jizz into a bottle, Adria and Pratari crack the black box open and activate the last moments of the holo recorder. It’s a recording between the passengers of the escape pod which are two Japanese Stereotype Nemoidians arguing over the comm to a middle aged human male. The Nemoidians are talking shit, saying they were stupid to ever follow this dude out here. Now the ship is crashing and they say “fuck it, we’re ditching this place and heading out on our own.” The human, who they address as Captain Harsol, says “Eat shit, if you fucks don’t get back here I’ll shoot your asses down.” To this, the Nemoidians basically say “You won’t.” and then the transmission ends.

After that interesting revelation, the next scan location is a large debris field where it looks like the primary drive engines broke off and scattered into a nearby treeline. As the Fang swoops down, a flock of space birds is spooked and takes to the sky… only to be sucked into the Krayt Fang’s engines. Jeffren does his best to soft land the ship in a clearing. It isn’t going anywhere without a fix, so Pratari and Dajo decide to scrape the gore out of the engines while the rest of the crew checks out the debris. As the other jerks disappear into the foliage, the other two do a quick rock, paper, scissors. Dajo loses, and grabs a space stick and steps out the hatch to clean it out. After a couple of tries, their able to clear the turbines and turn the engines over. On his way back up the ramp Dajo sees bloody tracks leading into the ship’s interior. That idn’t good! So Dajo comms over to Pratari that something is most likely on the ship with them. Luckily Rackus has an idea, and sneaks his way up to the cockpit. He sets off the internal alarms, thinking it’ll scare whatever is in the ship off. His gamble pays off, and that’s exactly what happens as Dajo and Pratari huddle in the cockpit as they hear something big and most likely rapey skitter off the ship.

Speaking of horrible physical violations, while the two mechanics were dealing with the intruder, the rest of the gang was trundling towards the debris field. When they get there, Adria sees something glinting in the dirt. When they make way towards it she also sees something stirring in the trees. A paranoid psycho, she immediately decides to shoot it. It actually works out this time because she hits and kills an ARBOREAL OCTOPUS. Picture an octopus, then cover it in thick tarantula hair. Now put it in trees in the jungle. One of these waking nightmares made flesh falls from the canopy and shrivels itself around her. Everyone is fucking freaked out. Skooter cuts her loose, but a few more of the sinister cephalopods descend in ambush. One wraps around Jeffren, causing him to begin spastically pissing and shitting all over himself. Bradrus says “I’ll save you!” and shoots his blaster at the turantu-pus. Unfortunately he’s so distraught at the idea of losing his hetero butt-buddy he misses and actually shoots Jeffren right in the damn chest. Sobbing deeply because he thought Bradrus loved him and still horrendously frightened by the vaginal metaphor wrapped around his wrists, Jeffren start shooting wildly clipping Skooter in the process. Which is pretty ironic considering Skooter is the guy who eventually cuts him loose. After this traumatizing experience, Adria finds what looks like a solid bar of some kind of ore in the dirt. Interesting…

Finally they mount up and move on to the final location, which coincidentally is the main hull of the Sa Nalaor. It’s almost as if the narrative has been building up to this! The hull is a rusted, twisted mess and looks like you could contract tetanus from just standing near it. Dajo whips out a rope and scales into what looks like a wrecked bulkhead. Inside he finds a ladder (convenient), and lowers it, allowing everyone else to climb up. Inside they see this section of the ship has been exposed to the elements. Everything is corrode and not worth salvaging. They press on to the security office, where they find a tarp and what looks like recently used technician equipment. Moving on to the bridge, the cross a dangerous crevasse where part of the catwalk has collapsed using a rope bridge slung by Dajo. Wow, this guy is pretty useful! Too bad about his kitten fetish. On the bridge, there’s little left to scavenge as it looks like it’s been picked over by someone twice over. Anything not bolted down is gone. As they turn to leave they see a half dozen pinpoints of light in the darkness. Burst out ready kill are some motherfucking goddamn Cyber Nexu! I’m going to gloss over some terrible decisions made here, but through their own actions the crew gets seriously fucked up by these laser cats and barely escape with their lives. The limp their way out of the wreckage of the ship only to be greeted by a bunch of Rodians. They all draw on each other and are pretty clearly from the Yiyar Clan. Imagine this being said in Rodian “Lol luk at these fukkin nubs leading us right 2 the crash” and “4 real these guyz are teh suck, lets pwn them”

But before anyone gets “pwned” a couple of dude riding, and I shit you not, giant water lizards strolls out from the lake. The lead is a human male who identifies himself as Captain Harsol, and he demands to know who the hell these people are!


Oh, what a twist!


SpringfieldFatts SpringfieldFatts

I'm sorry, but we no longer support this web browser. Please upgrade your browser or install Chrome or Firefox to enjoy the full functionality of this site.