Dickin' Around In Space

A Quick Stopover

Bradrus “Slick” Sell
Skooter Heetshooter
And that was it. There are no other character profiles to link.

First… a little backstory….

When word hit the streets that Reom had acquired new cybernetic schematics for ISOtech, a secret war erupted between the Empire and the Rebellion to get their hands on those plans. Both sides were ready to use whatever methods were required to gain the upper hand.

A small Rebellion strike team had successfully broken into Reom’s offices on The Wheel, stole the schematics from his computer systems, and deleted his records. The team consisted of Bim Gizzo, a Bothan Slicer Tech; Brom, a Human Bruiser; and Thwunk, a Kubaz Sniper/Assassin.

On their way out, however, the rebels ran into an Imperial team and were forced to split up. In an attempt to blend in, Bim and Brom ducked into a local cantina, the Sleeping Rancor. Thwunk, however, made his way to their ship, only to find it being guarded by a full squad of Stormtroopers. Outmanned and outgunned, Thwunk will have to find his teammates if he has any hope of delivering the goods back to the Alliance and getting paid.

Bim and Brom sat down at the bar. When they tried to comm Thwunk, they found the channel was being jammed. Uh oh. In fact, the front door of the cantina opened up, and two Imperial Agents walked in with a Hound-W2 SPD security droid. They were trapped, and it was only a matter of time before that Hound droid sniffed out the source of their comm systems. And to make matters worse, some pussy-ass Chiss just walked up and ordered the girliest drink Brom had ever heard of.

Fresh off of their big hunt for Treasure Island, the Krayt Fang makes a stop on the Wheel for some serious rest and relaxation. Rackus and Jeffren hit up the supply store, while the rest of the gang tried to pawn off the Nexu pelts.

They sauntered on over to Farlander’s Outfitters… “Hey there, travelers!” Yeah, thanks Master Com…. To see what kind of price they could negotiate with Nolls. Unfortunately, their overconfident dick-swinging backfired and they ended up getting an even lower price than what he originally offered. Possible dick-swinging pictured below.


All this failure sure made Skooter thirsty. Plus he had a new handful of credits to blow! So he and Leila made a stop in the local cantina, the Sleeping Rancor, while Slick went shopping for a matching purse for his little holdout blaster.

Skooter sat down and ordered the most expensive drink in the bar: a bottle of Pink Crystalline Champaign from Corellia. That brings us back to the bit up at the top of the page. See, Brom was a man. A man’s man. A man’s man’s man. And he was not happy that some sorry excuse for a Chiss didn’t meet his own standards of what a man’s drink should be. Brom…. Had issues. That’s when Brom pulls a knife… and then Skooter pulls a knife… so anyway he lost his pilot’s license and he’s never allowed on Corellia again.

[Movie Clip Not Found]

See, you were expecting me to go with the Crocodile Dundee joke right there, weren’t you? But no! I went with the over-a-decade-old-AWG-movie joke. Zing! Anyway, back to the story.

Before Skooter could get embarrassed by a guy who actually did know how to use a knife, Bim Gizzo stepped in and apologized to the group, offering to buy them all drinks. It’s too bad everyone was also too drunk to realize that Bim slipped something into Leila’s pocket.

Behind them, two Imperial agents entered the room with a Hound-W2 SPD droid, hot on the trail of a rebel comm signal. That’s right about the time it stopped right in front of Leila.

Whaa? How did a rebel commlink end up in Leila’s ba—oh wait. I see.

Now they were screwed, and I don’t see how they could talk their way out of this one… which is good, because Brom punched and agent in the face and tried to run out the door. All hell broke loose. There were knives stabbing, brass knuckles swinging, blasters blasting…. Skooter followed Brom out the door, because I mean, where did he think he was going?

Poor Leila. First her partner leaves her alone and outnumbered inside of a strange cantina, then a vicious robot dog latches onto her arm and starts biting her all over.


The only logical thing for her to do at this point is start shooting at the guy who bought everyone drinks, right? Right. Hey, and while you’re at it, just start shooting wildly at anything else, too.

Outside, Brom found the perfect diversion: The beast pen outside Farlander’s Outfitters. He aimed directly at a Ronto’s ass, causing it to scream in pain and go rampaging out of the pen, slamming right through the wall of the cantina.

Around this time, Slick got a call from his old pal, Mu Nanb. Unfortunately for him, the Imperials seemed to be jamming rebel frequencies, so he was only able to make out a few bits and pieces of the transmission:

  • I have an assignment for you. We understand that a ******* The Wheel acquired valuable schematics from a fabled crash site. ******* Retrieve those plans for the Alliance at all costs. ****** 100,000 credits. DO NOT LET THEM FALL INTO IMPERIAL HANDS. ***STATIC***”

Actually, I think he pretty much covered the basics…. So Slick walked over to the local cantina because he KNEW Skooter would be drinking…. OH MY GOD, IS THAT A RONTO? Yeah. So the events that followed are sketchy, but here’s what we know:

That rampaging Ronto stepped on that poor robot dog. :’(

The Ronto was spooked and stampeded away when Leila got off a lucky shot IN ITS FACE!

One of agents ran out and punched Skooter with his shock gloves IN THE FACE!

Skooter grabbed the agent and used him as a human shield during a Mexican standoff with Brom.

Some cloaked stranger showed up and shot Skooter’s agent-shield IN THE FACE!

Skooter threw that human corpse over ten feet, striking Brom IN THE FACE!

Bradrus just stood there concentrating, with one hand outstretched, and the other one IN HIS FACE!

Bim ran out and tried to drag his injured friend, Brom, to safety. But don’t worry, Skooter, Slick and Leila weren’t about to let these strangers they knew basically nothing about get away with…. SOMETHING. So they killed them. Both of them. Then Slick, still feeling the light side of the force flowing through his veins, looted their corpses and stole their backpack at the insistence of his friends. But what happened to that cloaked stranger?


They ran for cover in what was left of the cantina, but with their only escape guarded by a madman with a rifle, they were trapped. That’s Slick noticed his stolen bag was ringing. He pulled the commlink out and discovered that the cloaked stranger was on the line.

So it turns out this cloaked stranger was a Kubaz named Thwunk and luckily he’s after the same thing as the other guys: Kritala’s cybernetic schematics. Which, if you took the time to read the little intro at the top, you already knew that, so all the suspense and everything was lost on you. Well anyway, there was only one thing left to do now. Time for these assholes to get paid!

But when they got back to the ship, Reom was waiting to ask them a favor and unknowingly guilt trip them into doing the right thing. If the gang can find and return the cybernetic schematics, he’ll reward them with 10,000 credits. Thwunk’s first contribution to the group was this wise piece of advice:

“Hey, let’s make copies of this thing and sell one to this Rome asshole and sell the other copy to one of his potential customers behind his back!”

So that’s what they did. Well, kinda. They connected the dots between the Rebel Alliance and Reom and made sure the Rebels would have exclusive access to his cybernetics and Reom would have a steady customer for years to come.

All that’s left to do now is get Jeffren and meet up with Mu Nanb to get PAID! Where is Jeffren anyway?

A sea of stormtroopers chased the group onto the Krayt Fang and they took off just in time. Unfortunately Mu Nanb had to split as well, but he said they would meet up later to complete the transaction. For now, they just had to Reom back to Raxus Prime.

During the trip, Skooter decided to put the finishing touches on his droid, which he had modeled to be a dog, but let’s be honest, this thing was one piece of garbage welded onto another.


And when he turned it on, he wasn’t exactly pleased. Apparently the behavior core he had salvaged from a junk heap belonged to a feminine shopping droid that was annoying as fuck. Shut him up or shut him down! So Skooter shut him down.

Once they dropped Reom back off at ISOtech headquarters, they took off to rendezvous with Mu Nanb, but Skooter noticed something odd on the scanners…. They were being followed by an unidentified vessel!

That’s easy, they could just make the jump to hyperspace.
They failed to make the jump.
That’s ok, they can fend off one measly ship.
They failed to hit, and the enemy ion cannons disabled the Krayt Fang.
No problem, a simple maintenance check should do the trick.
They failed to fix the system.

See a pattern here? Yeah, so they were sitting ducks. But instead of turning them into space dust, the enemy ship attempted a true act of gentlemen everywhere:

Given one last chance to repair the ship before the enemy breached their back door…. Skooter failed again.

BUT WITH A TRIUMPH! Even though the ship was still disabled, Skooter was able to activate the hyperdrive, which unfortunately sent them barreling through hyperspace to a random destination. Which, by the way turned out to be right next to a black hole! No, I’m not still talking about space docking, I mean the remnants of a collapsing star.

Time was of the essence now, because the ship’s emergency systems alerted the crew that the event horizon was approaching in less than 5 minutes! After a brief firefight with the invaders (One of them it turns out was Agent Red, but the only person who really cared was Slick. And Red was the first and only pussy to go down during the fight. Some Agent he turned out to be. Oh, and Skooter kinda threw his knife and stabbed him in the leg. Wow, this turned out to be a long parenthesis), the crew decided their own lives were more important. They hopped in an escape pod, but oh no!!! Skooter left his droid! Feeling chivalrous, Thwunk ran out and shoved the droid in the direction of the escape pod as the doors were closing.


The droids landed in Skooter’s arms…. Well, most of the droid. Its back legs were severed by the closing airlock. At least all of his hard work was not wasted. Somehow, everyone made it safely to the escape pod. They were gonna be alright. Skooter was there, his droid was there…. Thwunk and Slick were there…. Jeffren was curled up in the corner, cold and shaking frantically. Yep. Everyone. Things were gonna be aaaallllllllright.


SpringfieldFatts Chicoriverez

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